Blame

    I am trying really hard to convince myself that things are not my fault. It seems like human nature automatically wants to find a reason why. At least my human nature does. If I can figure out why I have cancer, then I can fix it... In finding a reason why it essentially means I'm searching for something that I have done wrong. Not intentionally, but I keep trying to figure out where along the way the cancer grabbed hold and started growing again and why.

  On a surface level I see that it's not my fault. Cancer is everywhere and it seems like everyone will get it at some point or another, so it cannot possibly be my fault that this is happening. All organic vegetarian yoga instructors end up with cancer, so blaming my diet seems foolish on some level, but... I still want to have a reason.

   You would be amazed (and probably entertained) at the number of ways I have attempted to find cause for this.

Stress... my job is wonderful and I love it, but holy cow stressful. I can feel myself in "go mode" (my friend Jesse calls it "business Mo") throughout my day, shoulders up, leaning forward as I'm storming down the hallway on a mission. Sometimes the loud clank of my big kid shoes with heels makes my ears literally hear my stress, and I finally slow down. My headaches used to be somewhat stress related, so I have tried to notice when I'm in "go mode" and take a breath and relax, literally rest my shoulders down, and regain perspective on things. Certainly if I was better at this I wouldn't have had cancer come back.

Diet... I enjoy having a beer or margarita in the evenings, I used to eat Mac & Cheese like it was going out of style (ah, the college days), and I have a caffeine addiction that comes with sugary creamer. If I had eaten better, my immune system would have been stronger, and would have been less susceptible to cancer returning, or even showing up in the first place. Everything I eat throughout my day I now think about how it will affect my body. Will I lose/gain energy, will I get a headache, will I get nauseous, will it make my immune system angry... etc. I haven't had alcohol in about a month, I have coffee, but the creamer I have has fewer ingredients and I can pronounce all of them, and mac & cheese hasn't been in my cupboard in years. Realistically, I am not the only person that has these things in their day to day diet, and some of them don't have cancer. For some reason my body doesn't process these things well?

Guilt...Directly related to stress, I feel guilt for lots of stuff. I don't sit in a corner and rock back and forth feeling responsible for the world's issues, but I do feel some level of guilt for some fairly ridiculous things. I feel guilty about having cancer because it makes the people I love sad. (That's a biggie) I feel guilt over not being the perfect mother, wife, teacher, citizen, whatever. It's not intense 'what have I done' type guilt, but it's in there somewhere. Again, I know it's foolish, but it's in there. Sometimes I feel guilt because others have so many worse scenarios... people lose their kids to this nastiness, how can I have a "poor me" attitude when it could be sooo much worse?

I did something wrong or cruel to someone in the past and this is the universe's revenge for what I did. Yup, that one is my favorite because it's probably the least likely, but some days it seems all sorts of rational.

One book I read talked about cancer being a physical form of resentment. I spent some serious time trying to figure out where in my life I felt resentment. Yeah... I can't find it. I think I've let this one go finally.

   Everyone grows and matures in their own way, and as I'm being forced to grow through this process I am slowly understanding that I haven't done anything to cause this. My mom tells me over and over again that it's not my fault. I know she's right, but somewhere deep inside I have not been able to fully believe it. I'm getting closer though. I can feel my brain releasing that idea that I have created this situation. It feels lighter which is nice. There are some nice things about all of this. I am reminded to really enjoy each moment, and I get to know exactly how loved I am by those around me. Growing and maturing... that's me. Hee hee.

  For the record, I am not writing this in an attempt to have added responses of "it's not your fault." Nor am I writing this to make you think I need counseling. Well, I think we probably all do on some level.

Headaches and blegh

Before they yanked out my ovaries I had headaches that seemed to be hormonal. They were predictable as far as when they would hit, and certain foods seemed to trigger them hitting harder. When a headache stays in my head for too long, I start throwing up, and it gets ugly from there. I had it kind of under control in the last year. I still had some rush home last minute deals, but for the most part I could tell when it was coming, take some big kid aspirin type stuff, and be ok.

I was under the (foolish) assumption that post-menopausal would be better. If I don't have hormones rushing through there then the headaches should go away, right? So so wrong. Now they're just more unpredictable. If I have hot flashes at night I can tell it will create a morning headache. Usually the big kid aspirin takes care of it. Last Wednesday and yesterday (Friday) they kicked my booty. I had to miss work, and I spent most of the day curled up on the bathroom floor. The day after I feel great, normal, no pain, all is well. Both times I ate at a Mexican food restaurant the night before, so perhaps something in that food pushed me over the edge. Brent doesn't think it's food related and wants me to call one of the doctor team on Monday, so I'll probably do that.

One view: I hate that it knocks me down and I can't function. It means more work for other people, taking care of kids for me, finding a sub for me at work, etc. and it's just irritating and not that much fun to spend the day feeling crummy. Two view: When it happens I am surrounded by people that are willing and happy to help and bail me out. It's only one day when some people have headaches and are knocked out for days. It could be worse.

I'll keep trying to figure out the culprit and get it back under control. I do feel great today, the sun is out and we're headed to soccer games. I'm glad I didn't have to miss those! :)

No news is good news

Beautiful sunshiny day and still some flowers in bloom! Life is good 

People don't update or vent about all the good things going on. I haven't posted in a while because I have been plugging along feeling normal. Somewhat normal anyway. Work is going well, I actually like my hordes of freshman classes. Their immature fart jokes are still dominating most of their humor, but we're working though that one. 

Max and Cannon are doing great at school. Max has the same teacher as last year and a great class. He doesn't like change so this transition back to school has been very easy for him (and us). Cannon's teachers tell me he's really focused which is shocking to me, but I'll take it! Brent is thrilled to not have to be the only one in the house getting up early in the morning. 

I still get a little weepy at times. This morning I gave Max a hug and my eyes started welling and he said "you can just cry, it's ok." That kid is amazing. Cannon of course came and joined in the hugging session, I recovered and we all went back to breakfast. A new normal.

All of this is so much easier with the support of so many people around us. Cards of just checking in and saying hello show up once in a while, kind words of support, gifts for the kids, it's wonderful. They all get here at just the right time when we feel like we need a boost. Something that reminds us that others are thinking of us and sending their love. If we all told others how much we loved them more often wouldn't that be cool!? 

I am trying to eat as healthy as possible while still maintaining some sanity. I ate a plateful of French fries last night, so there is the ocassional binge. The better I eat the less weepy, hot flash, etc I have. 

October makes me nervous. Breast cancer awareness month. Pink everywhere. On one hand it's wonderful, money being donated, thoughtful people with pink gifts galore. On the other hand, a constant reminder when somedays I just want to forget and not be the girl with cancer. There's always a new normal. :) 

Cousin Flashie!

I have begun the hot flash phase of the experience! It used to be that when I got mad (usually with students), my face and neck would turn red. Now, however, they won't know if I'm angry or if it's a hot flash! Tricked them! Ha!

The weepy business has been muuuuch better this week. I'm sure it was better because my cold is better and nearly gone, I slept well, I didn't overdo it, etc. I had a few hot flashes, but at this point it's still kind of a novelty. I'm sure it will be much less entertaining at some point, but none of this stuff is irritating enough to really bother me. Yet.

Basically I'm plugging along, taking my drugs, visualizing those tumors shrinking and thinking as positively as possible, while still allowing myself to whine and pout once in a while. I will have more bloodwork and scans in November to check out the progress and see how those drugs are doing.

The kids are back to school and are doing great. The kindergarten teachers tell me that Cannon is focused. I never thought I would hear "Cannon" and "focused" in the same sentence... who knew!? They are amazing little dudes. They are used to seeing my cry now and it doesn't phase them much, which is good. They make me laugh and they take care of me when I need it. I have the greatest family ever. :)

Holy hormones Batman!

Even the dynamic duo couldn't handle this hormone business! 

This week back at work has been interesting. I started Monday with so much adrenaline and excitement I think I wore myself out for the rest of the week. I have some weepy teary business that has set in that is impressive. Emotions are crazy powerful things! I have moments where I want to cry that come out of nowhere and I don't know why. If I'm home I just go for it and usually after about 20 minutes I'm good again. Since I'm working I'm more tired so the crying happens more often. Tuesday night I was literally sitting on the couch bawling until about midnight. It wasn't fun, but at the same time I was fascinated. Obviously I have some stress in my life, but it really didn't feel like I had a reason for the tears, they just kept coming. Totally dehydrating! I'm not looking for sympathy here, just trying to paint a clear picture of irrationality. 

Today in the middle of some stimulating staff development stuff I suddenly felt panicked and wanted to hide and cry. I took some deep breaths and calmed myself down and made it to lunch. I had some tears off and on all afternoon and just felt sad and overwhelmed. Tonight I just let it all go, brought in some thick Kleenex, and some water to hydrate and just let it happen. I feel so much better! I can't believe how fast this changes! I literally feel great now that my intricate makeup is smeared and there are streaks of snot across my face. Apparently I can hold it in only for so long and then my Grandma Madge proves that she's right once again. "Honey, just cry! It will make you feel better."

Brent's ok with the crying mostly. He tries to make me laugh, which sometimes works, but a guy can't be that funny all the time. He took the kids for dinner and let me recover in peace which is perfect. 

For those of you that are waiting with the video cameras, I think it just got interesting.

Post op

I'm good! All organs in there are clear and healing nicely. I can exercise and do what I want. My basic rule is: if it hurts, back off and don't do it. Got it! My energy level has been pretty good during the day (without working), I just fall asleep on the couch about 8:30. The doctor said Monday is fine to go back, so I'm going for it!

She asked about menopausal side effects, have I had any? I said no, but it was mentioned to me that they may not set in for 3-4 weeks. She said sometimes yes, but if I was to have really serious intense issues that it would have happened by now. Side effects still possibly out there, but they should be more mild. Wheeee!!

I did bloodwork yesterday also. They want some baseline info to compare to. They will do a tumor marker test to get some numbers, and some other stuff (liver function?). In November we will do more bloodwork and see where the numbers are. Hopefully the numbers are dropping!!! Until then I'm going for normal life. 

The Dr office

Things I do at a doctor's office:

Subtly look at other patients to try to determine what they're in for. Some are obvious, bald is a give away if they're female, oxygen tanks are pretty easy, visible casts are again obvious. When we went to OHSU I was convinced that everyone there was dying I was just trying to figure out from what. It's not a place for check-ups! It has to be serious if you're there right!? I'm always tempted to ask others what their deal is, I think it's the Grandpa Leon in me. It's probably not appropriate so I haven't... yet.

Check out the magazines. I used to pick up things like Time or National Geographic. I'm sure everyone else is really concerned with what I'm reading so I wanted them to know I wasn't reading trash. Now I don't care what anyone thinks, so I'm free to look for People and US. You know, the educational ones.

Analyze the decor. Did they select the paint colors to try to create a calming atmosphere? Did the doctor have control of it or the office staff, or does Samaritan demand their offices are painted a certain way? What about the chairs makes them seem so medical? Can I picture these chairs anywhere other than a waiting room? (No) 

Make up stories about the receptionists: she has a family with 2 kids and probably sends them to Mostessori school. She hates plastic bags and styrofoam. The other one, however, is sleeping around, and probably has a fifth of something stashed under her desk. I'm not judging, just being creative!

And apparently I 'blog' about things while I'm waiting.