I am usually a pretty healthy person. Since my second or third year of teaching I have built up a pretty good immune system to the little sweethearts germs. This year, however, I seem to be germ central. It's irritating. I have had a cold for over a week. Every day I wake up and think "it's getting better! It should be gone in another day..." Yeah, that hasn't worked out, it's still here. It makes me angry. I've been so freaking healthy! I haven't had any alcohol, I exercise regularly, I get about 8 hours of sleep, and I'm really careful about what I eat. This is just stupid.
I tell people that I haven't seen in a while that I'm sick, but it's not because of cancer. I feel the need to include that disclaimer in case they wonder. I told Dr. Lee that when I cough I imagine the cancer cells growing and having a party. I asked her if that was likely. She laughed and said no. Part of her job at NYU was to grow cancer cells and inject them into mice to test out different drugs. She said she came in disappointed pretty regularly because the cancer cells were so hard to grow. My friend Chris said she would think of it as coughing out the cancer cells. Wouldn't that be cool!?
Anyway, overall I'm great. I have regular germs and regular colds just like non-cancery people. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow. :)
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
The details
The numbers are unchanged from July. Unchanged means the drug is working!!!!!
The protein markers in my blood are what started this whole shebang in May. The numbers were at 29 in December, and went up to 46 ish in May and June. They are not incredibly accurate in their information. Some oncologists don't even use them because they can give false positive results. In my case, the positive results were positive. Irritating, but good to know a simple blood test will tell us where we're at. After surgery the number was 38, Monday the number was 45. They can vary some depending on diet and stress. I'm guessing my anxiety ridden Monday created some extra stuff, but who knows if that's accurate.
The drug that I take (Arimidex) is considered to be successful if it does one of three things: eliminates cancer altogether, drops the numbers, or leaves the numbers unchanged. My numbers are unchanged, hence success!! It's still early to tell, it's only been 2 months of taking the drug, and it will take a while to really get going. I would love it if the numbers start dropping, but I can have numbers at 45 forever and be just fine with that too!! The next blood draw is in another 2 months. If all is normal at that point, we go another 2 months and have a CT scan. (That puts us into March). The CT scan at this point would be pointless because it's so close to the last one there would be little change.
I was hoping today that the numbers would be smaller, so I was initially a little disappointed. By the time I left Dr. Lee's office though, I was a bit peppy. The drugs are working, working, working, whee!! Dr. Lee was also pointing out that there are tons of options out there for treating this stuff. Breast cancer is the one to have because there is so much stuff out there and new things happening every day. If this drug doesn't work, she listed at least three others that we could try next if need be.
Dr. Lee's reasoning: At least you're not diabetic! Those poor people have to inject themselves 2-3 times a day! You just have to take a pill and you're fine! We will work together to make sure I'm fine for a very long time.
She was surprised I didn't have more menopausal side effects. She said she expected to walk in to see me red faced and sweating and angry. I have some, but they are minimal and totally do-able. I have the headache thing to figure out, but I'm working on it.
Overall, things are looking good, and I'm thrilled!!!!!
Thank you for your support and thoughts and kind words today. I have beautiful flowers on my desk and messages of love and support all over the place. Everything is rosy. :)
The protein markers in my blood are what started this whole shebang in May. The numbers were at 29 in December, and went up to 46 ish in May and June. They are not incredibly accurate in their information. Some oncologists don't even use them because they can give false positive results. In my case, the positive results were positive. Irritating, but good to know a simple blood test will tell us where we're at. After surgery the number was 38, Monday the number was 45. They can vary some depending on diet and stress. I'm guessing my anxiety ridden Monday created some extra stuff, but who knows if that's accurate.
The drug that I take (Arimidex) is considered to be successful if it does one of three things: eliminates cancer altogether, drops the numbers, or leaves the numbers unchanged. My numbers are unchanged, hence success!! It's still early to tell, it's only been 2 months of taking the drug, and it will take a while to really get going. I would love it if the numbers start dropping, but I can have numbers at 45 forever and be just fine with that too!! The next blood draw is in another 2 months. If all is normal at that point, we go another 2 months and have a CT scan. (That puts us into March). The CT scan at this point would be pointless because it's so close to the last one there would be little change.
I was hoping today that the numbers would be smaller, so I was initially a little disappointed. By the time I left Dr. Lee's office though, I was a bit peppy. The drugs are working, working, working, whee!! Dr. Lee was also pointing out that there are tons of options out there for treating this stuff. Breast cancer is the one to have because there is so much stuff out there and new things happening every day. If this drug doesn't work, she listed at least three others that we could try next if need be.
Dr. Lee's reasoning: At least you're not diabetic! Those poor people have to inject themselves 2-3 times a day! You just have to take a pill and you're fine! We will work together to make sure I'm fine for a very long time.
She was surprised I didn't have more menopausal side effects. She said she expected to walk in to see me red faced and sweating and angry. I have some, but they are minimal and totally do-able. I have the headache thing to figure out, but I'm working on it.
Overall, things are looking good, and I'm thrilled!!!!!
Thank you for your support and thoughts and kind words today. I have beautiful flowers on my desk and messages of love and support all over the place. Everything is rosy. :)
GOOD NEWS
I'll post more later when I'm not sitting in the parking lot in my car on my phone, but... Numbers are unchanged which is good news! Last year in 5 months tumor marker went from 29 to 45. Test now are still at 45, unchanged. This means the drugs are working!!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Wednesday is the big day.
Tomorrow I meet with Dr Lee to see if all of this is actually working. I had a blood draw yesterday, they'll share the numbers with me at the appointment tomorrow.
I have a daily affirmation thing that I read every day. It's a little like Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live, but it makes me feel better and is therefore worthwhile. I feel like so much of this is getting my head into the right frame of mind. The affirmations give me one thing to focus on everyday and it seems calming.
Yesterday I had to schedule the blood draw and for some reason that sent me into anxiety mode. I cried a bit in front of my class for the first time in 12 years. I felt much better after it was all done, and now feel ready for my appointment tomorrow. I guess I had to get it out.
I visualize frequently that the meds are working, that eating better is working, that exercising is working... I visualize and focus on total health. I am ready tomorrow to confirm that it's working. That doesn't guarantee another breakdown won't happen, but I can handle those.
I look around my messy house, and my scattered desk, and I think about my amazing family and friends and I think... Life is sooo good right now, I don't want anything to change. I realize life is all change and my kids will grow up, and my family and friends lives will change... I will adapt as I need to, but wow... I have it pretty good right now.
For those of you that pray, that send positive energy or white light or whatever works for you... Tomorrow we'll find out it's working!!
Friday, October 25, 2013
Blame
I am trying really hard to convince myself that things are not my fault. It seems like human nature automatically wants to find a reason why. At least my human nature does. If I can figure out why I have cancer, then I can fix it... In finding a reason why it essentially means I'm searching for something that I have done wrong. Not intentionally, but I keep trying to figure out where along the way the cancer grabbed hold and started growing again and why.
On a surface level I see that it's not my fault. Cancer is everywhere and it seems like everyone will get it at some point or another, so it cannot possibly be my fault that this is happening. All organic vegetarian yoga instructors end up with cancer, so blaming my diet seems foolish on some level, but... I still want to have a reason.
You would be amazed (and probably entertained) at the number of ways I have attempted to find cause for this.
On a surface level I see that it's not my fault. Cancer is everywhere and it seems like everyone will get it at some point or another, so it cannot possibly be my fault that this is happening. All organic vegetarian yoga instructors end up with cancer, so blaming my diet seems foolish on some level, but... I still want to have a reason.
You would be amazed (and probably entertained) at the number of ways I have attempted to find cause for this.
Stress... my job is wonderful and I love it, but holy cow stressful. I can feel myself in "go mode" (my friend Jesse calls it "business Mo") throughout my day, shoulders up, leaning forward as I'm storming down the hallway on a mission. Sometimes the loud clank of my big kid shoes with heels makes my ears literally hear my stress, and I finally slow down. My headaches used to be somewhat stress related, so I have tried to notice when I'm in "go mode" and take a breath and relax, literally rest my shoulders down, and regain perspective on things. Certainly if I was better at this I wouldn't have had cancer come back.
Diet... I enjoy having a beer or margarita in the evenings, I used to eat Mac & Cheese like it was going out of style (ah, the college days), and I have a caffeine addiction that comes with sugary creamer. If I had eaten better, my immune system would have been stronger, and would have been less susceptible to cancer returning, or even showing up in the first place. Everything I eat throughout my day I now think about how it will affect my body. Will I lose/gain energy, will I get a headache, will I get nauseous, will it make my immune system angry... etc. I haven't had alcohol in about a month, I have coffee, but the creamer I have has fewer ingredients and I can pronounce all of them, and mac & cheese hasn't been in my cupboard in years. Realistically, I am not the only person that has these things in their day to day diet, and some of them don't have cancer. For some reason my body doesn't process these things well?
Guilt...Directly related to stress, I feel guilt for lots of stuff. I don't sit in a corner and rock back and forth feeling responsible for the world's issues, but I do feel some level of guilt for some fairly ridiculous things. I feel guilty about having cancer because it makes the people I love sad. (That's a biggie) I feel guilt over not being the perfect mother, wife, teacher, citizen, whatever. It's not intense 'what have I done' type guilt, but it's in there somewhere. Again, I know it's foolish, but it's in there. Sometimes I feel guilt because others have so many worse scenarios... people lose their kids to this nastiness, how can I have a "poor me" attitude when it could be sooo much worse?
I did something wrong or cruel to someone in the past and this is the universe's revenge for what I did. Yup, that one is my favorite because it's probably the least likely, but some days it seems all sorts of rational.
One book I read talked about cancer being a physical form of resentment. I spent some serious time trying to figure out where in my life I felt resentment. Yeah... I can't find it. I think I've let this one go finally.
Everyone grows and matures in their own way, and as I'm being forced to grow through this process I am slowly understanding that I haven't done anything to cause this. My mom tells me over and over again that it's not my fault. I know she's right, but somewhere deep inside I have not been able to fully believe it. I'm getting closer though. I can feel my brain releasing that idea that I have created this situation. It feels lighter which is nice. There are some nice things about all of this. I am reminded to really enjoy each moment, and I get to know exactly how loved I am by those around me. Growing and maturing... that's me. Hee hee.
For the record, I am not writing this in an attempt to have added responses of "it's not your fault." Nor am I writing this to make you think I need counseling. Well, I think we probably all do on some level.
Diet... I enjoy having a beer or margarita in the evenings, I used to eat Mac & Cheese like it was going out of style (ah, the college days), and I have a caffeine addiction that comes with sugary creamer. If I had eaten better, my immune system would have been stronger, and would have been less susceptible to cancer returning, or even showing up in the first place. Everything I eat throughout my day I now think about how it will affect my body. Will I lose/gain energy, will I get a headache, will I get nauseous, will it make my immune system angry... etc. I haven't had alcohol in about a month, I have coffee, but the creamer I have has fewer ingredients and I can pronounce all of them, and mac & cheese hasn't been in my cupboard in years. Realistically, I am not the only person that has these things in their day to day diet, and some of them don't have cancer. For some reason my body doesn't process these things well?
Guilt...Directly related to stress, I feel guilt for lots of stuff. I don't sit in a corner and rock back and forth feeling responsible for the world's issues, but I do feel some level of guilt for some fairly ridiculous things. I feel guilty about having cancer because it makes the people I love sad. (That's a biggie) I feel guilt over not being the perfect mother, wife, teacher, citizen, whatever. It's not intense 'what have I done' type guilt, but it's in there somewhere. Again, I know it's foolish, but it's in there. Sometimes I feel guilt because others have so many worse scenarios... people lose their kids to this nastiness, how can I have a "poor me" attitude when it could be sooo much worse?
I did something wrong or cruel to someone in the past and this is the universe's revenge for what I did. Yup, that one is my favorite because it's probably the least likely, but some days it seems all sorts of rational.
One book I read talked about cancer being a physical form of resentment. I spent some serious time trying to figure out where in my life I felt resentment. Yeah... I can't find it. I think I've let this one go finally.
Everyone grows and matures in their own way, and as I'm being forced to grow through this process I am slowly understanding that I haven't done anything to cause this. My mom tells me over and over again that it's not my fault. I know she's right, but somewhere deep inside I have not been able to fully believe it. I'm getting closer though. I can feel my brain releasing that idea that I have created this situation. It feels lighter which is nice. There are some nice things about all of this. I am reminded to really enjoy each moment, and I get to know exactly how loved I am by those around me. Growing and maturing... that's me. Hee hee.
For the record, I am not writing this in an attempt to have added responses of "it's not your fault." Nor am I writing this to make you think I need counseling. Well, I think we probably all do on some level.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Headaches and blegh
Before they yanked out my ovaries I had headaches that seemed to be hormonal. They were predictable as far as when they would hit, and certain foods seemed to trigger them hitting harder. When a headache stays in my head for too long, I start throwing up, and it gets ugly from there. I had it kind of under control in the last year. I still had some rush home last minute deals, but for the most part I could tell when it was coming, take some big kid aspirin type stuff, and be ok.
I was under the (foolish) assumption that post-menopausal would be better. If I don't have hormones rushing through there then the headaches should go away, right? So so wrong. Now they're just more unpredictable. If I have hot flashes at night I can tell it will create a morning headache. Usually the big kid aspirin takes care of it. Last Wednesday and yesterday (Friday) they kicked my booty. I had to miss work, and I spent most of the day curled up on the bathroom floor. The day after I feel great, normal, no pain, all is well. Both times I ate at a Mexican food restaurant the night before, so perhaps something in that food pushed me over the edge. Brent doesn't think it's food related and wants me to call one of the doctor team on Monday, so I'll probably do that.
One view: I hate that it knocks me down and I can't function. It means more work for other people, taking care of kids for me, finding a sub for me at work, etc. and it's just irritating and not that much fun to spend the day feeling crummy. Two view: When it happens I am surrounded by people that are willing and happy to help and bail me out. It's only one day when some people have headaches and are knocked out for days. It could be worse.
I'll keep trying to figure out the culprit and get it back under control. I do feel great today, the sun is out and we're headed to soccer games. I'm glad I didn't have to miss those! :)
I was under the (foolish) assumption that post-menopausal would be better. If I don't have hormones rushing through there then the headaches should go away, right? So so wrong. Now they're just more unpredictable. If I have hot flashes at night I can tell it will create a morning headache. Usually the big kid aspirin takes care of it. Last Wednesday and yesterday (Friday) they kicked my booty. I had to miss work, and I spent most of the day curled up on the bathroom floor. The day after I feel great, normal, no pain, all is well. Both times I ate at a Mexican food restaurant the night before, so perhaps something in that food pushed me over the edge. Brent doesn't think it's food related and wants me to call one of the doctor team on Monday, so I'll probably do that.
One view: I hate that it knocks me down and I can't function. It means more work for other people, taking care of kids for me, finding a sub for me at work, etc. and it's just irritating and not that much fun to spend the day feeling crummy. Two view: When it happens I am surrounded by people that are willing and happy to help and bail me out. It's only one day when some people have headaches and are knocked out for days. It could be worse.
I'll keep trying to figure out the culprit and get it back under control. I do feel great today, the sun is out and we're headed to soccer games. I'm glad I didn't have to miss those! :)
Sunday, October 6, 2013
No news is good news
Max and Cannon are doing great at school. Max has the same teacher as last year and a great class. He doesn't like change so this transition back to school has been very easy for him (and us). Cannon's teachers tell me he's really focused which is shocking to me, but I'll take it! Brent is thrilled to not have to be the only one in the house getting up early in the morning.
I still get a little weepy at times. This morning I gave Max a hug and my eyes started welling and he said "you can just cry, it's ok." That kid is amazing. Cannon of course came and joined in the hugging session, I recovered and we all went back to breakfast. A new normal.
All of this is so much easier with the support of so many people around us. Cards of just checking in and saying hello show up once in a while, kind words of support, gifts for the kids, it's wonderful. They all get here at just the right time when we feel like we need a boost. Something that reminds us that others are thinking of us and sending their love. If we all told others how much we loved them more often wouldn't that be cool!?
I am trying to eat as healthy as possible while still maintaining some sanity. I ate a plateful of French fries last night, so there is the ocassional binge. The better I eat the less weepy, hot flash, etc I have.
October makes me nervous. Breast cancer awareness month. Pink everywhere. On one hand it's wonderful, money being donated, thoughtful people with pink gifts galore. On the other hand, a constant reminder when somedays I just want to forget and not be the girl with cancer. There's always a new normal. :)
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