Uh-oh, she's exploding!

I have a temper.
A big one.
I'm not proud of it, it's embarrassing.

When Brent and I first started dating, my friends told him I had the potential for exploding anger. He didn't believe them, so he decided to pick a fight with me to really see what he was in for. The argument wasn't that big of a deal until he told me why he started it. As the story goes, that's when I really showed off the temper.

I honestly try to keep it under control, and I'm honestly embarrassed when I calm down and become normal again, and I try to make my apologies. Brent doesn't argue with me anymore, he just walks away and waits for the normal to come back. He's so mature, right!? How do people do that!? Man I wish I had that!

I think I've been a little on edge lately. We are tearing down the fireplace structure, and it's kind of a mess. Not a big deal, but a little out of whack. I have a scan coming up on March 9th. I haven't really thought much about this business, but the thoughts are creeping back in. I had a student ask me about my tumor today. I had another student tell me I was causing him to learn less and my methods were off, and I had a parent tell me that I was teaching "the math backwards, you're doing it all wrong."

Each of these things individually not a big deal. All of them cursing around in my brain is like a ticking time bomb! I did have a rather heated discussion with the student who argued with me, I'll have to find him tomorrow and "rephrase my plan."  I did, however, keep my mouth shut with the parent, smiled and said thank you, and left. Pretty good right!?

My face still turned purple from anger, but I held it in.

Every time I read about stress related illness I think about these moments. Ugh… I'm trying I swear!

Being an adult is hard.

How are you?

I have had a few people lately ask me how I'm doing, or tell me they miss "the blog." I kind of do too. I like writing and venting stuff even if nobody reads it… It seems to be healing. I sometimes write when I'm grasping for answers, or needing support. I haven't had to write for those reasons in a long time and for that I'm am grateful. I have had some ups and downs, and there will continue to be. For the most part though, everything is awesome (me and the Lego movie).

I still find myself visiting encouraging websites when I'm feeling down or freaked out. I can't tell you how many times I have googled "cancer survivors" because I need as many of those stories as I can possibly get. The really exciting part of that is I find more and more of them when I look. You have to look for them though. Cancer deaths are much easier statistics to find. I read somewhere that when you criticize someone they then need three positive things to attempt to balance out the negative. Human nature is really good at focusing on the negative. I like to find the positives to counter balance the negatives.

I over analyze everything anyone says ever. When anyone asks me "how are you?" I instantly wonder what they mean.

Are they just making conversation? (probably)
Do they want to know just a generic answer? (more than likely)
Do they want an entire medical rundown? (who would?)
Are they just asking about my overall sanity and stress level?
Do they even know that I have this cancer business? Should I tell them?

 I have more than once offered too much of an honest answer. Since you know me and my level of brutal honesty this won't surprise you. As soon as the word cancer comes up, for some people it's an automatic pity look on their face. Sometimes they even cry. I realize this is out of love for me, and I appreciate it at that level, but I'm not dying. I'm right here in front of you just being a regular person. The word cancer is so terrifying because it is associated with so much death and suffering. It is also associated with a whole lot of success and survivor stories. I surround myself with people that know I'm going to be just fine. Maybe that's just me being foolishly optimistic. How can anyone read any statistics and honestly believe they're ok? I don't know. I just do. For this reason, I give an automatic "I'm good!" answer. I don't want pity and I don't want tears. Brent always says the pity reactions are  "just because they don't understand." I get that and I know he's right. I just prefer to surround myself with people who do understand. I want my friends and family to ask how I'm doing, and I want to talk to them about it. I love that, but I want you to know that even if I'm stressed or freaked out. I'm ok and I'm going to continue to be ok.

I promise to let you know when I need tears and support.

For now, I have another scan in early March, regular stuff. Blood work every so often, pill everyday where I feel zero side effects. Everything is awesome.

Lessons from my dog

This is Finn McKlumph, named after Finn McMissile in the Cars 2 movie. She is also known as train wreck, or Finny Marie if you're my Aunt Linda. Here is her signature modest sleeping pose. She's a lab and hilariously awesome, and probably obnoxious if you don't know and love her. Watching her in panting action tonight I'm totally entertained and taking lessons.

Lesson #1. Live in the moment!! Cancer? What's cancer? What happened yesterday? What happened five minutes ago? Hey look! It's a ball!!!

Lesson #2. Exercise and play everyday. We get to play!!?? YES!!! Chase the ball, retrieve the ball, chase it again, retrieve it again… repeat until you throw up.

Lesson #3. Make sure the people you love know you love them. My people are home! Wheee!! Make sure I am touching one of them at all times every second of the day. If they try to leave look as pitiful as possible.

Lesson #4. All of us need hugs. Pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me!

Lesson #5. Brush your teeth, man doggy breath is disgusting.

PS

Oh yeah… health wise… I have blood work that has been rescheduled for this next Thursday. My stress overload is decreasing. My cold sore is nearly gone, my headache is gone, my acne is backing off and my kidney stone hasn't been felt in days. I got a massage yesterday, the sun is out and I exercised. My blood pressure was pretty high on Friday, so it was a good reality check to chill out and not get caught up in the stress. My whole system was pissed and screaming at me, so I think I finally got the message. :) I'm working my way back down from the rafters.

Running and Rambling

Running in the sunshine might be the greatest thing ever. I finally felt good enough for exercise today. It was slow and somewhat painful and absolutely beautiful. As I was about to head up the giant hill back home, a friend of mine drove past. She was in a white car in the passenger seat with the window down. Picture a tall long haired blonde woman with sunglasses on, the sun on her face. Her arm was fully extended out the window with a huge thumbs up and a smile directed at me.

Sometimes I picture lives as a movie. As snapshots of moments of lives I guess. Like if there was a movie of my life, then at the end they would show these moments in my life that sort of sum it up, and it would all be set to some really cheesy music. Everyone would cry at how touching it was, and would smile at the same time. Which moments of my life would be chosen totally depends on the mood that I'm in. This moment of my friend in the car should have been one of her moments.

As I then headed up the giant hill to my house I started thinking about beauty. That moment was beautiful. When I watch my friend Jesse in all of her confidence I see such beauty. I see my mom playing with a superhero mask on her face with my kids and its beautiful. We get so caught up sometimes in seeing the beauty in others we easily forget to see our own. Or we try to emulate them rather than be who we are. Is it just my personality and my genetic makeup that sees someone else and thinks "I should do that?" Instead of thinking "good for them" my brain goes to "I should do it too."

I see my sister in law Jenn who never physically stops moving unless she's on a boat on a lake. She's playing, she's planning, she's cleaning, she's running just a little bit farther, she's… just… always… going. I see my other sister in law Sam who is tall blonde and "the hot one" in my wedding pictures. She's always so stylish, she's great with kids, she's all sorts of craftily talented. My cousin Amy is always super thoughtful about remembering birthdays, sending gifts, listening to what you really want. I'm surrounded by so many inspirational amazing people. I think I have tried to be like each one of them one way or another. It's absolutely exhausting. I don't really want to clean all the time, I don't want to care what I look like all the time, I am learning to be thrilled with who I am and be thrilled that they are who they are. Why should we all have the same strengths? That's just boring.

I had run 3.6 miles today when I hit the bottom of my hill. If I was running with Jenn & Sam they would have insisted we make it up the hill and we run exactly 4 miles, or we would have gone an additional mile so it was an even 5. I thought about it. "Sam and Jenn would keep going, I should just run." Why is it my human nature to focus on the .4 that I didn't run rather than the 3.6 that I did? I got home and thought "I should play with the kids," even though I really want to write.

I think I have finally gotten to a point where I recognize that I can appreciate what other people are like without a need to have to do it too.  I catch myself and think "screw it, do whatever the hell you want to do." Does this mean I'm maturing!? Yikes.

I walked up the hill and sang out loud with my headphones on. I walked across the field to my house in the sun and sat down on the porch to write. I hope my end of life slideshow has me singing out loud in the sunshine.

Time to vent...

Overall things are great, but I've been pretty frustrated the last couple of weeks. I have had a kidney stone just hanging out in my left kidney for 6 years. It developed during chemo and has just become my little dormant side kick. Well... It's decided to move and shake things up a bit.

People get kidney stones all the time and they vary as far as pain and intensity. Last week I had one night and day that it hurt like a son of a gun. No sleeping, no breaks in the pain... All sorts of fun. Finally it moved or something and I had times of no pain and times of little pain. It's been kind of alternating between it hurts and I forget its there. 

My stress relief is exercise. A kidney stone does not like exercise. This time of year is hectic at school with seniors trying to graduate and kids bouncing off the walls with the sun out, and it's just always stressful for me. I apparently have not been managing my stress well because I had a breakdown yesterday and last night. I feel better sanity wise today, but now there's a headache and some throwing up. I don't think of myself as sickly, but twice in the last 2 weeks I've had to be gone from school which means everybody else has to rework their schedes to bail me out. Irritating. I'm guessing today's sick is my body telling me I need a break. I'm annoyed and saying the f word a lot...

I have bloodwork today at 3 to make sure all the cancer stuff is cruising along. My kidneys don't hurt today. I haven't thrown up in a few hours. Hopefully we've hit the bottom and we're working our way back up.

Everything is Awesome

Super annoying song from the Lego movie (also annoying), but completely true. Things are going great. Brent and I often look around us at our families who are incredible, at our friends who are great, at our kids who are hilariously awesome, and just smile at all we have. 

This scenario sometimes makes me wonder when the ball will drop for something not so awesome, but I'm learning to stay in the moment and not worry about what's out there in the future. It's hard. How you just change your line of thinking is kinda tricky, but I'm working on it. 

Brent wanted to make a bucket list for us the other night. Cool and fun idea, but my brain instantly thought "is this because you think I won't be around very long?" Which is not what he was thinking at all. He just wanted to write stuff down so we wouldn't forget. Changing my thinking... :)

As far as the bucket list is concerned I really don't have much. I would like to travel, but there wasn't much that jumped to the front of my brain. Maybe I'm getting better at being happy in the moment than I thought.

I get today off from work, so as I lay in bed this morning I hear the kids quietly playing in the living room.  They're letting me sleep... that's a pretty nice moment.