Shock

My armpit is dark red, purple, and blackish in parts. It hurts and feels like the skin is stretching, but its not bad. I haven't written anything in a while because I'm in shock. Monday we found out that my cousin passed away. Out of nowhere. She was 38, married and has 3 kids. She went to the doctor at 10 in the morning or so because she'd been sick for a while and by 3:30 she was gone. She had complications due to pneumonia. Its rare, and seems more like a freak accident. Brent and I are headed to southern California for the funeral, which will hopefully be somewhat healing for us, but mainly for her husband, children, parents, siblings, and friends.

Update

Max will tell you that he fed these cows at the farm. What happened was he picked up some hay and threw it their direction. See how excited he is to be so close to the cows? He's so brave.

The eyebrow update: still not normal, but they're making progress. The five o'clock shadow look is still there. I have done some plucking of them. I don't know if I was doing it to avoid having a uni-brow, or just out of excitement that I had the option to pluck. I have some eyelashes on their way in I think I mentioned before. I tried to put mascara on them, which was ridiculous considering they're like millimeters long. Literally, millimeters. I ended up with black smudge all over the place. For someone who never really liked wearing make-up, I'm sure working hard at getting more on there. The hair on the sides of my head lay down flat most of the time instead of sticking straight out. The hair on top sticks straight up in the air still. Its about 1/4 of an inch long. There is the occasional hair that rockets up to 1/2 an inch. over-achievers. I have leg hair and arm hair growing in. I was told that during radiation the hair on my armpit wouldn't grow. It's growing, and I'm pissed. I was hoping to never have to shave that sucker again. No such luck.

I haven't had any more dizziness. The doctor claims that it wasn't because of the amount of wax in my ear, but I have my doubts. How can that much stuff not cause issues!? I get tired and go to bed about 8 - 8:30, and sleep like a log. Since I don't usually go to bed that early, I would say I have some fatigue. It helps TONS that my Aunt is here. I have more time to play with Max & Cannon, and I have much less to do in the evening which has helped immensely. There is some burning, but its still pretty minimal. The dr. said there's a chance that Monday it could suddenly get bad over night. She has apparently had a couple of instances like that that have "surprised her." I don't feel like a surprising case, so I think I'll be good.

I'm thrilled its Friday! Have a good weekend!!

Eyebrow stubble

Debbie says I have a 5 o'clock shadow on my eyebrows. Its more like a 2 month shadow, but they're on their way to being big kid eyebrows again! Eyelashes you still have to get pretty close to the mirror to see them, but they're on the way as well! One student told me today that they didn't think they could get used to me having hair again. It was also pointed out to me this weekend that if the worst thing I have to complain about is waxy ears and eyebrow stubble, then I'm doing pretty good. Good point!
I have three weeks of radiation left! It has gone by really quickly so far. On Dr. Wednesday I'm going to ask about getting the port out. I'm not excited about more procedures to remove it, but I don't want that sucker in there for any longer than it needs to be. I think they told me that they can take it out in the office. Yikes, that sounds a little frightening since its sewn into a vein, but we'll see! The drains just got yanked in the office after surgery so its possible.
We went to Brent's grandma's dairy farm in Grants Pass this weekend. It was relaxing, and fun to visit. Max & Cannon got to see some cows. Max was afraid of the cows (big shocker). He didn't like the cows looking at him. He kept telling me to look at their eyes. It took Rick a while to coax him to walk in the cow poop too. He didn't want to get his boots yucky. :) Gotta love that kid. Brent stayed home because he had to work one day, so he got some rest too.

Ear Wax

I get dizzy from time to time. Brief, and usually when I'm tired, but some dizziness I started noticing about the middle of January. I don't pay attention to what I'm doing at the time, how often it happens, etc. I just notice that things are a little screwy, and then a few seconds later, everything is good again. The first couple I figured was a chemo thing and my body just dealing with it all. I finally remembered to ask the radiation doc about them, she says ask the chemo doc. I ask chemo doc, she says "that shouldn't be from the chemo anymore, we want you to come in so we can check it out." I panic. I immediately decide I have brain cancer. It has spread to my brain, I'm doing all this crap over again, blah blah blah. Objectively, I know this process of thinking is ridiculous, but I'm living inside my head, not a normal rational head. I called Brent to get myself calmed down, and was fine. Its just a realization that every time I go to the doctor, there's going to be this underlying fear that I have cancer. Good stuff! Apparently my Aunt Linda a long time ago was sure she had leg cancer, but it turns out that since she was pregnant with Josh at the time that he was sitting on her nerve and creating the "cancerous" pain. Apparently this cancer fear that I have also has some genetic background.

I went to the doctor today and she said its nothing to worry about. She listened to the heart, breathing, etc., she checked out my eyes and ears and such, and I'm good. She said its probably my body just dealing with everything, and if it keeps happening to pay closer attention to what's going on when it happens. I haven't had it in like a week or so. While looking in my ears however, she noticed some serious ear wax. Huge amounts of goo came out of my ear today. Huge. I could bottle it and sell it at Halloween. She had this really long Q tip, and dug it out, and ew. Huge. She pulls out one chunk of goo and its about the size of a large ant. I'm disgusted and disturbed, and a little impressed, so she throws that away, and looks in my ear again only to find that there is another chunk of goo equal in size to the first. You would think that I was deaf in that ear, I don't know how I heard anything with that in there. Impressive. Apparently this happens from time to time with chemo patients. Ear wax is also a side effect of chemo. Weird.

Aunt Linda has been here since Tuesday night, and is heading home tomorrow. We have been incredibly spoiled. She has the little dudes bathed and ready to eat when I get home, my laundry was folded today, and the house smells good because dinner is ready. She's the best housewife ever. A little crazy, but in a fun way. :) She was on a mission to potty train Max, so she brought Mr. Poopy. This is a doll that is about three feet long and made of brown fleece. She made him. He is full of toys so when you go to the bathroom, you get a toy. The toy only comes after the song and the dance. See, crazy, but a fun crazy. :) So far Max isn't buying it. Linda has a toy, I have 2 toys, and Brent has a toy. Max doesn't care, he points them out and doesn't even try to play with them. No jealousy, nothing. Yesterday I asked him if he would like to use the potty so he could have a toy and he said "no Mommy, I have enough toys." Seriously!? Don't give me crap about my diaper wearing son when he's 10 years old or older, we have officially tried it all...

I have been feeling really good. Its easy to make it through the day when I have this much help around. Between my mom and Linda, when Brent and I have to do all the work around here again, its going to be really exhausting. :) I have a little bit of burn, but not bad. Some clothes are becoming more comfortable than others, and I go to bed pretty early, but overall its pretty easy. Have a good weekend! Oh, and I tried to take a picture of my eyebrow, but I couldn't get it to work. I was cracking up trying to get the right angle and I found myself smiling for a picture of my eyebrow, but the camera won't focus on my eyebrow that close. At some angles the flash just reflects off my head. ha ha I do have eyebrow stubble though, so there's progress...

Emu Oil

Here's that pic of Cannon walking. He rocks, and he has a Bob Marley shirt from Uncle Amos. What's cooler than that?

Week three is done, nearing halfway!! I'm starting to burn I think. I can feel some pain under my left arm, but its not bad. I had someone tell me the other day that when they had radiation, they used emu oil on their skin and they didn't burn. Interesting... The thing is, everyone's radiation is different. Part of mine is aimed at lymph nodes right under the skin, so more likely to burn. I have people telling me that if I slather lotion on of this sort or that sort then I won't burn. Ok, I'm willing to try it all, but I'm thinking if the dr. says I will burn, its probably going to happen. Emu oil? I don't know... And what is emu oil anyway? What part of the emu is "oil" coming from? Do I want to know? Cannon has drool and some really sweet snot that could be called "oil."

I definitely hit an energy wall about 7-8 depending on the day. Tonight I feel pretty good, but Tuesday I fell asleep sitting up on the couch about 7. My mom being here this week was great for Brent and I. I was exhausted from all of this zapping, and Brent just started working 10+ hour days, so he wasn't full of energy either.

I have hair on my head growing at a steady pace, there are even a few brown hairs. They are very few, but they're there. I have had more conversations about my hair in the last week then I think I've ever had in my life. Probably most of them are initiated by me, I would like to go back to blending into the crowd. I mainly would like my eyebrows and lashes back, as I've mentioned numerous times before. I lost an eyelash today, just fell out, no reason. I'm down to like 4 on that side. My left eyebrow literally has like 5-6 hairs. Total. Countable eyebrow hair that's what I have. The right side has a few more, I'm not going to count them because I can then believe that there are still too many to count. Seriously though, go find a mirror and look in the mirror at an eyebrow. Pick out five hairs that you like, and imagine what it would look like if you pulled all the rest. Again, I don't base a lot on appearance, and there are way better things to complain about than eyebrow hair, but its consuming my thoughts today. Then I look at Carolyn (Brent's cousin) on her blog and she has a picture of herself at 20 weeks pregnant. She's beautiful, wearing her own jeans, has eyebrows, I'm totally jealous. Not of the pregnant part, I hated being pregnant, but the rest of it. :) I'm shallow.

Sorry about the venting, it sounds like I had a bad day, but I really didn't, the complaining was amongst laughter. I'm thrilled to have the weekend with the cute little guys. They're just awesome and getting big amazingly fast. The weeks fly by with them around. Its surprising that week 3 is done.

Oh and DeAnn, still on puzzle #3. The rest of it is all one color so everyone else has quit. Its up to me, I'm not scared.

Cannon the WALKING one year old!

I had to add that sweet picture of my brother in the Mo's People shirt. He didn't seem to want us to have a picture of him wearing it, so after much persuasion, this is what we got. He said he decided not to send the one of him with the speedo and the shirt tied to the side. That kid makes me laugh.
There was a woman singing in the waiting room at radiation last week. One woman, her guitar with a music stand, and the robed radiation patients. At first I thought it was nice that it was something different. However, as I sat there, I didn't know if I should look at her, keep doing the puzzle, sing along or just bust out dancing. At one point it was just me and her, everyone else was being radiated, so it was just me. It was really awkward. She then asked for requests. I told her anything was great, and that she had a lovely voice. Lovely voice, does that sound like something I would say? I'm an idiot. Anyway, Mary & I are back to puzzle #3, no singing, much better.
We had a party for Cannon Saturday because he turned one!! I guess I have to stop calling him baby Cannon. I can't believe he's one already. I went through the guilt of "I missed his whole year because I was sick" thing and am now to "he got to have more time with his grandparents." Objectively, I know I didn't miss a whole year, I know I shouldn't feel guilt, etc, but guilt is what I do.
Cannon also walked for the first time Saturday! He cruised across the living room floor to applause and cheers from Brent, Rick, Debbie, Amos, and I. It was awesome. He was laughing and loving it. The more excited we looked as he was coming at us, the more he would laugh. Brent got some pictures, so I'll get those on here soon. Lauren suggested I take a video and put it on here, so if I can get him to do it again with video, I'll give it a shot.
I'm pretty excited that I have this month, which is the shortest month, then just a week and a day and I'm done with this part of the process. My mom is here this week to help out, which is awesome considering Brent started his busy season, and I need to sleep once in a while. My Aunt Linda is going to start coming a couple of days a week next week to help out too. Having her around will help out massively, Brent and I can get a little bit of time to chill out and relax, or sleep. Plus, Max is excited that Aunt Linda is coming. She makes chicken nuggets with goldfish crackers that have been deemed "Linda's chicken nuggets." Its always fun to have Aunt Linda around, you never quite know what's going to happen.