I'm an idiot

So on the drug bottles that they give me, there are bright yellow warning labels. I just read them yesterday. On one of them it says "may cause headache." I've had a headache for like three days. When I get headaches, I get sick, like nauseous sick. I'm an idiot. Stopped taking that one, no headache today. Not nauseous now, we'll see how I feel when I get home. This isn't rocket science Mo, figure it out, its bright yellow!
Ovary is clear. There's some fibroid that has calcified. Dr. Lee says this is "no problem." Dr. Lee says chemo is "no problem." Dr. Lee's no problem and my no problem are very different things. Bottom line, its not cancer, I don't care what it is. So, after not making it through Monday, I took Tuesday off and sent Mr. Sime back in. Wednesday I tried again, and made it through the day (with a nap in the middle), but was exhausted by the time I got home. Brent went to pick up anti-nausea #3, I puked once, took it, and have felt good since. I did make it through the school day, which is good, but I felt crappy and wasn't able to see Max & Cannon much. That's not ok with me. I'm at school today (Thursday) and we'll see how it goes. If the next couple of days leave me exhausted by the time I get home, then we'll have to do something different. I may talk to the boss about working part time or something, if that's an option. Obviously my first priority is Max & Cannon. There's no way I'm not going to see them at all for three months.
I'm mainly frustrated that I can't do what I want to do. I want to be able to teach, be a mom, coach. I feel like some shell of myself, I can only do parts of each. If everything goes according to schedule, then chemo will be over December 19th. That's three months from tomorrow. I'll have radiation after that, but that shouldn't make me vomit. I'm focusing on December 19th and hopefully feeling normal again. :)

Wheee!

I tried to go back to school yesterday, but I didn't make it. I should have taken a nap during my prep time, but I didn't, and I ended up going home after puking in the bathroom. Awesome. I spent last night feeling crappy, and was sick until about 8 or so, then finally started feeling better. My parents went home and came back and dad's at school today. I think I just did too much. I took the anti-nausea, but I had a little bit of a headache, and I felt a little loopy, so I guess it was too much. I feel good today, still a little unsure of how my body's going to handle anything, but good. I had coworkers bail me out yesterday and cover my classes last minute, which was relieving. I also had a student aid that was my personal escort all afternoon. He sat in the office while I was laying down in the health room. He said he wanted to make sure I was ok. Aw, nice kid.
This whole poisoning your system thing just sucks. I still realize things could be much much worse, but I'm not excited about three months of this. Three months can fly by or it can drag. When I think of how much Cannon will learn and grow in the next three months, it seems like it'll by gone before I know it. But, when I think of more needles and poisonings, yeee, doesn't sound like fun. Maybe my body will get used to it. I feel like I have permanent medicine head. When you take cold medicine and you feel a little loopy? That's how I feel most of the time. I think I can function if I take it slower and don't go gung ho, but I'll just feel weird for a while. I'll take weird over throwing up, but its not thrilling.
In the meantime, hair's still here. I over-analyze the amount that falls out. I stare at the hairbrush wondering if that's a normal amount? I know it'll all sort of come out at once in big clumps, but I'm still compelled to wonder if mine will be different and it'll just thin. Its weird to get up in the morning and check out your pillow to see how much hair is there. Definitely a different "normal."
I go to the sonogram today to check out the ovary. I'm not worried about it, I just want it over with. I am supposed to go back to the plastic surgeon tomorrow for more pumping up, but I think I'll delay that a week. I want a few days without doctors.

All Better

When Max hurts himself, and we kiss it, suddenly its "all better." The puking needed more than a kiss, but we've got it figured out for now. Go drugs go!! I puked a few times yesterday, but after I put the posting on here, I stopped. I have 2 different drugs I take at alternating times, and it works! Yay! I am starting to get a little tired here and there, but not bad. I realize it will get harder, but at this point I know it is totally do-able. I have been given a variety of hats that are all very cute. I'm actually looking forward to my hair falling out so I have an excuse to wear them to school. I know the hair falling out thing may be hard when it actually happens, but right now I don't think it'll bother me. As long as I'm not nauseous, I can go about my normal day.
I went to get an immune booster shot today. Apparently 7-10 days after chemo your immune system is pretty defenseless. This is why the booster shot, to make sure I don't get really sick, and am able to stay on my 2 week schedule.
And if you didn't read the comment from Debbie yesterday, read it. Go Tillamook High School! I am totally impressed and flattered. I'm sure you did it more in support of the THS Mrs. Klumph than the SHHS Mrs. Klumph, but its amazing that that many of you did something outside of yourselves to make others feel supported and loved. My softball team has done the same thing. I hope you continue to do good things for others your entire life. I'm proud of you and Thanks!!!

7 to go...

I am feeling crappy, so this will probably be short, but in spite of puking, I'm incredibly excited to have one over with. I started feeling sick last night I think just with everything going on this week, and was still feeling a little sick this morning. So Mo the amazing puker puked the first time before I even had chemo in me (about 9). The anti-nausea that they gave me through the purple port helped for a while. While the chemo went in it was totally fine. The Adriamycin was red, and made me pee red, glad they warned me of that one, and the nurse put it in which took about 15 minutes. The next one was dripped in and took about half an hour. The port is great, no pain, didn't feel it going in, nothing. I then went to acupuncture. This felt nice, but I started puking right after. I tried an anti-nausea at one, got sick again when I got home. Brent called the doctor, and is at Safeway getting anti-nausea #2. I think I'd still rather take this than cancer. Maybe we'll figure out the nausea thing, maybe we won't, but I can puke for a couple days if it means no cancer!! Love you

Unremarkable

Here's a picture of the "power port" that's in my chest. Its just below my collarbone on the right side. I had absolutely no nausea, and Amber, I loved this anesthesiologist lady. It was a different one than last time, very personable, very comforting, plus I didn't puke, so I love her! It was again hard to get the IV in, so yay for ports. My Aunt Linda is obsessed with the color purple, so I'm sure she loves that this sucker is purple. Its under my skin, just a bump that sticks up a little bit. Its not painful, I did take some drugs earlier because my right arm is a little sore, but not bad at all.
The results of the bone scan came back, and all is normal. Rumor has it that if breast cancer was to spread, it would go to bones first, so if its not there, we're probably good. I also got the CT scan report in the mail which said that the ovary thing is "cystic." Sounds good, but we have to go look and see just in case. All the other organs reported on were "unremarkable." This is a good thing, but its funny to see something from a doctor that says your chest is unremarkable. Growing up, I had plenty of teenage boys to tell me that, I didn't need a CT scan for that one!
The plastic surgeon was good. I do not have to wear the ace bandage anymore!!!! The expanding wasn't painful. One of the needles to numb me kind of hurt when it hit the muscle, but not bad. The saline that goes in says "for irrigation purposes only" on the bottle. So, I'm unremarkable and full of irrigation. Rock on. I think I'll only go back like one more time, then I think I'll be good, but I guess we'll see!
I'm feeling ok about chemo tomorrow. I really just want to get on with it so I know how it will affect me. I don't like the unknown.
I have a variety of things to take with me tomorrow to make me feel better. I'm taking the prayer shawl that I got from Peggy (Rick & Debbie's church) that I absolutely love. Something about it immediately calms me and makes me feel better. I'm taking the Dutch Bros. coffee bucks from Diane because I don't know when coffee will taste good again, and I love coffee. I'm wearing a new shirt from the Sackvilles (thank you!!!!), because who doesn't love new clothes, and shoes that Sam gave me that she's deemed "cancer perks," and my lemon slushy bracelet. I have comfort foods, as well as comfort clothes. I'll have a book of sudoku puzzles from my cousins for entertainment. And, of course, the most comforting thing that I'll have with me, is Brent. Something about that kid sitting next to me makes it all ok. I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow evening, but if I don't feel up to writing, I'll have mom put something on here to let you know how I'm doing. Love you!!

Kick me

Acupuncture was awesome. I left feeling totally relaxed. I felt like I was talking really slow and acting like a stoner, but it felt great! I don't know if it was the needles, or the fact that I was laying in a quiet room for like 20 minutes where my entire job was to relax. aaaahhhh. It was cool. I do that again after chemo, right after chemo, and its supposed to help with the nausea. We will see!
Monday was CT scan and bone scan. Between being injected with radioactive material while drinking the "berry flavored" drink, I was all aglow. They give you an option of berry flavored or citrus flavored. This is total crap, there is not flavor, just ew. It tasted like really creamy milk with some seven up in there, and some old lemonade. You have to make it last an hour, so you get to sip it and really get the flavor stuck in your mouth. Mmmmm. While they were trying to inject me with radioactive stuff for the bone scan, they had a hard time getting a vein to work. They tried once, missed, had a heat pack, beat on my arm for a while, had me squeezing a ball, etc then finally got one to "rise." Lucky me. Basically this was very reassuring that I need to do the port thing. I'm not excited about the port thing, but I don't want to have to hunt for veins every time I go in there, so ok, port me. Everyone says the port is the "way to go." I love that terminology, like anything about chemotherapy is the "way to go."
Anyway, the CT scan showed something questionable on my right ovary. "Cystic tissue." I get to do more tests. The doctor says she "doesn't think its cancer at all, but we have to be sure." It's probably a cyst, but there's too much stuff (organs, bones, etc.) in that area to see clearly, so ultrasound next Tuesday to check it out. At this point I don't know if I'm not concerned about this because I have some sort of intuition that tells me not to worry, or if I'm not concerned because its just one more thing in my new "norm." Kind of like if you keep kicking someone with the same force, eventually they'll probably get used to it, you have to kick a lot harder before its going to create a reaction. Kick me again, its cool, I can take it. Brent & I talked about it, Me: "ok, worse case scenario, its cancer, another surgery, and more chemo." Brent: "ok, fine, whatever." We're becoming numb. We just know there's nothing we can really do about it, so "whatever."
The oncologist says my hair will fall out after the first treatment. Again, I want to know exactly when. I don't know why, just makes me curious. Am I going to be taking a shower Saturday and all of a sudden its all gone? I've heard women say they shake their head from side to side and there's hair floating in the air all around them. When it does start falling, I'm thinking I'll shave it. Why wait for the last bit to go? We're going to call it a "shaving party" for Max's benefit. Anything with the word party attached he thinks is great, give him a sucker, maybe he'll want to help shave, he'll be good. Cannon's happy as long as he's eaten, so he should be good too.
I won't be at school tomorrow and Friday, so its weird to say to my students "see you Monday maybe." Having no idea what's about to happen has also become my new norm, but I still don't like it. I want to have some idea. Oh well. Ok, I have to plan for Mr. Sime to be here tomorrow & Friday, so off to work I go!!

Doctors, doctors, doctors

This teaching stuff is really getting in the way of my freelance writing career... I am loving being back at work. The students have been awesome. I've been brutally honest with them, which is of course all I know how to do, and they've handled it marvelously. Even the freshman, at least day one and day two, they were good. They could totally be a ticking time bomb, but I'll take what I can get. I have one student who is laughing about her teacher telling the class that she can't shave one armpit because of lack of feeling. These are the things that students tell their parents that they're learning at school. They never tell them that I actually teach them math concepts, just that I have a hairy armpit. Gotta love teenagers.
Thank you for all your insights into my 76%. I'm good now, doesn't bother me, doesn't consume my thoughts anymore, much less desire to scream from the rooftops. Although I would like to hang out with the homeless guy that Lisa commented on. I think I have a lot to learn from him.
I seem to have joined a cancer club now, and some of you may have as well just in talking about it with others. I've had three other staff members come talk to me about lumps they've found, husbands with cancer, etc. Its pretty amazing how widespread it is. I'm hoping at some point I learn how to say things to people to make them feel better. I empathize (probably spelled wrong) with them, but I don't know what to say other than "that sucks." It does make me feel better to hear all the other stories. Its comforting to know you're not alone, and that there are tons of people that made it through as much as I have, and more.
Next week I have some sort of doctor thing everyday. Wheee!! Monday is a bone scan and a CT scan. I think these are both to look and make sure cancer hasn't spread as well as to give baseline info to compare to as I go through chemo. I will probably call the doctor to find out exactly why these are recommended, but I'm really tired of talking to the doctors on the phone at this point. Tuesday is acupuncture, excited about this, Wednesday is the plastic surgeon to start enlarging my chest (and hopefully to remove ace bandage!!??). Thursday, port goes in my chest at 9AM. I have to be knocked out for this again, I'm totally afraid of puking from anesthetic, but I guess we'll see. And finally Friday, the big CHEMO followed by acupuncture again. The good news is that I think I'll be so busy running around trying to figure out where I'm going that I won't have too much time to develop severe anxiety over chemo. Maybe...
Totally non cancer related, this morning as I'm trying to get Max & Cannon ready to go so I'm not late for a meeting, Cannon coats the carpet in poo. I'm thrilled, obviously. Stupidly I did not put a diaper on him after this, thinking it was done, so after I got it cleaned up, I got poo #2. I finally got him and carpet cleaned up, and realized I had some urin on the bottom of my skirt. Ok, I have freaking cancer, shouldn't there be some sort of universal karmic thing that prevents me from having to clean poo off my carpet and pee off of me!!!?? Apparently not. Those little dudes are always a good reality check. Oh, in the middle of this, Max stopped watching cartoons long enough to yell, "Mommy!!!! Cannon pooped!!!" Thanks Max.
I also found out yesterday that I will be doing radiation after chemo is done. I don't know yet if that means we're radiating chest & armpit, or just one of them. Apparently four weeks after chemo, we start this one. In an ideal world, chemo will always happen on schedule, my body will always be ready for it, and I'll be done December 19th. Four weeks after this I start radiation everyday for 35ish days. I have coworkers that live in Corvallis, so I think I'll hitch a ride over with them, and ride back home with Brent. I think all of this scheduling is just preparing me for my future when Max & Cannon are older, and involved in 9 activities at a time, and I have to figure out which one happens where and when and keep track of it all. If I can balance doctors, I can balance little league. That's all the info I have for now. Thanks again for the cards and gift cards, and one "Chuck D. Duck" figurine. Randy & Nell are either really funny, or something is seriously wrong with them. ha ha!!