Running in the sunshine might be the greatest thing ever. I finally felt good enough for exercise today. It was slow and somewhat painful and absolutely beautiful. As I was about to head up the giant hill back home, a friend of mine drove past. She was in a white car in the passenger seat with the window down. Picture a tall long haired blonde woman with sunglasses on, the sun on her face. Her arm was fully extended out the window with a huge thumbs up and a smile directed at me.
Sometimes I picture lives as a movie. As snapshots of moments of lives I guess. Like if there was a movie of my life, then at the end they would show these moments in my life that sort of sum it up, and it would all be set to some really cheesy music. Everyone would cry at how touching it was, and would smile at the same time. Which moments of my life would be chosen totally depends on the mood that I'm in. This moment of my friend in the car should have been one of her moments.
As I then headed up the giant hill to my house I started thinking about beauty. That moment was beautiful. When I watch my friend Jesse in all of her confidence I see such beauty. I see my mom playing with a superhero mask on her face with my kids and its beautiful. We get so caught up sometimes in seeing the beauty in others we easily forget to see our own. Or we try to emulate them rather than be who we are. Is it just my personality and my genetic makeup that sees someone else and thinks "I should do that?" Instead of thinking "good for them" my brain goes to "I should do it too."
I see my sister in law Jenn who never physically stops moving unless she's on a boat on a lake. She's playing, she's planning, she's cleaning, she's running just a little bit farther, she's… just… always… going. I see my other sister in law Sam who is tall blonde and "the hot one" in my wedding pictures. She's always so stylish, she's great with kids, she's all sorts of craftily talented. My cousin Amy is always super thoughtful about remembering birthdays, sending gifts, listening to what you really want. I'm surrounded by so many inspirational amazing people. I think I have tried to be like each one of them one way or another. It's absolutely exhausting. I don't really want to clean all the time, I don't want to care what I look like all the time, I am learning to be thrilled with who I am and be thrilled that they are who they are. Why should we all have the same strengths? That's just boring.
I had run 3.6 miles today when I hit the bottom of my hill. If I was running with Jenn & Sam they would have insisted we make it up the hill and we run exactly 4 miles, or we would have gone an additional mile so it was an even 5. I thought about it. "Sam and Jenn would keep going, I should just run." Why is it my human nature to focus on the .4 that I didn't run rather than the 3.6 that I did? I got home and thought "I should play with the kids," even though I really want to write.
I think I have finally gotten to a point where I recognize that I can appreciate what other people are like without a need to have to do it too. I catch myself and think "screw it, do whatever the hell you want to do." Does this mean I'm maturing!? Yikes.
I walked up the hill and sang out loud with my headphones on. I walked across the field to my house in the sun and sat down on the porch to write. I hope my end of life slideshow has me singing out loud in the sunshine.
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