Cousin Flashie!

I have begun the hot flash phase of the experience! It used to be that when I got mad (usually with students), my face and neck would turn red. Now, however, they won't know if I'm angry or if it's a hot flash! Tricked them! Ha!

The weepy business has been muuuuch better this week. I'm sure it was better because my cold is better and nearly gone, I slept well, I didn't overdo it, etc. I had a few hot flashes, but at this point it's still kind of a novelty. I'm sure it will be much less entertaining at some point, but none of this stuff is irritating enough to really bother me. Yet.

Basically I'm plugging along, taking my drugs, visualizing those tumors shrinking and thinking as positively as possible, while still allowing myself to whine and pout once in a while. I will have more bloodwork and scans in November to check out the progress and see how those drugs are doing.

The kids are back to school and are doing great. The kindergarten teachers tell me that Cannon is focused. I never thought I would hear "Cannon" and "focused" in the same sentence... who knew!? They are amazing little dudes. They are used to seeing my cry now and it doesn't phase them much, which is good. They make me laugh and they take care of me when I need it. I have the greatest family ever. :)

Holy hormones Batman!

Even the dynamic duo couldn't handle this hormone business! 

This week back at work has been interesting. I started Monday with so much adrenaline and excitement I think I wore myself out for the rest of the week. I have some weepy teary business that has set in that is impressive. Emotions are crazy powerful things! I have moments where I want to cry that come out of nowhere and I don't know why. If I'm home I just go for it and usually after about 20 minutes I'm good again. Since I'm working I'm more tired so the crying happens more often. Tuesday night I was literally sitting on the couch bawling until about midnight. It wasn't fun, but at the same time I was fascinated. Obviously I have some stress in my life, but it really didn't feel like I had a reason for the tears, they just kept coming. Totally dehydrating! I'm not looking for sympathy here, just trying to paint a clear picture of irrationality. 

Today in the middle of some stimulating staff development stuff I suddenly felt panicked and wanted to hide and cry. I took some deep breaths and calmed myself down and made it to lunch. I had some tears off and on all afternoon and just felt sad and overwhelmed. Tonight I just let it all go, brought in some thick Kleenex, and some water to hydrate and just let it happen. I feel so much better! I can't believe how fast this changes! I literally feel great now that my intricate makeup is smeared and there are streaks of snot across my face. Apparently I can hold it in only for so long and then my Grandma Madge proves that she's right once again. "Honey, just cry! It will make you feel better."

Brent's ok with the crying mostly. He tries to make me laugh, which sometimes works, but a guy can't be that funny all the time. He took the kids for dinner and let me recover in peace which is perfect. 

For those of you that are waiting with the video cameras, I think it just got interesting.

Post op

I'm good! All organs in there are clear and healing nicely. I can exercise and do what I want. My basic rule is: if it hurts, back off and don't do it. Got it! My energy level has been pretty good during the day (without working), I just fall asleep on the couch about 8:30. The doctor said Monday is fine to go back, so I'm going for it!

She asked about menopausal side effects, have I had any? I said no, but it was mentioned to me that they may not set in for 3-4 weeks. She said sometimes yes, but if I was to have really serious intense issues that it would have happened by now. Side effects still possibly out there, but they should be more mild. Wheeee!!

I did bloodwork yesterday also. They want some baseline info to compare to. They will do a tumor marker test to get some numbers, and some other stuff (liver function?). In November we will do more bloodwork and see where the numbers are. Hopefully the numbers are dropping!!! Until then I'm going for normal life. 

The Dr office

Things I do at a doctor's office:

Subtly look at other patients to try to determine what they're in for. Some are obvious, bald is a give away if they're female, oxygen tanks are pretty easy, visible casts are again obvious. When we went to OHSU I was convinced that everyone there was dying I was just trying to figure out from what. It's not a place for check-ups! It has to be serious if you're there right!? I'm always tempted to ask others what their deal is, I think it's the Grandpa Leon in me. It's probably not appropriate so I haven't... yet.

Check out the magazines. I used to pick up things like Time or National Geographic. I'm sure everyone else is really concerned with what I'm reading so I wanted them to know I wasn't reading trash. Now I don't care what anyone thinks, so I'm free to look for People and US. You know, the educational ones.

Analyze the decor. Did they select the paint colors to try to create a calming atmosphere? Did the doctor have control of it or the office staff, or does Samaritan demand their offices are painted a certain way? What about the chairs makes them seem so medical? Can I picture these chairs anywhere other than a waiting room? (No) 

Make up stories about the receptionists: she has a family with 2 kids and probably sends them to Mostessori school. She hates plastic bags and styrofoam. The other one, however, is sleeping around, and probably has a fifth of something stashed under her desk. I'm not judging, just being creative!

And apparently I 'blog' about things while I'm waiting. 

Over analyzing

Me: "Brent I can't tell if I'm wanting to cry because of post-surgery crash, hormones, lack of hormones, cancer, kids are gone, or if I'm just over-analyzing."

Brent: "Really? I'm going with over-analyzing."

Me: "Yeah, good call."

I have some pain, but minimal and I can get up and around pretty well. I definitely need to keep busy because otherwise I'm going to sit around thinking about and therefore creating pain somewhere in my body. With nothing to do I could stub my toe and decide it's inflamed and it's a side effect of something. I can get pretty creative when my brain really goes for it! 

I have some bloating still, but it's getting better. I should have taken a series of progression pictures. It would be like backwards of pregnant belly pictures. 1 day along bloated, 2 days minimal bloatage, 3 days ate a large dinner, 4 days normalish! Probably not gallery worthy...

I learned of someone today who has had cancer for 20 years and I had no idea. I'm obviously not thrilled that they have it, but it helps to hear stories like that. He doesn't advertise it, he's not venting about horrible it is, it's just a part of his life at this point. More proof that that Internet searching stuff is ridiculous. I should shut Internet off at my house at 9pm or something. Those late night what ifs are a rough gig. I'm still trying to figure out how to minimize those. Funny stuff helps, Tina Fey books and entertaining e-mails from Nell keep me distracted. Maybe I'll try some aversion therapy. Every time I have a negative thought I'll do push-ups as punishment to teach my brain that they're bad. I hate push-ups that would be horrible. I can imagine Brent wondering why his wife's on the floor in the middle of the night...

Enough rambling...

Ovaries clear

They tested the ovaries for cancer, and there isn't any. They had a board of people review the results to make sure it was accurate and they found none. Wheeeee!!!

Little bored

Just on ibuprofen at this point, which is all sorts of exciting. Less loopy, more awake, and good to drive. There's definitely some stomach bloating going on from the gas they had to pump into me. It's a unique experience to have that going on.

I'm basically sitting around reading, Internet surfing, crossword puzzling, texting anyone and everyone, and catching up on celebrity gossip through a giant pile of magazines. The first few hours were fun... I did walk the loop twice...

Tomorrow there will be a bit more venturing out, mainly for sanity. I can definitely feel some ache when I move around much, I walk with a pregnant-like waddle. We'll see what tomorrow brings!