Relay for Life

    I have avoided cancer fund raising events for a few years now. I did the Susan Komen walk in 2008(?) and I don't think I've been to one since. It wasn't a bad experience at all, actually it was fun to be with my friends. However, throughout the event everywhere you look there are reminders of those that didn't make it. There are in memoriam t-shirts and signs all over the place. Human nature tends to focus on the negative, and for some reason that's what I focused on for a while. I didn't focus on the thousands of survivors that I was surrounded by that were walking with me, but those faces and names on t-shirts took the wind out of me. 

   I have signed up for a Relay for Life even at the end of July in Central Oregon. The same group of friends invited me, which was the first incentive to want to do it.  The second incentive was the ad campaign on tv that says "Help us END the fight for cancer." Or end the walk, or end the something. The "END" is what made me smile.  This is ridiculous that it is something that is so wide spread and we can't figure out a way to stop it. How is it possible that there isn't enough money to research and treat this when it effects so many people of so many ages. There has to be an end in sight, and I am excited by the fact that I hear more people talking about survival rates rather than death rates, and more people seeing it as a chronic condition rather than an end of life timeline.

   There are luminary to decorate and put at the side of the track as I'm sure you well know. My name will be on one. My first reaction was "I like to pretend I don't have cancer." Well, that would be a nice world of denial, but that's not what I meant. There are finally times when I don't think about my diagnosis all the time. In between scan days I feel like a normal human. I go to baseball games with the kids, I get haircuts, I get regular colds, and I do all the normal things that everyone else does. To those that see me everyday I'm not the cancer patient that they have to worry about, I'm just Mo (or Melissa) and we talk about normal things. That's all I really want. To be that normal me. People that I don't see as often I know they love me and I know they care, and I love that. However, when I get a "how are you" with a look of concern in their eyes, I'm forced out of my normal life into the life of that person with cancer. When I walk the track with a luminary with my name on it, my brain puts me out of "normal" life. I know it is entirely me. I am well aware that I make this a bigger deal than it needs to be. I am learning to deal with the process, and learning to look at the luminaries. I will look at those that are gone and feel their family's loss, I'll blink back some tears, and then I will look at all the ones that are walking with me that also have their names on a bag. I will focus on those and smile. 

    Please continue to ask me how I'm doing. I love that. I love reminders that I am supported and loved. Just please know that I may not give you a cancer-y update. It will probably consist of things like summer activities, camping trips, whatever injury Cannon has at that time, whichever book Max is reading, that sort of thing. I am GREAT!!!

   I have an appointment for a kidney stone gig on July 8th. My kidney function is totally normal and healthy, but when they look at scans they can't figure out where my ureter is draining. Their guesses are that it's kinked, or has some scar tissue that is blocking a regular flow. Because of my cancer - y- ness they need to explore the possibility that there is something blocking that will need to be biopsied. They need to make sure. Because my kidney function is normal, they said it would be very unlikely that it will be anything to worry about. They will probably end up putting in a stint, which I hear feels really good (immense sarcasm), and they will blast my existing stonehenge like the 4th of July fireworks. :) 

   After that I have another regular scan and appointment with my oncologist at the end of July. I feel great, all is going well and just plugging along normally. I visualize that appointment as a positive one and receiving reassuring information from the doc. 

   If you would like to donate to the Relay for Life, feel free to e-mail me and I will figure out how that works. :) We are the Holy Walkamolies… I am certain I spelled that wrong, but Donna Mohan came up with that awesome team name. You can't have a bad experience with a name like that!! Knowing her, we'll dance around that track...

Probably too much information...

I cried in a urologists office. Over a kidney stone. I'm totally one of "those patients." Ugh. 

I have since recovered, but I went to the urologist sometime last weekish. Apparently every time I visit a doctor office, especially if it is unfamiliar I mentally freak out. My blood pressure read normal, so I thought I was calm. Nope! 

The PAC told me that I would probably need surgery and or a stent to make the boulder living in my kidney come out. 

Blurry eyes, blinking back tears… 

She of course then continued to tell me that every surgery has risks of additional bleeding and infection. 

Tears spilling down one cheek… 

Then she realized what was happening and back tracked with "well, you have a lot going on right now, maybe we don't need to worry about it, your other kidney is working fine." This is when my brain went "WHAT!? I am not living with one kidney! I want both of them! I will be here for a long time, and I need two!" 

Tears down both cheeks, lip quiver...

I left the office with sunglasses on, and a post CT scan appointment scheduled for June. Drama queen! 

I don't know what it was that triggered this train wreck. She said there's some blockage in my ureter and she doesn't know why, so my brain said "cancer in the ureter!" Then she said possible infection side effect, and my brain said "infection means more cancer!" Man! I have got to chill out!

I called my mom and told her my kidney wasn't draining properly and they didn't know why. Mom's response: "So? I've had an upside down uterus for years, big deal!" Hahaha! Love that woman. Totally made me feel better.

I had an additional CT scan (different focus from previous scans I have had done) last Friday. The results confirmed the giant rock chilling in my left kidney. (It's not in a painful position, I don't feel it at all). They still don't know why things aren't draining properly, but the ureter is pinched or something. More than likely there will be a surgery where they will try to expand it or stretch it out. RAD! I said "rumor has it that's as painful as a kidney stone." Her response: "It can be uncomfortable." Cool. Thanks. 

Next, there will probably be another knock me out gig where they will try to break apart the stone and then my body gets to flush it out. Fun right!? 

I don't meet with the Doctor until June 9th, so none of this will happen anytime soon. In the meantime, I drink lots of water and do all my normal stuff. I'll keep you posted. 

Pouting over

Let's be honest, I will probably never be done pouting. It seems to be my thing. 😏 I felt sorry for myself for a while last night and for a while today, but I think I feel it turning around. 

I asked Dr Lee my usual string of probably irritating questions yesterday. What next? When? Why scans, how often? What if I need new drugs? What are they? What if that doesn't work... Is it possible that my cough made it look bigger!? (It isn't) 

My friend Chris compared me to those students we have that after they leave, we just put our head on our desk and are thankful they're gone. That's totally me with Dr Lee.

 She says things like "people do this for 10-20 years and are just fine!" I respond with "I want more than 10-20 years." So so selfish.

I read an article today on immunotherapy. I have heard of it for a while, but haven't read too much. Researching this world is a little scary, so I'm hesitant. Basically they get your own immune system to kill cancer cells. Its still in experimental stages and in clinical trials, but drs are getting excited about it.

 I read about it on cancer.org, which is exciting that it wasn't hippieshealyou.com. I feel like it was fairly reputable. 😬 

I can totally handle chronic conditions.

Anyway, life is getting back to normal today, and ready for spring break! 

Post appt...

I have to admit, I'm not thrilled. Dr. Lee said exactly what I thought she would say, she even said "I'm satisfied." For some reason though, I'm not. I want the antidote. 

I will continue to do what I have been doing and see where we are at in 4 months. More scans and bloodwork then. I don't get why my body has created this. I'm freaking healthy, why won't it just kill it and have it gone?

I know myself well enough to know that my frustration will be short lived. I will feel fine probably by tomorrow, but right now I kind of want to pout. 

Brent said it's not great news, but its definitely not bad news either. It could be much worse. We keep with this plan as long as we can, and then on to the next thing if we have to. I don't want to have to. I want to be the exceptional miracle that doctors wonder why I have magically healed. Is that too much to ask? 

Bottom line, I'm great. I feel great, my family is healthy and happy and all is well. I will pout for a bit tonight and be back to my jolly self in the morning. 

It's Dr Lee day!

Regularly scheduled appointment today with Dr Lee. I usually have some nerves before going to see Dr Lee, and I'm sure today will be no different. I have to remind myself though, I always feel better after having talked to her. She throws out phrases like "is no problem" when we discuss tumor things and helps me keep it in perspective. I think she will probably tell me we'll continue the drugs I'm taking and review things in 6 months. We'll look at pictures of my lungs, and I'll get to see the blurry mass that is my kidney stone buddy. 

I'll let you know how it goes!

Stay the course

The nurse called with the scan results. They're not the greatest results ever, but I feel pretty ok with it.

The size of the tumor has grown "verrrry minimally." It was 9.6 mm and is now 10.4 mm. When this whole gig started it was 11mm, so we're still slightly smaller than it used to be. I meet with Dr. Lee next Thursday to see what she has to say, but the nurse said at this point we're staying the course.

I didn't freak out when the nurse called, which is a nice change. Her news didn't stress me out, however over the last few days I find myself again wondering if I should change my diet again. Should I cut this out, should I do that differently, should I meditate more… blegh. I do strongly dislike how my brain does that. I was finally getting to the point where I felt like I was on a good path, I wasn't thinking about it all the time, I could be "normal" and now that stupid little tiny sucker is slightly bigger. Ugh.

There is a variability in scan results from time to time. For this reason Dr. Lee has told me that millimeter changes don't really concern her. The last change was a millimeter bigger, and now this one is another millimeter… maybe that will cause her stress. There were a couple of other smaller dudes in there also; they are unchanged which is good news.

Sometimes I wish I knew more about how all these technical machines work, and sometimes I'm glad I don't. The kids have had a cough (Cannon had a little pneumonia), and I've had a cough off and on. It's minimal, but a couple of days before the scan I was coughing fairly regularly. I want that to be the reason that it looks bigger. I want her to tell me that it looks bigger because of a virus, but I don't even know if that's likely or possible. The cough is now better by the way, in case you were concerned that I was coughing up a lung. I'm not. It's 99% gone.

In other exciting news my kidney stone is bigger. That painful sucker. I have a referral to go see a urologist to have them possibly zap it with sound waves and break it into pieces. Those pieces then get flushed out in a supposedly less painful manner… yeeeeee!

Overall, I really feel like I got good news. It seems strange, but I feel like I'm in a really good spot. At one point I asked Dr. Lee what if the drug doesn't work. She just said "then we try another one, there are tons of them out there." And more and more are being developed all the time. Even if this news means we try something else, I'm ok with that. Things are still looking pretty good.

Scaaaaaan daaaayyy

Today was scan day. There aren't any results for a while, but this part is over! I had some anxiety going in which is kind of weird considering I don't even learn anything. I just lay there and "take a deep breath and hold it...   Breath normally"

I think Siri also works in medical machines. 

I feel relieved that it's done. I meet with Dr Lee on the 19th and I'm guessing info will come then. It's in my chart that today was just a check up on progress type deal. That made me smile to hear the little injector dude say it. His name was Gavin, and he may be the first medical professional I have ever referred to as a kid. I felt like I wanted to rub his hair and tell him good job when I was done. Ha! So cute that little sucker.

Life is great. My mom reminded me to focus on all the good in my life... There's a lot! 

We have had a few days of playing outside with a big yellow thing in the sky. I could get used to that.