Closure

Even if its just Jenn & Bob that read this, Rick says it needs closure, and I agree. It feels weird to write on this blog because I feel like it should just be about cancer, and that's not something I want to think about or write about all the time anymore. There are still little things that stop me in my tracks and make me wonder if that's just a regular pain or a cancer pain, but they are becoming fewer and farther between. I hated the day that I realized that cancer has a whole new meaning. Its never something that's going to completely go away. It's going to be a constant thought in the back of my head somewhere. That still frustrates me, but it gets easier. Most days I'm completely confident that I'm fine and some days I don't think about it at all. Progress, right?
I wish there was a way I could thank everyone that helped and still helps us. I'll never be able to properly "repay" anyone. If I could afford to, I'd buy Brent a house on a river somewhere, my dad the porsche 911 he's always wanted, spend a day (or a week?) at the spa and shopping with my mom, buy a few more dozen horses for my Aunt Linda, pay off Rick & Debbie's new boat, just give out money or something... :) I know all they really want is for me to be ok, they don't want to be given anything, but I still wish I could.
I take tamoxifen for the next four years. It creates some pretty intense mood swings. Maybe they were there before, now I just have another excuse. :) I don't have hot flashes hardly ever, so that's nice. There are some other minor side effects, but they're minimal. I see my oncologist every 3 months where she checks for tumors, feels me up a bit, that sort of thing. :) She always has new information and recent studies she's read and calls on Sundays from her home phone if she needs to. She works way too hard, and I feel very lucky that she does.
Overall, life is great. Max & Cannon are hilarious. Cannon will be two at the end of this month and Max will be four soon. We all had a great Christmas at my Aunt's house, and at Rick & Debbie's house. I loved getting to hang out with my nephews, they're wonderful with Max & Cannon. The first time I saw Drew (who is 6) after I started growing hair last summer, he just stared at me. He was trying really hard to listen to what I was saying, but he kept looking up at my head. I finally figured it out. I said "do you want me to take my hat off so you can see that there's hair there?" He smiled and said "yeah." Then he and Tanner asked me how long until my hair looked like girls hair again. Ha ha, I love them. But, I'm not going to have girls hair again guys, I like it short.
So, Jenn also says I should post some pictures.



Max & Cannon and I at the zoo. We packed a lot of fun into our summer.



Race for the Cure in September with two of my favorite people in the world, even though I rarely get to see them, Lisa & Lauren.



One of my students walked in the Race for the Cure as well, and wrote this to wear in the race. It was the first cry of the day...



This is Max's pre-school field trip to the pumpkin patch in October



Our family, and I love saying that. I don't wear this hat often anymore because I wore it so much last year, now when I see pictures I feel like I still look sick.



Most of the SunRiver group (minus Ryan, Amy, & Ava) waiting for Santa Claus to fly in.



This is Max & Cannon and their cousins, Conner, Tanner, & Drew



We haven't uploaded Christmas pics to the computer yet, so that's about all we've got. Maybe I'll start another blog that's less cancer-y. :)

Thanks

No pictures

I don't have pictures because they're on the camera, and they'll probably be there for a while. I'm just not that on top of things. :) The last surgery is over, and we're feeling good! I have a little bit of ache, but not bad at all. I can't pick up Max & Cannon, which irritates me the most, but hopefully its the last time! We spent the weekend in Prineville with family and friends, and had a blast. I stayed in Prineville for a while with mom and dad so they can lift Max & Cannon for me. We also realized that Brent and I and the boys haven't been here in a year. Since my parents were at our house so much, we weren't here at all. Its kind of nice to be here in the quiet. Except for the neighboring cow that moos me awake about 6AM, its wonderfully quiet.
Max and Cannon had a great week with Rick & Debbie. They got new lunch boxes that they played with for hours. Max's has Lightning McQueen on it, he's obsessed with the Cars movie. Cannon's is John Deer. Both kids are tractor fanatics. They pretend to go to work with their lunch boxes over and over again. They're getting so much better at playing together, its awesome. They still have their moments where Max screams and Cannon tries to take a chunk out of Max's arm with his teeth, but it is getting better. At one point Max had 2 black eyes, and Cannon had one. We currently are back to no black eyes, so we don't look like abusers anymore.
Brent is back to work after 2 weeks off for vacation and sick leave. He's hopefully going to get some sleep while we're not home. A whole bed to himself, the AC on all week so the house will be at like 60 degrees, plus a fan on, and no little cars to step on, he should be good.
Its so nice for us to have 2 sets of grandparents that Max & Cannon love. They have a great time, and are very spoiled by all four of them. Such lucky boys. I worry a lot less about them turning out as decent human beings when they have so many people to love them. I'll still worry, but less. :)

Mini Pukers

Max has 2 black eyes. Cannon we thought would have a black eye, but its just a scrape right next to his eye. We're not abusers I swear. :) We went to Montana to visit, and Max caught Tanner's head with one eye, and Tanner's foot with his other eye. Total accident of course, but he's pretty funny looking. Cannon's scrape is from Max and a toy helicopter incident. Boys.

Turns out Cannon gets car sick. Max gets car sick too, but not nearly to the extreme of Cannon. Jerrad thinks this is funny, I think mainly because he is still bitter from having family vacations of vomit smelling vehicles from Brent. We hit Hood River last Wednesday, and just as Brent and Max made into McDonald's, Cannon puked his guts all over himself, car, carseat, etc. Wow, awesome. We got him all cleaned up, and the car seat as puke free as we could, and headed out again to Walla Walla. About Boardman, he puked again. I don't know if you're familiar with Boardman, but its on I - 84, the straightest road ever. Who pukes on straight roads!? Apparently, Cannon. I then wedged myself between car seats in the backseat of the subaru. We have a puke bowl that goes on all car trips. Cannon, only being one, doesn't yet get the "puke in the bowl" game. My plan was to sit with the bowl on my lap, stare at Cannon and watch for signs of up-chuck to catch them in the bowl. Good times huh!? It wasn't a perfect plan, but sitting between the seats was better than sitting in the front seat, facing backwards. Both Max & Cannon fell asleep about 20 minutes outside of Walla Walla. We washed everything, and had dinner and stayed with Diane & Gary. The next day we headed to Missoula totally afraid of more of the same. Luckily, Cannon fell asleep pretty early, and only had one small "urp." I called the doctor today to ask about medications to drug the little guy for future car trips. He didn't have anything for little dudes younger than 6. Poor kid, he's just miserable and exhausted and sick the whole trip.

We are headed to Tillamook next week for the fourth. We're taking the tent trailer to sleep in, and I'm thrilled! We are very much looking forward to visiting with Brent's family and relaxing. Max & Cannon will stay there the following week for some fun grandparent time, and because I'll be having surgery. THE LAST ONE! I won't be able to lift them for a while, but I'm very excited to have it all over and done with.

Holiday Road

We (and Rick & Debbie) are buying a pop-up tent trailer. Its going to be on a time share situation between Sweet Home and Tillamook. Look how cute it is!! :) I'm so excited! We get to test it out before we officially buy it, Brent's boss is a heck of a nice guy to let us do that. We popped it up yesterday, and it was like a transformer. I'd never been inside one, so I was totally impressed. Max & Cannon had dinner in the trailer. The door is attached to the ceiling, and then comes down, the beds slide out and the stove can attach to the outside so you can cook out there and not get the trailer too hot. Holy crap its awesome. I've been singing that song from the movie "Vacation," with Chevy Chase. "Holiday road...." Unfortunately that's the only words I know, so its the same verse over and over.
Today is also the students' last day of school, so maybe some of my excitement has something to do with that as well...

Laundry

They do get along and play together once in a while. :)

Max hates that sticky popsicle juice is running all over his hand. Seriously, high maintenance three year old. Gotta love him. Cannon had a popsicle too, juice and goo everywhere. I think maybe over 1/2 of our laundry is from Cannon.

You'll notice in the background of most of our pictures that there is constant laundry and or laundry baskets. The basket doesn't have a "place" that it gets put away to anymore, its just constantly on the floor. I'm sure that laundry will get much worse in my future with 2 boys, but its pretty impressive right now. Especially with Cannon roaming around. Here's a picture of Max & Cannon actually playing on the pile of laundry. Its a clean pile, but its become a playground.

There are a lot of pictures of Cannon here because Max won't let us take his picture. We have to bribe him, but Cannon is great at saying "cheese." Its one of the few words he says that everyone understands, so he says it often. He loves shoes, his, Max's, Brent's, mine, all of them. He has my shoes and Brent's hat on. The hat comes way closer to fitting than the shoes. (And again laundry in the background)

Cannon loves Brent. I mean, of course he loves his dad, who doesn't like Brent, but the kid is a daddy's boy. Brent is usually gone in the morning by the time the little dudes wake up. Last week Brent was here when Cannon woke up. Usually, I walk in, we play peek a boo through the crib, he kind of giggles, but just lays there smiling. Brent walks in, and the kid is standing up in about 10 seconds. He rockets up and says "DADDY!" He was thrilled. Once Brent picked him up, he just laid his head on his shoulder, perfectly content, and would sigh every once in a while. :) It was cool.

Relay for Life

Brent's boss and his family donated in my name to a Relay for Life event in Medford. It was incredibly generous and thoughtful. Happy tears. :) The first picture is of the luminarias lit up at night, the second is the one that was made for me. I know Donna made one for me last year in Tillamook as well. Very flattering, and humbling to see how many are out there.

Mom guilt

I'm convinced that mom guilt is the strongest force in the universe. When Max was still a baby I remember telling my mom that I felt guilty over something. (I don't even remember what it is now), and she just said "yeah, that guilt doesn't go away... ever." So true! I feel guilt that I work all day and don't see Max and Cannon. At some point during the summer I will feel guilt that the only person they get to see for most of the day is me, and they're not getting enough social interaction. On the outside looking in, I know its absurd and ridiculous, but I live inside my head, not outside.
When I talked to the social worker after radiation one day she was just talking introductory type stuff. She said "your kids are never going to forget who mom is." I immediately started crying. I hate crying in front of people, but I couldn't control it, and I was totally unprepared for that reaction. Someday when Max and Cannon are teenagers, don't ever tell them I have this incredible guilt going, they'll be able to get away with anything. "Mom, remember how you didn't nurture me enough when I was a baby!? Buy me a car!" Done, convertible ok?
We painted this weekend. We are on yellow/gold color #2,and its looking good. I didn't spend every waking minute with my children when I hardly get to see them during the week. I feel guilt over painting a bedroom. Wow, mom guilt, serious stuff.