Ok, no Good Morning America. They never called, as Jerrad says, we're old news. :) Good thing, I would have watched myself and felt like a jack ass, so I'm good in my own little world.
It still seems a little weird that I don't have another chemo in a week or so. I am used to it I guess. What a sad thing to get used to. I have this new norm of feeling good for about a week, or less, and then feeling like crap again. Today I was thinking I'd go for a run, which usually is followed by a thought like "that seems pointless, you're just going to feel like crap again." But I get to feel good for a while. Weird. (I still didn't go for a run) :)
I have realized that this cancer business is never going to go away. Ok, the cancer cells have gone, but the word is always going to be here. I for some reason thought that once the chemo was done, that it would be easier, that I wouldn't think about it all the time, it wouldn't consume me. As soon as there is a lull, thoughts of recurrence and fear just sink in. I'm sure it won't always be that way, but I wonder how long until I can think about something else. I think Brent's tired of having cancer conversations. I'm tired of having cancer conversations. I'm tired of being defined as the girl that has cancer. I talked to a survivor the other day and she said it took her 2 years until she didn't think about it constantly. Really, two years!? Ugh. I will seek professional help if it hangs on that long.
I'm slowly learning more about tamoxifen. It can cause some more menopause like symptoms, fabulous. It can put me into menopause, very fabulous. It can cause some depression, it can cause weight gain, etc etc. These things seem minor when you compare them to having cancer and dying, but good God, one more side effect just sucks.
I feel good today and I'm excited to keep feeling better. I'm excited to have hair, and I haven't cried today. Look out world, things are looking up.
3 comments:
You are recovering just the way you are supposed to, one day at a time! your friend is right, it does get easier! I only "flip" out now when Donna has her mammograms! Other than that I live life as "normal" as Bob can! We can be debated by many "Is he normal" !
Tomorrow will be better than today, etc! Mazel Tov!
Well Mo, I can help you with an insight to "hot-flashes" I hate knowing all about that...but such is life huh--know I can help you! It does take time, our pastors wife got a call from her Dr. the other day that she had a lump again--it had been 16 years since she had breast cancer...but it was just a lump and nothing to it, but she was scared(she said all of the memories came back for a moment..and then she remembered that she was a SURVIVOR). So it is a scary word "cancer" ..it still is hard with Mom being gone, but somehow now you are wiser and can handle so much more than you ever thought! I can't wait for you to be able to go for a run everyday and feel "normal" again...remember though that "normal" changes ( I hate this reality stuff!)
You are such an inspiration Mo, and what a following of people you have! Give big hugs to yourself and your family! Congrats, Congrats, Congrats!
Love Rachel
I LOVE MY WONDERFUL NEICE. MO, YOUR SUCH AN INSPERATION TO SO MANY PEOPLE. AND IF TEACHING DOESN'T WORK OUT ANYMORE....YOU NEED TO BE AN AUTHOR! YOUR BLOGS ARE SO FUNNY AND INFORMATIVE! MAX AND CANNON ARE SO CUTE! YOU AND BRENT MAKE BEAUTIFUL BABIES. JAKE SAYS HELLO. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND I THINK OF YOU EVERYDAY. YOUR MOM KEEPS ME POSTED ALSO CUZ, I'M A COMPUTER NERD. LOVE AND KISSES TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. AUNT TERRI
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