Uh-oh, she's exploding!

I have a temper.
A big one.
I'm not proud of it, it's embarrassing.

When Brent and I first started dating, my friends told him I had the potential for exploding anger. He didn't believe them, so he decided to pick a fight with me to really see what he was in for. The argument wasn't that big of a deal until he told me why he started it. As the story goes, that's when I really showed off the temper.

I honestly try to keep it under control, and I'm honestly embarrassed when I calm down and become normal again, and I try to make my apologies. Brent doesn't argue with me anymore, he just walks away and waits for the normal to come back. He's so mature, right!? How do people do that!? Man I wish I had that!

I think I've been a little on edge lately. We are tearing down the fireplace structure, and it's kind of a mess. Not a big deal, but a little out of whack. I have a scan coming up on March 9th. I haven't really thought much about this business, but the thoughts are creeping back in. I had a student ask me about my tumor today. I had another student tell me I was causing him to learn less and my methods were off, and I had a parent tell me that I was teaching "the math backwards, you're doing it all wrong."

Each of these things individually not a big deal. All of them cursing around in my brain is like a ticking time bomb! I did have a rather heated discussion with the student who argued with me, I'll have to find him tomorrow and "rephrase my plan."  I did, however, keep my mouth shut with the parent, smiled and said thank you, and left. Pretty good right!?

My face still turned purple from anger, but I held it in.

Every time I read about stress related illness I think about these moments. Ugh… I'm trying I swear!

Being an adult is hard.

How are you?

I have had a few people lately ask me how I'm doing, or tell me they miss "the blog." I kind of do too. I like writing and venting stuff even if nobody reads it… It seems to be healing. I sometimes write when I'm grasping for answers, or needing support. I haven't had to write for those reasons in a long time and for that I'm am grateful. I have had some ups and downs, and there will continue to be. For the most part though, everything is awesome (me and the Lego movie).

I still find myself visiting encouraging websites when I'm feeling down or freaked out. I can't tell you how many times I have googled "cancer survivors" because I need as many of those stories as I can possibly get. The really exciting part of that is I find more and more of them when I look. You have to look for them though. Cancer deaths are much easier statistics to find. I read somewhere that when you criticize someone they then need three positive things to attempt to balance out the negative. Human nature is really good at focusing on the negative. I like to find the positives to counter balance the negatives.

I over analyze everything anyone says ever. When anyone asks me "how are you?" I instantly wonder what they mean.

Are they just making conversation? (probably)
Do they want to know just a generic answer? (more than likely)
Do they want an entire medical rundown? (who would?)
Are they just asking about my overall sanity and stress level?
Do they even know that I have this cancer business? Should I tell them?

 I have more than once offered too much of an honest answer. Since you know me and my level of brutal honesty this won't surprise you. As soon as the word cancer comes up, for some people it's an automatic pity look on their face. Sometimes they even cry. I realize this is out of love for me, and I appreciate it at that level, but I'm not dying. I'm right here in front of you just being a regular person. The word cancer is so terrifying because it is associated with so much death and suffering. It is also associated with a whole lot of success and survivor stories. I surround myself with people that know I'm going to be just fine. Maybe that's just me being foolishly optimistic. How can anyone read any statistics and honestly believe they're ok? I don't know. I just do. For this reason, I give an automatic "I'm good!" answer. I don't want pity and I don't want tears. Brent always says the pity reactions are  "just because they don't understand." I get that and I know he's right. I just prefer to surround myself with people who do understand. I want my friends and family to ask how I'm doing, and I want to talk to them about it. I love that, but I want you to know that even if I'm stressed or freaked out. I'm ok and I'm going to continue to be ok.

I promise to let you know when I need tears and support.

For now, I have another scan in early March, regular stuff. Blood work every so often, pill everyday where I feel zero side effects. Everything is awesome.