Lessons from my dog

This is Finn McKlumph, named after Finn McMissile in the Cars 2 movie. She is also known as train wreck, or Finny Marie if you're my Aunt Linda. Here is her signature modest sleeping pose. She's a lab and hilariously awesome, and probably obnoxious if you don't know and love her. Watching her in panting action tonight I'm totally entertained and taking lessons.

Lesson #1. Live in the moment!! Cancer? What's cancer? What happened yesterday? What happened five minutes ago? Hey look! It's a ball!!!

Lesson #2. Exercise and play everyday. We get to play!!?? YES!!! Chase the ball, retrieve the ball, chase it again, retrieve it again… repeat until you throw up.

Lesson #3. Make sure the people you love know you love them. My people are home! Wheee!! Make sure I am touching one of them at all times every second of the day. If they try to leave look as pitiful as possible.

Lesson #4. All of us need hugs. Pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me!

Lesson #5. Brush your teeth, man doggy breath is disgusting.

PS

Oh yeah… health wise… I have blood work that has been rescheduled for this next Thursday. My stress overload is decreasing. My cold sore is nearly gone, my headache is gone, my acne is backing off and my kidney stone hasn't been felt in days. I got a massage yesterday, the sun is out and I exercised. My blood pressure was pretty high on Friday, so it was a good reality check to chill out and not get caught up in the stress. My whole system was pissed and screaming at me, so I think I finally got the message. :) I'm working my way back down from the rafters.

Running and Rambling

Running in the sunshine might be the greatest thing ever. I finally felt good enough for exercise today. It was slow and somewhat painful and absolutely beautiful. As I was about to head up the giant hill back home, a friend of mine drove past. She was in a white car in the passenger seat with the window down. Picture a tall long haired blonde woman with sunglasses on, the sun on her face. Her arm was fully extended out the window with a huge thumbs up and a smile directed at me.

Sometimes I picture lives as a movie. As snapshots of moments of lives I guess. Like if there was a movie of my life, then at the end they would show these moments in my life that sort of sum it up, and it would all be set to some really cheesy music. Everyone would cry at how touching it was, and would smile at the same time. Which moments of my life would be chosen totally depends on the mood that I'm in. This moment of my friend in the car should have been one of her moments.

As I then headed up the giant hill to my house I started thinking about beauty. That moment was beautiful. When I watch my friend Jesse in all of her confidence I see such beauty. I see my mom playing with a superhero mask on her face with my kids and its beautiful. We get so caught up sometimes in seeing the beauty in others we easily forget to see our own. Or we try to emulate them rather than be who we are. Is it just my personality and my genetic makeup that sees someone else and thinks "I should do that?" Instead of thinking "good for them" my brain goes to "I should do it too."

I see my sister in law Jenn who never physically stops moving unless she's on a boat on a lake. She's playing, she's planning, she's cleaning, she's running just a little bit farther, she's… just… always… going. I see my other sister in law Sam who is tall blonde and "the hot one" in my wedding pictures. She's always so stylish, she's great with kids, she's all sorts of craftily talented. My cousin Amy is always super thoughtful about remembering birthdays, sending gifts, listening to what you really want. I'm surrounded by so many inspirational amazing people. I think I have tried to be like each one of them one way or another. It's absolutely exhausting. I don't really want to clean all the time, I don't want to care what I look like all the time, I am learning to be thrilled with who I am and be thrilled that they are who they are. Why should we all have the same strengths? That's just boring.

I had run 3.6 miles today when I hit the bottom of my hill. If I was running with Jenn & Sam they would have insisted we make it up the hill and we run exactly 4 miles, or we would have gone an additional mile so it was an even 5. I thought about it. "Sam and Jenn would keep going, I should just run." Why is it my human nature to focus on the .4 that I didn't run rather than the 3.6 that I did? I got home and thought "I should play with the kids," even though I really want to write.

I think I have finally gotten to a point where I recognize that I can appreciate what other people are like without a need to have to do it too.  I catch myself and think "screw it, do whatever the hell you want to do." Does this mean I'm maturing!? Yikes.

I walked up the hill and sang out loud with my headphones on. I walked across the field to my house in the sun and sat down on the porch to write. I hope my end of life slideshow has me singing out loud in the sunshine.

Time to vent...

Overall things are great, but I've been pretty frustrated the last couple of weeks. I have had a kidney stone just hanging out in my left kidney for 6 years. It developed during chemo and has just become my little dormant side kick. Well... It's decided to move and shake things up a bit.

People get kidney stones all the time and they vary as far as pain and intensity. Last week I had one night and day that it hurt like a son of a gun. No sleeping, no breaks in the pain... All sorts of fun. Finally it moved or something and I had times of no pain and times of little pain. It's been kind of alternating between it hurts and I forget its there. 

My stress relief is exercise. A kidney stone does not like exercise. This time of year is hectic at school with seniors trying to graduate and kids bouncing off the walls with the sun out, and it's just always stressful for me. I apparently have not been managing my stress well because I had a breakdown yesterday and last night. I feel better sanity wise today, but now there's a headache and some throwing up. I don't think of myself as sickly, but twice in the last 2 weeks I've had to be gone from school which means everybody else has to rework their schedes to bail me out. Irritating. I'm guessing today's sick is my body telling me I need a break. I'm annoyed and saying the f word a lot...

I have bloodwork today at 3 to make sure all the cancer stuff is cruising along. My kidneys don't hurt today. I haven't thrown up in a few hours. Hopefully we've hit the bottom and we're working our way back up.

Everything is Awesome

Super annoying song from the Lego movie (also annoying), but completely true. Things are going great. Brent and I often look around us at our families who are incredible, at our friends who are great, at our kids who are hilariously awesome, and just smile at all we have. 

This scenario sometimes makes me wonder when the ball will drop for something not so awesome, but I'm learning to stay in the moment and not worry about what's out there in the future. It's hard. How you just change your line of thinking is kinda tricky, but I'm working on it. 

Brent wanted to make a bucket list for us the other night. Cool and fun idea, but my brain instantly thought "is this because you think I won't be around very long?" Which is not what he was thinking at all. He just wanted to write stuff down so we wouldn't forget. Changing my thinking... :)

As far as the bucket list is concerned I really don't have much. I would like to travel, but there wasn't much that jumped to the front of my brain. Maybe I'm getting better at being happy in the moment than I thought.

I get today off from work, so as I lay in bed this morning I hear the kids quietly playing in the living room.  They're letting me sleep... that's a pretty nice moment.

Thoughts

I tried to take a picture of myself in the pose of "The Thinker" to add to this post. It didn't work, I even had Max give it a shot. I'm really good at wasting time. Rather than google how I should correctly punctuate "The Thinker" I'll just leave it as is. For those of you that know something about grammar… sorry. I do math.

I found an article in the NY Post today about a new drug to treat cancer. By 'found' I mean I was wasting time on Facebook and read a short blurb someone else had "shared."It basically stated that Stanford had found a drug that showed very promising results to cure all types of cancer. It had been tested in mice on breast, liver, brain, ovarian… etc. AMAZING! Cancer basically keeps growing in your body because your immune system doesn't know it should kill it. It's a tricky little bugger. This drug (in my dumbed down version) blocks that part of the cancer cell so the immune system realizes it's bad news. They received huge amounts of money in grants to now begin testing humans. They briefly mentioned side effects, but it was a minimal mention. I'm sure there are some, I'm sure processes and such will take forever, blah blah blah. BUT IT'S EXCITING!!!!

It also got me to thinking… what if cancer really didn't exist? What would that world even look like? First of all, I'm quite certain that big pharmaceutical companies would make the drug so inaccessible it would be obscene. They need their money, right!? What would oncologists do for a profession? Where would all of that money go? Donated funds to cure cancer, runs and walks and triathlons galore to raise money and awareness for cancer. Pink stuff made for October, ribbon magnets, car stickers, save that tatas shirts, cancer cookbooks, wow there's a lot of stuff out there! What if there was no longer a reason for it!? Its incredible to think about. American Cancer Society, cancer related blogs, Cancer centers of America… what would plastic surgeons start reconstructing without breasts!? Wow. It could save lives, and ruin some too. So many people hurt because of cancer and so many people make their living because of cancer.

I'm ready. Let's end this sucker. Let's use that financial guy's snowball effect for disease. Everybody target one (but I get to pick which one), then once it's cured and eliminated, everybody migrates to the next disease. Yes!? YES! I should totally be in charge of the world...

Scan Results are IN!

Hello cancer? I'm kicking your ass!
Cheesiest picture I could muster:

I went to see Dr. Lee today and the biggest news is that the scan results were good! The small tumors can't even be seen anymore, and the big one went down from 11mm in size to 7mm! Let me repeat… some are GONE and the others are soon to be GONE. Feel free to bust a move, dance whatever dance you feel suits your abilities and personalities best and go for it! I just received a video of a happy dance and it was well… pretty awesome!

Other good news: the results in blood work and the results from the scan are showing the same thing. This is hugely awesome because it means there is a direct correlation between blood work and what's actually happening. The tumor marker is something that is kind of iffy for some people. It can give inaccurate results. In my case, it gives accurate results which is great news. It means that I can keep track of what's going on in my body through some simple blood work without having to do a bunch of other scans and tests. Some people have scan results that show growth, but the blood test doesn't show that, so they get to keep scanning and scanning and scanning. Thankfully I don't have to do that.

I will continue to do blood work every 2 months, but I don't have an appointment with Dr. Lee until September. Six months from now. aaaaaahhhhh….. So nice! We went out to dinner to celebrate, and we're all feeling pretty cocky around here. :)

Wheeeeeee!!!!!
Love you

Down again!!!

Scan results will happen tomorrow at four, but... Numbers are down again!! 37.1 was January, 34.7 is now. Woooo hooooo!!!!

DUN!

Scans are done, blood work is done, now we wait for Thursday afternoon to see how it all looks. I had a really nice sunshiny day. I'm worn out all of a sudden since I was up at 430, so now the worry sets in. It's amazing how much your mood is affected by sleep. Brent's off to get me a milkshake so I should be good to go in no time.

I'll let you know what the Dr says on Thursday!

Scan day!

I'm a little nervous, but pretty relaxed. I'm anxious to know how things are going, but have been able to not think about it constantly. I'm currently sitting in the waiting room grading papers. I'll head for blood work from here. I can hear some construction sounds going on around the corner. I'm really glad I saw the workers on the way in. If I had heard sounds of saws and drills and thought they were medical sounds I'd be a little freaked.

Little excited

I'm starting to get excited about my scan on Tuesday in some way. It could be the pedicure I have planned for later in the day, but whatever works. I'm anxious to see how things are going. I won't have the results until Thursday, so keep thinking tumor shrinking thoughts. 

I read an article somewhere written by an oncologist. He was talking about common themes he sees for his patients who are doing well. He talked about his patients with a strong support group and how much of a difference that can make. Duh! I have the biggest support group ever, so proportionally I should fare the best, right!? :)

The article also said patients that don't really know what's going on seem to do well also. This made me laugh. He described one patient who was in the chemo chair talking on the phone and said "I don't know what it is, lymphoma something?" (It was leukemia) I'm not that clueless, but I feel like he was saying those patients that are bogged down in stress and constantly thinking about it have a rougher go. Interesting article.

I'll keep you posted Thursday on results. Until then here's one of my support group. He's kiss ready :)

Just be...

I would like to find a way sometimes for my brain to hear the message of "just be." Maybe it's a female thing, but man am I an over analyzer! I tell myself to chill out, stop thinking about it all the time. Enjoy your surroundings, see the flowers, hear the kids laughing, just be. I swear my brain is not a good listener. 

I had a glass of wine tonight but before I did, my brain had to debate for a bit. "Your immune system needs to be healthy, the naturopath doc said cut out all wine..." Then we move to the other side... "But if it relaxes me isn't that good? What can one glass hurt?" I finally land on "good Lord! Shut up! Really!? A glass of wine has to create this much of a deal!? Sit your butt on the couch, know you have a good plan for kicking some cancer ass, drink your wine and JUST BE."

The wine was good.

Just stuff

I posted last in early January after the blood work. Jolee is the lady that runs the high school where I work, and after I gave her a high five she said she'd have to wait another month before another blog was out to read. I thought "I should write more often." Several times throughout the last month I've thought I should put something on here, but what I would post I never really narrowed down. On one hand I like venting out random thoughts and getting it all out. I seem to like this writing for all to see thing. Which is really odd, because I hated writing things in school especially if I knew someone else would read it. Humiliation galore…

On the other hand, it seems to be a cancer-y blog and sometimes I'm tired of talking about it, and I wonder if others are tired of reading about it. There are all sorts of things that are on my mind cancer and non-cancer related, but there are so many other bigger things happening in the world it seems somewhat selfish.

For the six weeks or so, life has been progressing as normal. Normal for my family looks like this…

In sweats and pjs on the couch, the mustaches are optional. (My favorite expression is Cannon… who does he think he is, Groucho Marx?) We laugh, we cry, we play, we fight, we work. We have ups and downs that are both cancer and non cancer related. Sometimes when Brent and I argue about something  I think it's a good sign of normal behavior. (If you are claiming you don't really fight then you're either lying or you're not normal… your choice).

I have been thinking about death a lot lately. It's not consuming my thoughts or anything, most of my thoughts are focused on living. It sounds morbid and all I know, but I feel like I'm growing as a person. Ha! That's sounds just as cheesy as that Lego movie, but it's totally true. I used to be massively freaked out by death. My family's, mine, the word itself, possible spirits after death, all of it.  There was a period of time I would wake up at night sobbing in fear of someone I loved dying. Other people grieving I was totally afraid of, and I have been convinced for the last 5 years that if I didn't think about it and didn't prepare for it, then the powers that be in the universe wouldn't let it happen. Let's call it a superstition.

I am slowly realizing (not completely) that thinking about it doesn't mean I'm inviting death. I fully believe I will be here for a very long time. My drugs are working, there are more out there, I'm golden as far as this living stuff goes. I don't think about death in terms of "when I die" but more in terms of "wow, dude, it's like out there and we're like parts of this huge thing called life man." Still scary - yes! Kind of an interesting journey - well… yes.

Wow, discussions of arguing and death. Maybe we should switch gears to happier things?

Other unrelated happier things… Max and Cannon have their own alarm clocks. Max's goes off, he gets up and gets in the shower. He's soooo Brent, Mr. Responsible. Max makes life so much easier, he's amazing. For those of you with small children you'll understand how great this is.  Cannon's alarm goes off and … just keeps beeping and beeping and beeping. The first day I went in thinking he didn't hear it.
"Cannon, your alarm's going off"
"I know"
"Are you going to turn it off?"
"Do I have to?"
Keep in mind that it's still beeping. Cannon is one of a kind.

Health news - I haven't had a headache that kept me in bed and sick all day since January 1st. That is HUGE!

I have a scan on March 4th, and an appointment with Dr. Lee on the 6th to check results of the scan. Blood work will probably happen too. We'll keep moving forward and believing all is well. I'm not worried about it at this point. I'm sure there will be moments of panic between then and now, but they're rare. Things are moving along in our new normal world. We'll keep laughing (and maybe some arguing).

Numbers are …. DOWN!!!!

Please accept this virtual high five from me, because drugs, eating well, prayers, positive thinking, other supplements… it's working!!!! If I could take an accurate picture to depict "giddy" I would post that sucker. I tried to express giddy with my face, but it looks more drunk than anything.

My tumor marker numbers for five years post treatments were in the mid to high 20s, which is considered a normal range. This leads me to believe that most people would have a similar number whether they were living in the cancer world or not. I don't really know if that's true, I just sort of decided that. In May they were suddenly at 45, which sent this whole deal into motion. I'm probably repeating myself, but that's fine. Right after surgery the number went down to 38, then in November we were back at 45. At that time, Dr. Lee said it was great, if the numbers stay the same we're in good shape. This time, the number was 37. WHEEEEE!!!!

Fluctuation is normal because these tumor marker tests can be influenced by other stuff going on in your body, (infection, inflammation, stress probably). They may fluctuate back up, but I feel pretty confident that things are moving in the correct direction. Last time I did the blood work I was a crying anxiety ridden train wreck. I feel like that could have influenced the number also, but who knows for sure.

I really like the quote above. It's a good reminder to relax and enjoy the moment and know things are working themselves out. That whole patience is a virtue thing… um, I've never been very good with that virtue, (or any of them?), but I'm learning!! :)

So far I'm loving 2014.

Blood draw

I just had my blood drawn yesterday. I shouldn't have to meet with my doctor unless the numbers have gone up. I'm not really worried about it, I'm fairly confident that things are plugging along normally. We'll do some scans in March to see where we're at. Whee! :)

I have had a series of instances along this journey that lead me to believe I have all sorts of love and energy around taking care of me. One of which is the people that draw my blood. The last few women have all had names that make me smile. Linda was one (my amazing Aunt), Chris was one (my amazing mom), Hazel was one (crazy great grandma, but a strong woman), and most recently was none other than Melissa. I choose to believe it isn't coincidence. It's all about what makes me feel better, right? 

Christmas was wonderful. One stint with my family and one stint with Brent's. Both are relaxing and full of laughter and smiles.

We're looking forward to this year, Cannon turns 6 this month and Max will be 8 in March. How did I suddenly have an 8 & 6 yr old? I give Max 2 years at most before he's taller than I am. Not that that is much of a statement. To be taller than a Sime is not shocking, but still weird for me!

Happy New Year!!