DUN!

Scans are done, blood work is done, now we wait for Thursday afternoon to see how it all looks. I had a really nice sunshiny day. I'm worn out all of a sudden since I was up at 430, so now the worry sets in. It's amazing how much your mood is affected by sleep. Brent's off to get me a milkshake so I should be good to go in no time.

I'll let you know what the Dr says on Thursday!

Scan day!

I'm a little nervous, but pretty relaxed. I'm anxious to know how things are going, but have been able to not think about it constantly. I'm currently sitting in the waiting room grading papers. I'll head for blood work from here. I can hear some construction sounds going on around the corner. I'm really glad I saw the workers on the way in. If I had heard sounds of saws and drills and thought they were medical sounds I'd be a little freaked.

Little excited

I'm starting to get excited about my scan on Tuesday in some way. It could be the pedicure I have planned for later in the day, but whatever works. I'm anxious to see how things are going. I won't have the results until Thursday, so keep thinking tumor shrinking thoughts. 

I read an article somewhere written by an oncologist. He was talking about common themes he sees for his patients who are doing well. He talked about his patients with a strong support group and how much of a difference that can make. Duh! I have the biggest support group ever, so proportionally I should fare the best, right!? :)

The article also said patients that don't really know what's going on seem to do well also. This made me laugh. He described one patient who was in the chemo chair talking on the phone and said "I don't know what it is, lymphoma something?" (It was leukemia) I'm not that clueless, but I feel like he was saying those patients that are bogged down in stress and constantly thinking about it have a rougher go. Interesting article.

I'll keep you posted Thursday on results. Until then here's one of my support group. He's kiss ready :)

Just be...

I would like to find a way sometimes for my brain to hear the message of "just be." Maybe it's a female thing, but man am I an over analyzer! I tell myself to chill out, stop thinking about it all the time. Enjoy your surroundings, see the flowers, hear the kids laughing, just be. I swear my brain is not a good listener. 

I had a glass of wine tonight but before I did, my brain had to debate for a bit. "Your immune system needs to be healthy, the naturopath doc said cut out all wine..." Then we move to the other side... "But if it relaxes me isn't that good? What can one glass hurt?" I finally land on "good Lord! Shut up! Really!? A glass of wine has to create this much of a deal!? Sit your butt on the couch, know you have a good plan for kicking some cancer ass, drink your wine and JUST BE."

The wine was good.

Just stuff

I posted last in early January after the blood work. Jolee is the lady that runs the high school where I work, and after I gave her a high five she said she'd have to wait another month before another blog was out to read. I thought "I should write more often." Several times throughout the last month I've thought I should put something on here, but what I would post I never really narrowed down. On one hand I like venting out random thoughts and getting it all out. I seem to like this writing for all to see thing. Which is really odd, because I hated writing things in school especially if I knew someone else would read it. Humiliation galore…

On the other hand, it seems to be a cancer-y blog and sometimes I'm tired of talking about it, and I wonder if others are tired of reading about it. There are all sorts of things that are on my mind cancer and non-cancer related, but there are so many other bigger things happening in the world it seems somewhat selfish.

For the six weeks or so, life has been progressing as normal. Normal for my family looks like this…

In sweats and pjs on the couch, the mustaches are optional. (My favorite expression is Cannon… who does he think he is, Groucho Marx?) We laugh, we cry, we play, we fight, we work. We have ups and downs that are both cancer and non cancer related. Sometimes when Brent and I argue about something  I think it's a good sign of normal behavior. (If you are claiming you don't really fight then you're either lying or you're not normal… your choice).

I have been thinking about death a lot lately. It's not consuming my thoughts or anything, most of my thoughts are focused on living. It sounds morbid and all I know, but I feel like I'm growing as a person. Ha! That's sounds just as cheesy as that Lego movie, but it's totally true. I used to be massively freaked out by death. My family's, mine, the word itself, possible spirits after death, all of it.  There was a period of time I would wake up at night sobbing in fear of someone I loved dying. Other people grieving I was totally afraid of, and I have been convinced for the last 5 years that if I didn't think about it and didn't prepare for it, then the powers that be in the universe wouldn't let it happen. Let's call it a superstition.

I am slowly realizing (not completely) that thinking about it doesn't mean I'm inviting death. I fully believe I will be here for a very long time. My drugs are working, there are more out there, I'm golden as far as this living stuff goes. I don't think about death in terms of "when I die" but more in terms of "wow, dude, it's like out there and we're like parts of this huge thing called life man." Still scary - yes! Kind of an interesting journey - well… yes.

Wow, discussions of arguing and death. Maybe we should switch gears to happier things?

Other unrelated happier things… Max and Cannon have their own alarm clocks. Max's goes off, he gets up and gets in the shower. He's soooo Brent, Mr. Responsible. Max makes life so much easier, he's amazing. For those of you with small children you'll understand how great this is.  Cannon's alarm goes off and … just keeps beeping and beeping and beeping. The first day I went in thinking he didn't hear it.
"Cannon, your alarm's going off"
"I know"
"Are you going to turn it off?"
"Do I have to?"
Keep in mind that it's still beeping. Cannon is one of a kind.

Health news - I haven't had a headache that kept me in bed and sick all day since January 1st. That is HUGE!

I have a scan on March 4th, and an appointment with Dr. Lee on the 6th to check results of the scan. Blood work will probably happen too. We'll keep moving forward and believing all is well. I'm not worried about it at this point. I'm sure there will be moments of panic between then and now, but they're rare. Things are moving along in our new normal world. We'll keep laughing (and maybe some arguing).

Numbers are …. DOWN!!!!

Please accept this virtual high five from me, because drugs, eating well, prayers, positive thinking, other supplements… it's working!!!! If I could take an accurate picture to depict "giddy" I would post that sucker. I tried to express giddy with my face, but it looks more drunk than anything.

My tumor marker numbers for five years post treatments were in the mid to high 20s, which is considered a normal range. This leads me to believe that most people would have a similar number whether they were living in the cancer world or not. I don't really know if that's true, I just sort of decided that. In May they were suddenly at 45, which sent this whole deal into motion. I'm probably repeating myself, but that's fine. Right after surgery the number went down to 38, then in November we were back at 45. At that time, Dr. Lee said it was great, if the numbers stay the same we're in good shape. This time, the number was 37. WHEEEEE!!!!

Fluctuation is normal because these tumor marker tests can be influenced by other stuff going on in your body, (infection, inflammation, stress probably). They may fluctuate back up, but I feel pretty confident that things are moving in the correct direction. Last time I did the blood work I was a crying anxiety ridden train wreck. I feel like that could have influenced the number also, but who knows for sure.

I really like the quote above. It's a good reminder to relax and enjoy the moment and know things are working themselves out. That whole patience is a virtue thing… um, I've never been very good with that virtue, (or any of them?), but I'm learning!! :)

So far I'm loving 2014.

Blood draw

I just had my blood drawn yesterday. I shouldn't have to meet with my doctor unless the numbers have gone up. I'm not really worried about it, I'm fairly confident that things are plugging along normally. We'll do some scans in March to see where we're at. Whee! :)

I have had a series of instances along this journey that lead me to believe I have all sorts of love and energy around taking care of me. One of which is the people that draw my blood. The last few women have all had names that make me smile. Linda was one (my amazing Aunt), Chris was one (my amazing mom), Hazel was one (crazy great grandma, but a strong woman), and most recently was none other than Melissa. I choose to believe it isn't coincidence. It's all about what makes me feel better, right? 

Christmas was wonderful. One stint with my family and one stint with Brent's. Both are relaxing and full of laughter and smiles.

We're looking forward to this year, Cannon turns 6 this month and Max will be 8 in March. How did I suddenly have an 8 & 6 yr old? I give Max 2 years at most before he's taller than I am. Not that that is much of a statement. To be taller than a Sime is not shocking, but still weird for me!

Happy New Year!!