Thoughts that go...

So here's where I'm living... About 90% of the time I am great, I know I'm fine, I will be fine, all is good. Everyone has emotions that fluctuate whether there is stress in your life or not, right? Maybe that 90%, is a little lower, maybe 80%? There are times when I can feel myself start to go down the scary road. I know it's normal. I know human nature needs something to stress about, so of course when my emotions need an outlet, that's where we go.

The upswings are great, literally no fear of the future, I just enjoy the moment. I know in my heart I will be 90 years old, I know that medical advances are being made as we speak, new drugs, new methods, new stuff is happening all the time. Even if my drugs don't work forever by the time they wear off there will be another one to try. There are still bumps out there, but we can do it.

The downswings are tougher. It's not very often, and I can usually attribute it to not eating well, not sleeping well, or just a normal down in the roller coaster of emotions. This part of the menopause worries me. I feel like downswings are more likely. It is somewhat entertaining to explore where the brain goes in these times. Last night I was tired and didn't eat very well all weekend. I coughed once, and immediately I thought "is that the spot!? Am I feeling it? Does it hurt?" I then of course focused on my lung and was convinced it was growing and I was coughing because of it. Today for the record, there is no feeling/pain/cough in my lung. Finn, my dog, was following me around the house last night too. She's a lab, of course she's following me. However, in my rational state I thought "dogs can sense things, can she sense that I'm getting sick? Can she sense that something is in there!? Do I have the wonder cancer sniffing dog!?" Really Melissa? That's the thought process? That this dog that eats camp chairs can sense cancer. Yeah, good call!

Things that help in the downswings:
1. Max & Cannon. They are hilarious and kind and obnoxious all at the same time. They always make me feel like a normal mom. How can anything be that severe when Cannon has constant peanut butter and jelly on his face, and Max is dancing to "Bubble Butt." (Totally inappropriate song, don't let your kids listen to it, they've only heard the first 30 seconds).
2. Brent. I know it freaks him out when I get stressed, but he hides it and let's me do my thing. He doesn't try to point out the irrationality of a cancer sniffing dog, he just rolls with it. He pours me a glass of wine and waits for me to reel myself back in, or he finds some way to make me laugh.
3. My parents. They're really good at bringing me back to rational. They make me feel like I'm in control of the goings-on
4. Support. I read and re-read cards and letters from friends and family.
5. Stories and books about survivors. I seek these out as soon as I feel that lump in my stomach. I search the internet (carefully) for people that have had scary diagnoses and are doing great. I read their stories and follow their links to other stories. I just received a book from a friend of another survivor of 10 years. (The first thing I do is calculate the number of years since they've been diagnosed) There are plenty of people that have told their stories or are writing about their victories, and I know there are even more that haven't written about it. There are tons of them out there. It almost makes you feel like it's not all that remarkable. Surviving cancer is just a normal thing. Perfect.

Something else we all need to remember. People (myself included) are more likely to write about the bad stuff. It's an outlet and it feels good to vent it all out, or to seek out someone else in the same boat. If I seek out "side effects of arimidex" I will find all sorts of negatives. There aren't very many people that say they have none. I know they're out there, but it's nothing to have to write about. It's not a problem to have to solve, they're just living and doing great. This is not the end of the world. It's something people have been through/are going through and they are thriving. I'm just another one of them.

Finn just started growling at something outside. There's nothing there. Perhaps there's a cancer cell floating on air...

If you have stories of others that are doing great, I'd love to hear them.