GI Jane?

I could kick Demi Moore's butt dude! :) After being fairly certain I couldn't shave it off, I did it anyway. Well, I've been told its not shaved, just a buzz cut, I don't envision myself putting an actual razor to my head. I had to get it over with, and the wisps (handfuls) of hair that were floating behind me in the wind had to go. Max could have cared less. I of course over-worried that one. Cannon, ditto. I kind of like it. Except for the gray. I knew it would be there, but that Cannon side of the family is definitely there. I like them, but man do they have the gray-white hair! Oh well, its just hair. It feels weird in the shower. When the water hits my head instead of hair it feels different, and I automatically reach to wring it out when the water's off. Its kind of liberating though, a definite adrenaline rush. Maybe I will have to burn those bras...
I went to school for 1/2 a day today. I felt tons better today than yesterday, but not fantastic. Its so frustrating to have treatment, which the during part isn't a big deal, but the after takes so long to feel normal again. To have a week (or more) to feel like myself again is annoying. I know, heal, take care of yourself, rest, blah blah blah, I am, but I don't want to! :) I'm not thrilled at all about still having six of those suckers to go. Six more weeks of feeling crappy. Sweet. I did get sick today, but its the first time since Friday, so the anti-nausea I think is working. It seems to be. After I got sick I felt great. I came home and Max & I took a two hour nap, and I felt like a rockstar when I woke up. Well, a bald graying rockstar. I have another 1/2 day tomorrow, sort of, we'll see how it goes.
Brent's been awesome as usual. Well, he felt a little sick yesterday, but good today. He gets to go fishing tomorrow, which he's been so excited about that he started getting ready last Friday. He also makes sure I feel pretty in the middle of my hair falling to the ground. He's a good one.
Everyday I remind myself that tomorrow I'll feel better. Its kept me going so far.

Bust out the hats

The hair's coming out! Its a little disgusting, and definitely disturbing, but there's only a 5% chance it stays in. After the 76% thing, I am always aiming for the majority, so let it fall. I am trying to get the courage to shave it, but its not here yet. What a stupid thing to hang onto, strands of hair that may or not be attached anymore. Maybe tomorrow I'll do it. I did buy a sucker for Max so we can call it a party and bribe him with candy in case he freaks out. I'm at home today. I took the little dudes to daycare, whihch I feel bad about considering I'm home, but I have to keep reminding myself to take it easy so I can get better. I feel like there are all these things I should be doing. I used to be able to lay on a couch all day long in college doing nothing, completely guilt free, apparently those days are gone. I do feel pretty good today. I feel a little loopy, and like I need to walk slow, and do everything slowly, but I'm not nauseous. The headache that I seem to get from drugs or chemo is gone for now. My dad's working today, and I still have a 1/2 day planned for tomorrow. We'll see after that.
My school last Thursday dressed in pink for me. Not to be outdone by Tillamook, kids had on pink or at least a pink ribbon, as did staff members. It was hard to find a kid that didn't have pink on somewhere, even the skippers. I also had balloons, flowers, cards, a bear, and a giant pink heart made by the spanish class. Very flattering. I had one girl that came up to tell me that she had a pink tank top on, but it was cold, so you couldn't see it, but she wanted to make sure I knew that she cared about me. Aw, how cute, maybe she's not really flunking... ha ha
Having Rick & Debbie here was great. Max & Cannon of course loved it, Max got the infamous doughnut from the store, as he usually does when a grandparent takes him, and Cannon got to be held as much as he wanted. Brent & Rick did some serious weeding, Debbie & Brent did some serious cleaning, and I did some serious sleeping. How worthless am I? So, when I get up the courage to be the bald girl, I'll post a picture, talk to you soon.

Round Two DONE

The only way to get Max to take a picture at times is to bribe with a sucker. I need to get his haircut, and it may require the same bribe.
So, I made it through round 2. The during isn't bad at all, its just a matter of how I feel after. Felt ok yesterday, the acupuncture was very cool, last night I got sick a couple of times, but am feeling better today. I'm not ready to go run a marathon, or watch chemicals on tv, but I'm up and not nauseous. Rick & Debbie are here to help out and they came armed with food and cookies. They also brought the pink capes for Max & Cannon.
I can't believe you Harmon chicks are giving me crap about writing thank yous! We have received tons of letters and cards and gifts telling me how much you all like me, and how amazing you think I am (which I love, I keep them all and reread them). I thought the least I could do was to send a card not just to thank you, but to stay in touch, tell you the same. And I get crap for it! I'm tempted to send Diane about 20 thank yous just to be irritating. :)
So, I'm hanging out, fairly immobile, but feeling ok. Waiting for it to pass and feel normal again! My dad is working for me Monday, I might try a 1/2 day Tuesday, just depends on how things are going.

I'm good

I've been told if I don't post things regularly, people start to worry about me. My coworkers see me everyday, so I don't think they're concerned, but for the rest of you, I'M ALIVE! :) Thanks for worrying about me. I've felt great, had energy, doesn't feel like I'm poisoned at all. I have a whole new standard, feel poisoned vs. don't feel poisoned. Good stuff. Back to plastic surgeon this afternoon. I'm thinking this is the last time, I don't need "dollies" as Dr. Havard calls them.
Tomorrow is acupuncture, so I'm only working 1/2 of a day, and then Friday is poisoning #2. Rock on. After Friday, I will be halfway done with cocktail #1. If I break it into parts, it seems less daunting. I feel ready to go for chemo. I'm sure there will be some nerves involved, and probably some puking, because regardless of drugs, I am a puker it seems. I'm trying not to expect that, because that whole mind control thing I'm sure if I expect it it will happen. We'll see!! Maybe I should just set a new standard for this too, try not to vomit before chemo even goes in. I'm so cool. I think I told you I got sick before they even put in the chemo last time.
I do meet with Dr. Lee tomorrow (oncologist) which will be good. I have some questions about the drug I get to take after all of this stuff. Apparently some people don't have the gene in their body to break down the drug to let it do what it needs to do. There has been a blood test developed in the last six months to determine if I have the gene to make it work or not. Another survivor woman told me that, so I apparently need to start doing more research... I'm not a researcher. It seems that they've taken enough of my blood they should be able to test for anything and everything, but I'm sure they'll take more.
My coworkers (who are now blog readers, hi!!) have been making dinners for us, which has helped IMMENSELY. Rick & Debbie are coming to visit this weekend and are bringing about 12 frozen dinners from Tillamook folk. We are well taken care of!!
Brent has some scheduled days to get out of the house in the near future. He is in serious need of time away, time without thinking about drugs, smelly kids, etc. He handles it all amazingly well, but I worry about him. Max & Cannon are awesome. I didn't think Max would ever be a wrestler since he doesn't like people touching him, but he had some impressive moves this morning while I was trying to get him dressed. Thorpe, you wouldn't want him, he'd tell you "no" all day long. Other than those daily fits, he's doing very well. He even shows signs of caring about Cannon from time to time. Cannon is hilarious and always good for a smile. When he gets excited he throws his arms out to the sides, does an air hump (sorry, but its true), and yells "Aaaaaahhhhhhh!" ha ha ha, that kid's funny.

Normal Family Day

Life is normal... ish. Thursday I talked to my principal about possibly working half days and told her I wasn't seeing my kids, etc. She completely understood, she's awesome, and we called a sub to come talk to me about the possibility of him filling in for a while. My dad doesn't want to work everyday, I wouldn't want him to, I hope I don't have to when I retire. :) Anyway, Thursday at work I took my nap and felt great all day. I was awake and not sick that night, played with the little dudes, everything was rosy. Friday, same thing, rosy. Today is Saturday, I haven't taken any anti-nausea since last night and I've felt good all day. Hmmmm, maybe I will have normal-ish days. So I did talk to the sub about working for me half days maybe part of the week after chemo, more if I needed it, less if I didn't. Here's what the most recent thoughts are. And I'm sure after chemo and the whole "everyone handles it differently" thing this will again change, but I like to have plans for some reason. So, my dad will work Fridays for sure (maybe 1/2 of Thursday too for acupuncture) and the following Monday. We'll see how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling functionable, then I'm going to have other sub work 1/2 day Tuesday, maybe Wednesday as well, and see what's happening in the puke world. Its probably going to be hardest on my students, they'll have me sometimes, dad sometimes, and teacher #3 sometimes. They'll live. My after lunch class is the regular skippers anyway. Most days they don't know if they're in the right class at all, so it probably won't phase them. The last period class is Freshman. They're too hopped up on caffeine and hormones by that time that the teacher standing there yelling at them is really immaterial. So, I'll get to see my kids a normal amount, maybe even more, and sort of teach.
So, chemo #2 is Friday. Anytime I'm feeling nauseous from this stuff, the word "chemical" makes my stomach turn. I watched "How It's Made" the other night and they were making some plastic-y thing with all sorts of chemicals, and I couldn't handle it. I went to bed. I could, however, finish an entire peanut butter mildshake with ease. I promised half to dad, he didn't get half. There's still a lot of normal in my life.
This is the first weekend in a while that we have been able to hang out as a family, just the four of us. It was over a month ago that I had surgery, and we've had people coming to visit and help out, and make food, etc. I have absolutely loved having everyone here and been totally spoiled by all the food and the helping with diapers, but I thought about it today and we haven't been together on a weekend with nothing to do since like early August, maybe even before that. We went to Corvallis today, had lunch and played in the fountain by the river. People at the bakery where we had lunch were making faces and smiling at my adorable children, and I got to feel like a normal happy family. Aw, so nice. Cannon of course had food all over himself and was thrilled. He waved his arms and yelled what I'm sure he means as hello. Max of course didn't say anything to anyone other than, "no." Tomorrow we have more big plans of nothing. Probably a trip to the playground, and some other seemingly boring things. We certainly have a new appreciation for the normal day, I couldn't be more excited to have them.
I also got a call today from my "project H.E.R." person. I'm supposed to know what that stands for I'm sure, but I don't. Its the person that's sort of assigned to me, to check in with me who has been through it all before. Other places its called Reach to Recovery Volunteer. Anyway, she's been talking to someone else as well. Don't worry, I'm not the jealous type. This other woman is about to go through the same surgery I went through, with at least one of the same doctors. She had some questions and wanted to know if I'd be willing to talk to her. I was excited! She was on her way out the door, but I'll talk to her tomorrow. Look at me, being the boob expert, saving the world. I love it!

I'm an idiot

So on the drug bottles that they give me, there are bright yellow warning labels. I just read them yesterday. On one of them it says "may cause headache." I've had a headache for like three days. When I get headaches, I get sick, like nauseous sick. I'm an idiot. Stopped taking that one, no headache today. Not nauseous now, we'll see how I feel when I get home. This isn't rocket science Mo, figure it out, its bright yellow!
Ovary is clear. There's some fibroid that has calcified. Dr. Lee says this is "no problem." Dr. Lee says chemo is "no problem." Dr. Lee's no problem and my no problem are very different things. Bottom line, its not cancer, I don't care what it is. So, after not making it through Monday, I took Tuesday off and sent Mr. Sime back in. Wednesday I tried again, and made it through the day (with a nap in the middle), but was exhausted by the time I got home. Brent went to pick up anti-nausea #3, I puked once, took it, and have felt good since. I did make it through the school day, which is good, but I felt crappy and wasn't able to see Max & Cannon much. That's not ok with me. I'm at school today (Thursday) and we'll see how it goes. If the next couple of days leave me exhausted by the time I get home, then we'll have to do something different. I may talk to the boss about working part time or something, if that's an option. Obviously my first priority is Max & Cannon. There's no way I'm not going to see them at all for three months.
I'm mainly frustrated that I can't do what I want to do. I want to be able to teach, be a mom, coach. I feel like some shell of myself, I can only do parts of each. If everything goes according to schedule, then chemo will be over December 19th. That's three months from tomorrow. I'll have radiation after that, but that shouldn't make me vomit. I'm focusing on December 19th and hopefully feeling normal again. :)

Wheee!

I tried to go back to school yesterday, but I didn't make it. I should have taken a nap during my prep time, but I didn't, and I ended up going home after puking in the bathroom. Awesome. I spent last night feeling crappy, and was sick until about 8 or so, then finally started feeling better. My parents went home and came back and dad's at school today. I think I just did too much. I took the anti-nausea, but I had a little bit of a headache, and I felt a little loopy, so I guess it was too much. I feel good today, still a little unsure of how my body's going to handle anything, but good. I had coworkers bail me out yesterday and cover my classes last minute, which was relieving. I also had a student aid that was my personal escort all afternoon. He sat in the office while I was laying down in the health room. He said he wanted to make sure I was ok. Aw, nice kid.
This whole poisoning your system thing just sucks. I still realize things could be much much worse, but I'm not excited about three months of this. Three months can fly by or it can drag. When I think of how much Cannon will learn and grow in the next three months, it seems like it'll by gone before I know it. But, when I think of more needles and poisonings, yeee, doesn't sound like fun. Maybe my body will get used to it. I feel like I have permanent medicine head. When you take cold medicine and you feel a little loopy? That's how I feel most of the time. I think I can function if I take it slower and don't go gung ho, but I'll just feel weird for a while. I'll take weird over throwing up, but its not thrilling.
In the meantime, hair's still here. I over-analyze the amount that falls out. I stare at the hairbrush wondering if that's a normal amount? I know it'll all sort of come out at once in big clumps, but I'm still compelled to wonder if mine will be different and it'll just thin. Its weird to get up in the morning and check out your pillow to see how much hair is there. Definitely a different "normal."
I go to the sonogram today to check out the ovary. I'm not worried about it, I just want it over with. I am supposed to go back to the plastic surgeon tomorrow for more pumping up, but I think I'll delay that a week. I want a few days without doctors.

All Better

When Max hurts himself, and we kiss it, suddenly its "all better." The puking needed more than a kiss, but we've got it figured out for now. Go drugs go!! I puked a few times yesterday, but after I put the posting on here, I stopped. I have 2 different drugs I take at alternating times, and it works! Yay! I am starting to get a little tired here and there, but not bad. I realize it will get harder, but at this point I know it is totally do-able. I have been given a variety of hats that are all very cute. I'm actually looking forward to my hair falling out so I have an excuse to wear them to school. I know the hair falling out thing may be hard when it actually happens, but right now I don't think it'll bother me. As long as I'm not nauseous, I can go about my normal day.
I went to get an immune booster shot today. Apparently 7-10 days after chemo your immune system is pretty defenseless. This is why the booster shot, to make sure I don't get really sick, and am able to stay on my 2 week schedule.
And if you didn't read the comment from Debbie yesterday, read it. Go Tillamook High School! I am totally impressed and flattered. I'm sure you did it more in support of the THS Mrs. Klumph than the SHHS Mrs. Klumph, but its amazing that that many of you did something outside of yourselves to make others feel supported and loved. My softball team has done the same thing. I hope you continue to do good things for others your entire life. I'm proud of you and Thanks!!!

7 to go...

I am feeling crappy, so this will probably be short, but in spite of puking, I'm incredibly excited to have one over with. I started feeling sick last night I think just with everything going on this week, and was still feeling a little sick this morning. So Mo the amazing puker puked the first time before I even had chemo in me (about 9). The anti-nausea that they gave me through the purple port helped for a while. While the chemo went in it was totally fine. The Adriamycin was red, and made me pee red, glad they warned me of that one, and the nurse put it in which took about 15 minutes. The next one was dripped in and took about half an hour. The port is great, no pain, didn't feel it going in, nothing. I then went to acupuncture. This felt nice, but I started puking right after. I tried an anti-nausea at one, got sick again when I got home. Brent called the doctor, and is at Safeway getting anti-nausea #2. I think I'd still rather take this than cancer. Maybe we'll figure out the nausea thing, maybe we won't, but I can puke for a couple days if it means no cancer!! Love you

Unremarkable

Here's a picture of the "power port" that's in my chest. Its just below my collarbone on the right side. I had absolutely no nausea, and Amber, I loved this anesthesiologist lady. It was a different one than last time, very personable, very comforting, plus I didn't puke, so I love her! It was again hard to get the IV in, so yay for ports. My Aunt Linda is obsessed with the color purple, so I'm sure she loves that this sucker is purple. Its under my skin, just a bump that sticks up a little bit. Its not painful, I did take some drugs earlier because my right arm is a little sore, but not bad at all.
The results of the bone scan came back, and all is normal. Rumor has it that if breast cancer was to spread, it would go to bones first, so if its not there, we're probably good. I also got the CT scan report in the mail which said that the ovary thing is "cystic." Sounds good, but we have to go look and see just in case. All the other organs reported on were "unremarkable." This is a good thing, but its funny to see something from a doctor that says your chest is unremarkable. Growing up, I had plenty of teenage boys to tell me that, I didn't need a CT scan for that one!
The plastic surgeon was good. I do not have to wear the ace bandage anymore!!!! The expanding wasn't painful. One of the needles to numb me kind of hurt when it hit the muscle, but not bad. The saline that goes in says "for irrigation purposes only" on the bottle. So, I'm unremarkable and full of irrigation. Rock on. I think I'll only go back like one more time, then I think I'll be good, but I guess we'll see!
I'm feeling ok about chemo tomorrow. I really just want to get on with it so I know how it will affect me. I don't like the unknown.
I have a variety of things to take with me tomorrow to make me feel better. I'm taking the prayer shawl that I got from Peggy (Rick & Debbie's church) that I absolutely love. Something about it immediately calms me and makes me feel better. I'm taking the Dutch Bros. coffee bucks from Diane because I don't know when coffee will taste good again, and I love coffee. I'm wearing a new shirt from the Sackvilles (thank you!!!!), because who doesn't love new clothes, and shoes that Sam gave me that she's deemed "cancer perks," and my lemon slushy bracelet. I have comfort foods, as well as comfort clothes. I'll have a book of sudoku puzzles from my cousins for entertainment. And, of course, the most comforting thing that I'll have with me, is Brent. Something about that kid sitting next to me makes it all ok. I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow evening, but if I don't feel up to writing, I'll have mom put something on here to let you know how I'm doing. Love you!!

Kick me

Acupuncture was awesome. I left feeling totally relaxed. I felt like I was talking really slow and acting like a stoner, but it felt great! I don't know if it was the needles, or the fact that I was laying in a quiet room for like 20 minutes where my entire job was to relax. aaaahhhh. It was cool. I do that again after chemo, right after chemo, and its supposed to help with the nausea. We will see!
Monday was CT scan and bone scan. Between being injected with radioactive material while drinking the "berry flavored" drink, I was all aglow. They give you an option of berry flavored or citrus flavored. This is total crap, there is not flavor, just ew. It tasted like really creamy milk with some seven up in there, and some old lemonade. You have to make it last an hour, so you get to sip it and really get the flavor stuck in your mouth. Mmmmm. While they were trying to inject me with radioactive stuff for the bone scan, they had a hard time getting a vein to work. They tried once, missed, had a heat pack, beat on my arm for a while, had me squeezing a ball, etc then finally got one to "rise." Lucky me. Basically this was very reassuring that I need to do the port thing. I'm not excited about the port thing, but I don't want to have to hunt for veins every time I go in there, so ok, port me. Everyone says the port is the "way to go." I love that terminology, like anything about chemotherapy is the "way to go."
Anyway, the CT scan showed something questionable on my right ovary. "Cystic tissue." I get to do more tests. The doctor says she "doesn't think its cancer at all, but we have to be sure." It's probably a cyst, but there's too much stuff (organs, bones, etc.) in that area to see clearly, so ultrasound next Tuesday to check it out. At this point I don't know if I'm not concerned about this because I have some sort of intuition that tells me not to worry, or if I'm not concerned because its just one more thing in my new "norm." Kind of like if you keep kicking someone with the same force, eventually they'll probably get used to it, you have to kick a lot harder before its going to create a reaction. Kick me again, its cool, I can take it. Brent & I talked about it, Me: "ok, worse case scenario, its cancer, another surgery, and more chemo." Brent: "ok, fine, whatever." We're becoming numb. We just know there's nothing we can really do about it, so "whatever."
The oncologist says my hair will fall out after the first treatment. Again, I want to know exactly when. I don't know why, just makes me curious. Am I going to be taking a shower Saturday and all of a sudden its all gone? I've heard women say they shake their head from side to side and there's hair floating in the air all around them. When it does start falling, I'm thinking I'll shave it. Why wait for the last bit to go? We're going to call it a "shaving party" for Max's benefit. Anything with the word party attached he thinks is great, give him a sucker, maybe he'll want to help shave, he'll be good. Cannon's happy as long as he's eaten, so he should be good too.
I won't be at school tomorrow and Friday, so its weird to say to my students "see you Monday maybe." Having no idea what's about to happen has also become my new norm, but I still don't like it. I want to have some idea. Oh well. Ok, I have to plan for Mr. Sime to be here tomorrow & Friday, so off to work I go!!

Doctors, doctors, doctors

This teaching stuff is really getting in the way of my freelance writing career... I am loving being back at work. The students have been awesome. I've been brutally honest with them, which is of course all I know how to do, and they've handled it marvelously. Even the freshman, at least day one and day two, they were good. They could totally be a ticking time bomb, but I'll take what I can get. I have one student who is laughing about her teacher telling the class that she can't shave one armpit because of lack of feeling. These are the things that students tell their parents that they're learning at school. They never tell them that I actually teach them math concepts, just that I have a hairy armpit. Gotta love teenagers.
Thank you for all your insights into my 76%. I'm good now, doesn't bother me, doesn't consume my thoughts anymore, much less desire to scream from the rooftops. Although I would like to hang out with the homeless guy that Lisa commented on. I think I have a lot to learn from him.
I seem to have joined a cancer club now, and some of you may have as well just in talking about it with others. I've had three other staff members come talk to me about lumps they've found, husbands with cancer, etc. Its pretty amazing how widespread it is. I'm hoping at some point I learn how to say things to people to make them feel better. I empathize (probably spelled wrong) with them, but I don't know what to say other than "that sucks." It does make me feel better to hear all the other stories. Its comforting to know you're not alone, and that there are tons of people that made it through as much as I have, and more.
Next week I have some sort of doctor thing everyday. Wheee!! Monday is a bone scan and a CT scan. I think these are both to look and make sure cancer hasn't spread as well as to give baseline info to compare to as I go through chemo. I will probably call the doctor to find out exactly why these are recommended, but I'm really tired of talking to the doctors on the phone at this point. Tuesday is acupuncture, excited about this, Wednesday is the plastic surgeon to start enlarging my chest (and hopefully to remove ace bandage!!??). Thursday, port goes in my chest at 9AM. I have to be knocked out for this again, I'm totally afraid of puking from anesthetic, but I guess we'll see. And finally Friday, the big CHEMO followed by acupuncture again. The good news is that I think I'll be so busy running around trying to figure out where I'm going that I won't have too much time to develop severe anxiety over chemo. Maybe...
Totally non cancer related, this morning as I'm trying to get Max & Cannon ready to go so I'm not late for a meeting, Cannon coats the carpet in poo. I'm thrilled, obviously. Stupidly I did not put a diaper on him after this, thinking it was done, so after I got it cleaned up, I got poo #2. I finally got him and carpet cleaned up, and realized I had some urin on the bottom of my skirt. Ok, I have freaking cancer, shouldn't there be some sort of universal karmic thing that prevents me from having to clean poo off my carpet and pee off of me!!!?? Apparently not. Those little dudes are always a good reality check. Oh, in the middle of this, Max stopped watching cartoons long enough to yell, "Mommy!!!! Cannon pooped!!!" Thanks Max.
I also found out yesterday that I will be doing radiation after chemo is done. I don't know yet if that means we're radiating chest & armpit, or just one of them. Apparently four weeks after chemo, we start this one. In an ideal world, chemo will always happen on schedule, my body will always be ready for it, and I'll be done December 19th. Four weeks after this I start radiation everyday for 35ish days. I have coworkers that live in Corvallis, so I think I'll hitch a ride over with them, and ride back home with Brent. I think all of this scheduling is just preparing me for my future when Max & Cannon are older, and involved in 9 activities at a time, and I have to figure out which one happens where and when and keep track of it all. If I can balance doctors, I can balance little league. That's all the info I have for now. Thanks again for the cards and gift cards, and one "Chuck D. Duck" figurine. Randy & Nell are either really funny, or something is seriously wrong with them. ha ha!!