On a surface level I see that it's not my fault. Cancer is everywhere and it seems like everyone will get it at some point or another, so it cannot possibly be my fault that this is happening. All organic vegetarian yoga instructors end up with cancer, so blaming my diet seems foolish on some level, but... I still want to have a reason.
You would be amazed (and probably entertained) at the number of ways I have attempted to find cause for this.
Stress... my job is wonderful and I love it, but holy cow stressful. I can feel myself in "go mode" (my friend Jesse calls it "business Mo") throughout my day, shoulders up, leaning forward as I'm storming down the hallway on a mission. Sometimes the loud clank of my big kid shoes with heels makes my ears literally hear my stress, and I finally slow down. My headaches used to be somewhat stress related, so I have tried to notice when I'm in "go mode" and take a breath and relax, literally rest my shoulders down, and regain perspective on things. Certainly if I was better at this I wouldn't have had cancer come back.
Diet... I enjoy having a beer or margarita in the evenings, I used to eat Mac & Cheese like it was going out of style (ah, the college days), and I have a caffeine addiction that comes with sugary creamer. If I had eaten better, my immune system would have been stronger, and would have been less susceptible to cancer returning, or even showing up in the first place. Everything I eat throughout my day I now think about how it will affect my body. Will I lose/gain energy, will I get a headache, will I get nauseous, will it make my immune system angry... etc. I haven't had alcohol in about a month, I have coffee, but the creamer I have has fewer ingredients and I can pronounce all of them, and mac & cheese hasn't been in my cupboard in years. Realistically, I am not the only person that has these things in their day to day diet, and some of them don't have cancer. For some reason my body doesn't process these things well?
Guilt...Directly related to stress, I feel guilt for lots of stuff. I don't sit in a corner and rock back and forth feeling responsible for the world's issues, but I do feel some level of guilt for some fairly ridiculous things. I feel guilty about having cancer because it makes the people I love sad. (That's a biggie) I feel guilt over not being the perfect mother, wife, teacher, citizen, whatever. It's not intense 'what have I done' type guilt, but it's in there somewhere. Again, I know it's foolish, but it's in there. Sometimes I feel guilt because others have so many worse scenarios... people lose their kids to this nastiness, how can I have a "poor me" attitude when it could be sooo much worse?
I did something wrong or cruel to someone in the past and this is the universe's revenge for what I did. Yup, that one is my favorite because it's probably the least likely, but some days it seems all sorts of rational.
One book I read talked about cancer being a physical form of resentment. I spent some serious time trying to figure out where in my life I felt resentment. Yeah... I can't find it. I think I've let this one go finally.
Everyone grows and matures in their own way, and as I'm being forced to grow through this process I am slowly understanding that I haven't done anything to cause this. My mom tells me over and over again that it's not my fault. I know she's right, but somewhere deep inside I have not been able to fully believe it. I'm getting closer though. I can feel my brain releasing that idea that I have created this situation. It feels lighter which is nice. There are some nice things about all of this. I am reminded to really enjoy each moment, and I get to know exactly how loved I am by those around me. Growing and maturing... that's me. Hee hee.
For the record, I am not writing this in an attempt to have added responses of "it's not your fault." Nor am I writing this to make you think I need counseling. Well, I think we probably all do on some level.
Diet... I enjoy having a beer or margarita in the evenings, I used to eat Mac & Cheese like it was going out of style (ah, the college days), and I have a caffeine addiction that comes with sugary creamer. If I had eaten better, my immune system would have been stronger, and would have been less susceptible to cancer returning, or even showing up in the first place. Everything I eat throughout my day I now think about how it will affect my body. Will I lose/gain energy, will I get a headache, will I get nauseous, will it make my immune system angry... etc. I haven't had alcohol in about a month, I have coffee, but the creamer I have has fewer ingredients and I can pronounce all of them, and mac & cheese hasn't been in my cupboard in years. Realistically, I am not the only person that has these things in their day to day diet, and some of them don't have cancer. For some reason my body doesn't process these things well?
Guilt...Directly related to stress, I feel guilt for lots of stuff. I don't sit in a corner and rock back and forth feeling responsible for the world's issues, but I do feel some level of guilt for some fairly ridiculous things. I feel guilty about having cancer because it makes the people I love sad. (That's a biggie) I feel guilt over not being the perfect mother, wife, teacher, citizen, whatever. It's not intense 'what have I done' type guilt, but it's in there somewhere. Again, I know it's foolish, but it's in there. Sometimes I feel guilt because others have so many worse scenarios... people lose their kids to this nastiness, how can I have a "poor me" attitude when it could be sooo much worse?
I did something wrong or cruel to someone in the past and this is the universe's revenge for what I did. Yup, that one is my favorite because it's probably the least likely, but some days it seems all sorts of rational.
One book I read talked about cancer being a physical form of resentment. I spent some serious time trying to figure out where in my life I felt resentment. Yeah... I can't find it. I think I've let this one go finally.
Everyone grows and matures in their own way, and as I'm being forced to grow through this process I am slowly understanding that I haven't done anything to cause this. My mom tells me over and over again that it's not my fault. I know she's right, but somewhere deep inside I have not been able to fully believe it. I'm getting closer though. I can feel my brain releasing that idea that I have created this situation. It feels lighter which is nice. There are some nice things about all of this. I am reminded to really enjoy each moment, and I get to know exactly how loved I am by those around me. Growing and maturing... that's me. Hee hee.
For the record, I am not writing this in an attempt to have added responses of "it's not your fault." Nor am I writing this to make you think I need counseling. Well, I think we probably all do on some level.
2 comments:
Boy do those thoughts and sentiments ring a bell here! "Been there done that"! If you find an answer email me! WE don't know why either! ???? WE came up with genetics, as Donna's family has a lot of the cancer Gene! Who knows! I just know that life got real precious after having to deal with cancer twice with Donna! Yes Real precious! Your expressions helped me today>>>Thank you!
This post pulls your mother in to finally figure out my login so you get my comments. First tho, Bob, you are an angel! I thoroughly enjoy your comments. Thank you.
My answer to your question is that you are the ultimate teacher. Your voice makes people think, cry, laugh and learn to appreciate their life. You speak honestly and openly about what cancer does to you emotionally as much as physically. There are many cancer spokespeople, but your HUGE circle hears you and loves you. I won't go on and on:) (more anyway), but keep teaching us how to live and know we love loving you!
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