I'm convinced that mom guilt is the strongest force in the universe. When Max was still a baby I remember telling my mom that I felt guilty over something. (I don't even remember what it is now), and she just said "yeah, that guilt doesn't go away... ever." So true! I feel guilt that I work all day and don't see Max and Cannon. At some point during the summer I will feel guilt that the only person they get to see for most of the day is me, and they're not getting enough social interaction. On the outside looking in, I know its absurd and ridiculous, but I live inside my head, not outside.
When I talked to the social worker after radiation one day she was just talking introductory type stuff. She said "your kids are never going to forget who mom is." I immediately started crying. I hate crying in front of people, but I couldn't control it, and I was totally unprepared for that reaction. Someday when Max and Cannon are teenagers, don't ever tell them I have this incredible guilt going, they'll be able to get away with anything. "Mom, remember how you didn't nurture me enough when I was a baby!? Buy me a car!" Done, convertible ok?
We painted this weekend. We are on yellow/gold color #2,and its looking good. I didn't spend every waking minute with my children when I hardly get to see them during the week. I feel guilt over painting a bedroom. Wow, mom guilt, serious stuff.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Little Dudes
So I don't know if you want to hear from me anymore or not, but I figure if you don't, then don't type in the web address. :) I thought I'd post some pictures of the little guys for the friends and family far away.
The other day before school I was trying to get Max's shoes on to leave. Cannon wanted to be held and anything else made him run screaming from the room. I sat down, put Max on my lap to put on his shoes, and it apparently pushed Cannon over the edge and he just slapped Max in the face. Usually when he's biting or hitting (we're working on it, I swear), he does it more discreetly. So, because of this behavior, I don't really blame Max when he doesn't want to hang out with Cannon. I offered the two of them candy to get them to be nice to each other in this picture. Max's version of being nice was to pet Cannon's head. Whatever, it'll work.
We try to read to the little dudes at least before they go to bed. Max loves books, Cannon is constant motion. He tends to roam the room while books are being read. He sometimes looks at the book, tries to put his feet in the way, tries to hold the book, tries to block Max from seeing the book, seriously never stops moving. How do little brothers just have that innate ability to frustrate their siblings!?
Cannon insists on doing everything himself, especially if Max is doing it too. I know this is a good thing that he is becoming more independent, but can be frustrating when I have a certain time to get to work. He ate yogurt all by himself, and was so proud. He walks belly-out everywhere he goes, so the mess has extra emphasis. We've started calling him pig-pen.
This is both Max & Cannon saying "cheese." They didn't require a candy bribe for this one, but just before this picture, they were fighting over the space on my lap.
The other day before school I was trying to get Max's shoes on to leave. Cannon wanted to be held and anything else made him run screaming from the room. I sat down, put Max on my lap to put on his shoes, and it apparently pushed Cannon over the edge and he just slapped Max in the face. Usually when he's biting or hitting (we're working on it, I swear), he does it more discreetly. So, because of this behavior, I don't really blame Max when he doesn't want to hang out with Cannon. I offered the two of them candy to get them to be nice to each other in this picture. Max's version of being nice was to pet Cannon's head. Whatever, it'll work.
We try to read to the little dudes at least before they go to bed. Max loves books, Cannon is constant motion. He tends to roam the room while books are being read. He sometimes looks at the book, tries to put his feet in the way, tries to hold the book, tries to block Max from seeing the book, seriously never stops moving. How do little brothers just have that innate ability to frustrate their siblings!?
Cannon insists on doing everything himself, especially if Max is doing it too. I know this is a good thing that he is becoming more independent, but can be frustrating when I have a certain time to get to work. He ate yogurt all by himself, and was so proud. He walks belly-out everywhere he goes, so the mess has extra emphasis. We've started calling him pig-pen.
This is both Max & Cannon saying "cheese." They didn't require a candy bribe for this one, but just before this picture, they were fighting over the space on my lap.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Regular
My mom mentioned that I should put on here that my scans came back "regular." The CT scan showed a blood clot in an ovarian vein. Dr. Lee says its not normal, but its nothing to worry about. She actually said its just weird. If its still there for the next scan, then we might do a sonogram to check it out. For the bone scan they called yesterday to tell me its normal. Every time a doctor calls my phone, my heart beats a bit faster. I pay attention to where I am and who's around in case its bad news and I need to run somewhere and hide. The next scans I think I'll pick a different hospital in the area where the IV may not be such a process. I'm hoping it isn't that much of a production every time I need an injection or a blood draw. Not cool, but not the end of the world.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Scans
What a cute kid in the grass!! What a huge head he has!! He's still in the 99th percentile for head size. The kid's a genius!
I had a bone scan and a CT scan yesterday. I again got to drink the "berry flavored smoothie" that tastes like rotten lemonade and old milk. My stomach loved it. They have to inject you with some radioactive stuff, so it involves some needles. The lady that was there to inject me had a nervous twitch, and had one eye that didn't open all the way. Um, really? She's going to come at me with needles? Great. I talked to her as calmly as possible. I tried to reassure her when she was apologizing for missing the vein, and trying to push the needle in farther. Apparently the veins on my right arm are difficult to deal with. Finally she surrendered and we brought in woman #2 who stabbed my hand and we're good.
I find out the results in the next day or so. I'm not really too worried about it which surprises me. I'm pretty confident that its all fine, maybe its me being naive, but whatever!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Hair
I think my hair is about an inch long. I have a student who shaved (buzzed) his hair after mine started growing back. He claims he didn't shave it for me, but I told him anyone that shaved their head in the last few months must have done it out of support for me. :) Anyway, he had great hair, like Pantene commercial, blowing in the breeze hair. His is longer than mine now, and halfway down his forehead already. I'm jealous, his hair is annhilating my hair! Total crap.
On the other end, my dad cut his hair. All of it. Its back to short and above his ears. He's also clean-shaven which he does from time to time. He was really afraid that Max & Cannon weren't going to recognize him. Max noticed and forgot in about 2 minutes, and I don't know that Cannon even noticed. His hair hasn't been this short in at least 10-12 years. It takes some getting used to! It used to kind of bother me that people didn't recognize me when I didn't have hair, or even now with minimal hair. I'm finally realizing that people weren't not recognizing me because I had cancer, it was just like a dramatic hair cut, it throws you off at first. :)
The rest of the fam is doing well. Max & Cannon are in need of haircuts. Max let a woman in Tillamook cut his hair awhile ago. He won't let me do it, plus I suck at it. We may have to make another trip to the coast just for a 3 year old haircut. No, they're not spoiled, I swear.
On the other end, my dad cut his hair. All of it. Its back to short and above his ears. He's also clean-shaven which he does from time to time. He was really afraid that Max & Cannon weren't going to recognize him. Max noticed and forgot in about 2 minutes, and I don't know that Cannon even noticed. His hair hasn't been this short in at least 10-12 years. It takes some getting used to! It used to kind of bother me that people didn't recognize me when I didn't have hair, or even now with minimal hair. I'm finally realizing that people weren't not recognizing me because I had cancer, it was just like a dramatic hair cut, it throws you off at first. :)
The rest of the fam is doing well. Max & Cannon are in need of haircuts. Max let a woman in Tillamook cut his hair awhile ago. He won't let me do it, plus I suck at it. We may have to make another trip to the coast just for a 3 year old haircut. No, they're not spoiled, I swear.
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