No pictures

I don't have pictures because they're on the camera, and they'll probably be there for a while. I'm just not that on top of things. :) The last surgery is over, and we're feeling good! I have a little bit of ache, but not bad at all. I can't pick up Max & Cannon, which irritates me the most, but hopefully its the last time! We spent the weekend in Prineville with family and friends, and had a blast. I stayed in Prineville for a while with mom and dad so they can lift Max & Cannon for me. We also realized that Brent and I and the boys haven't been here in a year. Since my parents were at our house so much, we weren't here at all. Its kind of nice to be here in the quiet. Except for the neighboring cow that moos me awake about 6AM, its wonderfully quiet.
Max and Cannon had a great week with Rick & Debbie. They got new lunch boxes that they played with for hours. Max's has Lightning McQueen on it, he's obsessed with the Cars movie. Cannon's is John Deer. Both kids are tractor fanatics. They pretend to go to work with their lunch boxes over and over again. They're getting so much better at playing together, its awesome. They still have their moments where Max screams and Cannon tries to take a chunk out of Max's arm with his teeth, but it is getting better. At one point Max had 2 black eyes, and Cannon had one. We currently are back to no black eyes, so we don't look like abusers anymore.
Brent is back to work after 2 weeks off for vacation and sick leave. He's hopefully going to get some sleep while we're not home. A whole bed to himself, the AC on all week so the house will be at like 60 degrees, plus a fan on, and no little cars to step on, he should be good.
Its so nice for us to have 2 sets of grandparents that Max & Cannon love. They have a great time, and are very spoiled by all four of them. Such lucky boys. I worry a lot less about them turning out as decent human beings when they have so many people to love them. I'll still worry, but less. :)

Mini Pukers

Max has 2 black eyes. Cannon we thought would have a black eye, but its just a scrape right next to his eye. We're not abusers I swear. :) We went to Montana to visit, and Max caught Tanner's head with one eye, and Tanner's foot with his other eye. Total accident of course, but he's pretty funny looking. Cannon's scrape is from Max and a toy helicopter incident. Boys.

Turns out Cannon gets car sick. Max gets car sick too, but not nearly to the extreme of Cannon. Jerrad thinks this is funny, I think mainly because he is still bitter from having family vacations of vomit smelling vehicles from Brent. We hit Hood River last Wednesday, and just as Brent and Max made into McDonald's, Cannon puked his guts all over himself, car, carseat, etc. Wow, awesome. We got him all cleaned up, and the car seat as puke free as we could, and headed out again to Walla Walla. About Boardman, he puked again. I don't know if you're familiar with Boardman, but its on I - 84, the straightest road ever. Who pukes on straight roads!? Apparently, Cannon. I then wedged myself between car seats in the backseat of the subaru. We have a puke bowl that goes on all car trips. Cannon, only being one, doesn't yet get the "puke in the bowl" game. My plan was to sit with the bowl on my lap, stare at Cannon and watch for signs of up-chuck to catch them in the bowl. Good times huh!? It wasn't a perfect plan, but sitting between the seats was better than sitting in the front seat, facing backwards. Both Max & Cannon fell asleep about 20 minutes outside of Walla Walla. We washed everything, and had dinner and stayed with Diane & Gary. The next day we headed to Missoula totally afraid of more of the same. Luckily, Cannon fell asleep pretty early, and only had one small "urp." I called the doctor today to ask about medications to drug the little guy for future car trips. He didn't have anything for little dudes younger than 6. Poor kid, he's just miserable and exhausted and sick the whole trip.

We are headed to Tillamook next week for the fourth. We're taking the tent trailer to sleep in, and I'm thrilled! We are very much looking forward to visiting with Brent's family and relaxing. Max & Cannon will stay there the following week for some fun grandparent time, and because I'll be having surgery. THE LAST ONE! I won't be able to lift them for a while, but I'm very excited to have it all over and done with.

Holiday Road

We (and Rick & Debbie) are buying a pop-up tent trailer. Its going to be on a time share situation between Sweet Home and Tillamook. Look how cute it is!! :) I'm so excited! We get to test it out before we officially buy it, Brent's boss is a heck of a nice guy to let us do that. We popped it up yesterday, and it was like a transformer. I'd never been inside one, so I was totally impressed. Max & Cannon had dinner in the trailer. The door is attached to the ceiling, and then comes down, the beds slide out and the stove can attach to the outside so you can cook out there and not get the trailer too hot. Holy crap its awesome. I've been singing that song from the movie "Vacation," with Chevy Chase. "Holiday road...." Unfortunately that's the only words I know, so its the same verse over and over.
Today is also the students' last day of school, so maybe some of my excitement has something to do with that as well...

Laundry

They do get along and play together once in a while. :)

Max hates that sticky popsicle juice is running all over his hand. Seriously, high maintenance three year old. Gotta love him. Cannon had a popsicle too, juice and goo everywhere. I think maybe over 1/2 of our laundry is from Cannon.

You'll notice in the background of most of our pictures that there is constant laundry and or laundry baskets. The basket doesn't have a "place" that it gets put away to anymore, its just constantly on the floor. I'm sure that laundry will get much worse in my future with 2 boys, but its pretty impressive right now. Especially with Cannon roaming around. Here's a picture of Max & Cannon actually playing on the pile of laundry. Its a clean pile, but its become a playground.

There are a lot of pictures of Cannon here because Max won't let us take his picture. We have to bribe him, but Cannon is great at saying "cheese." Its one of the few words he says that everyone understands, so he says it often. He loves shoes, his, Max's, Brent's, mine, all of them. He has my shoes and Brent's hat on. The hat comes way closer to fitting than the shoes. (And again laundry in the background)

Cannon loves Brent. I mean, of course he loves his dad, who doesn't like Brent, but the kid is a daddy's boy. Brent is usually gone in the morning by the time the little dudes wake up. Last week Brent was here when Cannon woke up. Usually, I walk in, we play peek a boo through the crib, he kind of giggles, but just lays there smiling. Brent walks in, and the kid is standing up in about 10 seconds. He rockets up and says "DADDY!" He was thrilled. Once Brent picked him up, he just laid his head on his shoulder, perfectly content, and would sigh every once in a while. :) It was cool.

Relay for Life

Brent's boss and his family donated in my name to a Relay for Life event in Medford. It was incredibly generous and thoughtful. Happy tears. :) The first picture is of the luminarias lit up at night, the second is the one that was made for me. I know Donna made one for me last year in Tillamook as well. Very flattering, and humbling to see how many are out there.

Mom guilt

I'm convinced that mom guilt is the strongest force in the universe. When Max was still a baby I remember telling my mom that I felt guilty over something. (I don't even remember what it is now), and she just said "yeah, that guilt doesn't go away... ever." So true! I feel guilt that I work all day and don't see Max and Cannon. At some point during the summer I will feel guilt that the only person they get to see for most of the day is me, and they're not getting enough social interaction. On the outside looking in, I know its absurd and ridiculous, but I live inside my head, not outside.
When I talked to the social worker after radiation one day she was just talking introductory type stuff. She said "your kids are never going to forget who mom is." I immediately started crying. I hate crying in front of people, but I couldn't control it, and I was totally unprepared for that reaction. Someday when Max and Cannon are teenagers, don't ever tell them I have this incredible guilt going, they'll be able to get away with anything. "Mom, remember how you didn't nurture me enough when I was a baby!? Buy me a car!" Done, convertible ok?
We painted this weekend. We are on yellow/gold color #2,and its looking good. I didn't spend every waking minute with my children when I hardly get to see them during the week. I feel guilt over painting a bedroom. Wow, mom guilt, serious stuff.

Little Dudes

So I don't know if you want to hear from me anymore or not, but I figure if you don't, then don't type in the web address. :) I thought I'd post some pictures of the little guys for the friends and family far away.

The other day before school I was trying to get Max's shoes on to leave. Cannon wanted to be held and anything else made him run screaming from the room. I sat down, put Max on my lap to put on his shoes, and it apparently pushed Cannon over the edge and he just slapped Max in the face. Usually when he's biting or hitting (we're working on it, I swear), he does it more discreetly. So, because of this behavior, I don't really blame Max when he doesn't want to hang out with Cannon. I offered the two of them candy to get them to be nice to each other in this picture. Max's version of being nice was to pet Cannon's head. Whatever, it'll work.

We try to read to the little dudes at least before they go to bed. Max loves books, Cannon is constant motion. He tends to roam the room while books are being read. He sometimes looks at the book, tries to put his feet in the way, tries to hold the book, tries to block Max from seeing the book, seriously never stops moving. How do little brothers just have that innate ability to frustrate their siblings!?


Cannon insists on doing everything himself, especially if Max is doing it too. I know this is a good thing that he is becoming more independent, but can be frustrating when I have a certain time to get to work. He ate yogurt all by himself, and was so proud. He walks belly-out everywhere he goes, so the mess has extra emphasis. We've started calling him pig-pen.


This is both Max & Cannon saying "cheese." They didn't require a candy bribe for this one, but just before this picture, they were fighting over the space on my lap.

Picture

Dress like a student day, and I have hair long enough to spike!

Regular

My mom mentioned that I should put on here that my scans came back "regular." The CT scan showed a blood clot in an ovarian vein. Dr. Lee says its not normal, but its nothing to worry about. She actually said its just weird. If its still there for the next scan, then we might do a sonogram to check it out. For the bone scan they called yesterday to tell me its normal. Every time a doctor calls my phone, my heart beats a bit faster. I pay attention to where I am and who's around in case its bad news and I need to run somewhere and hide. The next scans I think I'll pick a different hospital in the area where the IV may not be such a process. I'm hoping it isn't that much of a production every time I need an injection or a blood draw. Not cool, but not the end of the world.

Scans

What a cute kid in the grass!! What a huge head he has!! He's still in the 99th percentile for head size. The kid's a genius!

I had a bone scan and a CT scan yesterday. I again got to drink the "berry flavored smoothie" that tastes like rotten lemonade and old milk. My stomach loved it. They have to inject you with some radioactive stuff, so it involves some needles. The lady that was there to inject me had a nervous twitch, and had one eye that didn't open all the way. Um, really? She's going to come at me with needles? Great. I talked to her as calmly as possible. I tried to reassure her when she was apologizing for missing the vein, and trying to push the needle in farther. Apparently the veins on my right arm are difficult to deal with. Finally she surrendered and we brought in woman #2 who stabbed my hand and we're good.

I find out the results in the next day or so. I'm not really too worried about it which surprises me. I'm pretty confident that its all fine, maybe its me being naive, but whatever!

Hair

I think my hair is about an inch long. I have a student who shaved (buzzed) his hair after mine started growing back. He claims he didn't shave it for me, but I told him anyone that shaved their head in the last few months must have done it out of support for me. :) Anyway, he had great hair, like Pantene commercial, blowing in the breeze hair. His is longer than mine now, and halfway down his forehead already. I'm jealous, his hair is annhilating my hair! Total crap.

On the other end, my dad cut his hair. All of it. Its back to short and above his ears. He's also clean-shaven which he does from time to time. He was really afraid that Max & Cannon weren't going to recognize him. Max noticed and forgot in about 2 minutes, and I don't know that Cannon even noticed. His hair hasn't been this short in at least 10-12 years. It takes some getting used to! It used to kind of bother me that people didn't recognize me when I didn't have hair, or even now with minimal hair. I'm finally realizing that people weren't not recognizing me because I had cancer, it was just like a dramatic hair cut, it throws you off at first. :)

The rest of the fam is doing well. Max & Cannon are in need of haircuts. Max let a woman in Tillamook cut his hair awhile ago. He won't let me do it, plus I suck at it. We may have to make another trip to the coast just for a 3 year old haircut. No, they're not spoiled, I swear.

Sparkling

Rick, Brent, Dad and I dug some serious razor clams. They were awesome!!

When I was in high school there was this creepy kid that said my eyes sparkled and Marisa and Lisa haven't let me forget it. Just when I'm feeling pretty good, they tell me my eyes sparkle with as much sarcasm as they can muster. Assholes. Makes me laugh every time. Anyway, this weekend my dad said the sparkle is back in my eyes. He didn't mean it like the creepy kid did though. I'm feeling good, I'm living a normal life, I have energy, I'm myself again, not a shadow of myself, its good.

I went back to the oncologist the other day and she kind of told me what to be aware of, and what to check for, but she also told me not to let it consume me. She wants me to check areas around my neck for swelling and lumps, but she said do not do it everyday, because then you'll be thinking about it and worrying about it everyday. She emphasized that its her job to worry about it and think about it, so give that to her. That was really good to hear.

She also checked my vitamin D levels when they took my blood. They check for other proteins that indicate cancer too, but the vitamin D level was intriguing to me. There was a study from last December that showed a direct correlation between breast cancer and vitamin D deficiency. They are now conducting studies that relate vitamin D deficiency to other cancers. She also said that 80% of the US is vitamin D deficient. Crazy. I just got my results back and I have a certain amount to take daily, so I should be in good shape. My students asked if they could work outside the other day, so I told them they could, but first made them listen to my vitamin D speech.

I have my last surgery scheduled for July 7th. I go home the same day. I'm excited to get that one over and done with. I'm not excited to be in pain again and not be able to lift my kids again, but it won't be as painful or as intensive, plus it's the last one!

The Bowling Party

Here are some pictures from the party. Rick was in charge of pictures, and I'm totally impressed. He got two pictures of Lisa, which is really hard to do, and two pictures of my Aunt Linda. These are two people who will avoid pictures like you wouldn't believe, but who can say no to Rick?



Ready to bowl dude...


Says it all


My grandparents are awesome


New Bff - Liam & Max


Ava - star bowler


Debbie and her sisters, they just kind of look alike


I love my sister inlaws!!


Dad, Mom, her two brothers and our friend Melody. This is the genetic reason I now have gray hair. Its not chemo, its Cannons. Seriously, check it out, all white haired, then there's my dad, "The Dude" at a bowling alley.


Aunt Linda, creator of "Mr. Poopy" and the cute kid is of course, Brent


Randy & Nell - big blog commenters and supporters!! Also Jerrad, Brent's brother who came all the way from Montana.


I never thought I looked like my brother until I shaved my head... Lisa told a few people to wear their pink shirts to the party, but then everyone decided not to. Nobody told Amos they decided not to. Ha ha, he's not bitter. He was also complete with the acid wash jeans to match the blog pic. Classy.


Sorry if you're tired of pictures. I love them. Cannon and both grandpas.


One last picture of some of my friends. Justin King, Lisa, Melodie, DeAnn, & Nolan. See, I told you I had the biggest support group ever. There are still tons more pics of family and friends, plus those that couldn't make it. I'm so flattered, and loved, and wow. Thanks!

Positive Thinking

Doctors and nurses (and family and friends, etc) kept telling me not to underestimate the power of positive thinking. Do you realize how much easier it is to think positively when the weather is beautiful outside!? There are days I get freaked out about "what if the cancer comes back!?" I can get pretty worked up when my mind really goes for it. Days like Saturday, Sunday and today when its beautiful, we're weeding in the yard, we're playing soccer (some version of it) with Max & Cannon, there are NO negative cancer thoughts in mind. Days like today I think "cancer? no problem, kicked its butt." Overall, there are more 'sunshine' days in my head then there are 'rainy' days, so that's a start!! Bob & Donna - enjoy the sunshine in Hawaii!!

60 years!

Woo hoo sunshine! It was gorgeous over here today. Granted, I still had long pants and a sweatshirt on because I'm so tough, but the sun was out, and my nose looks a little Rudolph like. Fabulous! What this means is that Brent will bust out the fan in our bedroom in the next week or so because "its too damn hot!" Then he'll fart right in front of it, let it waft in my face and laugh like its the funniest thing ever. I don't think the cancer card is going to be very effective with this one... Married life is nothing but glamorous!!

My grandparents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary this week. Check that out! I don't know how you tolerate anyone for 60 years!? I get annoyed with myself after too long. Brent and his fan for 60 years... oh dear. :)

Surprise!

Cannon does surprised way better than I do. I was totally surprised, and totally embarrassed. For those of you who didn't know, (and I'm guessing by cards, texts, letters, calls, most of you already know), but Sam threw me a surprise "no more cancer" party. Planned it all, made invitations, the whole deal. She's amazing. I am very, very, flattered and humbled by how many of you have been so helpful and supportive. I can't believe how many of you drove all the way to Portland for us. Thank you. More tears of joy when I think about it. I really wish I could have sat and talked with everyone there, but it didn't seem to work out that way. I would try to express how much I love and care for all of you, but I'm not very good at the sentimental, the sarcasm is more my comfort zone.

People keep asking me if I'll keep up the blog now that the cancer stuff is done. I don't know. I don't know that my life is very eventful. It sounds like a lot of pressure to keep you all entertained. :) I have a few more check ups and one more surgery, so I'll at least keep venting until then.

THANK YOU SAM!!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THAT MEANT TO ME.

Kid pics

I don't realize how much Cannon understands. I had a scarf on to go to school the other day, so Max wanted a scarf. So he grabs one, and as I'm putting it on Max, Cannon walks over and gets himself one too. Put Cannon's scarf on, tell Max to go get his coat. As I put Max's coat on, Cannon brings me his coat. Holy crap, I have two genius children who can totally take care of themselves, but will scam me into doing everything for them. Brilliant!



For some reason, when I put pictures on here, they all end up at the top, but I'll try to space them out again. Cannon has a look that he gets on his face that we call "the furrowed brow." Its sort of a "what the hell is the matter with you look." Brent got a good picture of it the other day.




We had a birthday party for Max because he's turning three this week. He had a great day. Joy (our phenomenal babysitter and friend) started telling Max that he couldn't wear diapers anymore once he turned three because it was illegal. Between that and my mom refusing to put a diaper on him, Max is now a potty kid. I don't know if I'm happier to be cancer free or to have Max use the toilet. :) We took a picture of him sitting on it, which made him really mad, someday he'll hate us for things like this. This is a picture of Max with his cake that Debbie made. He's staring at people singing to him a little unsure of how to handle it. :)



The port removal spot is a little sore still, but not bad. I took a nap today, did some weeding, went for a walk with the fam, had a normal day. It was awesome!
Here are Max, Cannon and I reading a book. What a cool life I have.

Yeeee!

I was in the regular office for the "procedure," but I was in the back creepy room. I walk in to a room that has the windows boarded up, a dental chair, and all the tools laid out ready to go. Seeing this is not comforting. I got a little shaky to be honest, and the shaky didn't really stop until about an hour after I left.
The during wasn't painful, and the assistant, who I love, totally distracted me by talking about anything and everything. It was helpful, but when you can see the "thread" being tightened about two feet above you, its kind of hard to ignore. Why that much thread was required, I have no idea. The doctor cut out the old scar since it was huge. He is hoping that the new scar will form better since my body isn't going through chemo, I should be more prepared to handle it. When the numbing stuff wore off I was definitely sore last night. I took some good drugs and went to bed early. I feel much better today, but still definitely achy. I again am not supposed to lift my kids, throw a softball, or swing a bat. I suppose I should have thought of this before I got it taken out, but I stupidly thought I would be fine. I wish they would have realized that I am an idiot when they scheduled it and talked to me more about what I wouldn't be able to do after the fact. I started helping the JV softball coach on Monday, then Tuesday I got to show up and tell her I can't really do anything. How helpful am I!?
The good news, the very good news is that ITS OUT! One more thing to cross of the list.

Reality

Back to reality! Brent and I had a great weekend, but of course forgot the camera... Gifted. Its usually Brent that actually remembers things like that, so I'm going to blame him. He'll love that. There were some beautiful days and views of mountains, water, etc. you'll just have to trust me. We had great food, did get to sleep in, and tried some Port Townsend beer that was great. It was a lot of time in the car, but we're used to that, so it was fun. Oh, we went to Port Townsend by the way. Its about a 35-40 minutes ferry ride from Seattle. Very relaxing, quiet little place. It was perfect for us.

I get the port yanked tomorrow. I'm tempted to do an online search and what comes up when I look for "port yanked," but I'm afraid of what I'll find. I'm sure it will not end up being a big deal, but it freaks me out. I had to be knocked out to put it in, a whole other surgery, etc. Now, to take it out, its an in-office deal!? Nobody has to drive me home, so there aren't enough drugs to calm me down... Oh geez. I picture blood squirting everywhere, the doctor laughing, and me sitting with my eyes closed waiting for it all to be over. I have a slight (major) tendency to over-react so I'm sure I'll be laughing at myself tomorrow night, but until then, I'm a little on edge. I'll be thrilled when its out though, it irritates the crap out of me. Some people leave them in forever. They love them. I don't get those people.

Brent

So there's this kid that I live with by the name of Brent. He and I have been basically co-existing for the last 6 months. Maybe you've heard of him? People tell me he's a nice guy...

Brent and I are going on a trip this weekend and thanks to the fabulous parents that I have, we are ditching the little dudes. We're not totally sure where we're headed, probably farther than originally planned because this Brent kid likes to drive. We have also been deemed "road whores." I'm excited to get to know this "Brent" character. I plan to sleep in, drink coffee, read a newspaper, and probably drink a beer or margarita or two.

WOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!

I cried when I left the doctor's office yesterday. Total happy cry, and cry of relief, whatever, but it was awesome. I literally skipped to my last appointment. Brent met me in the waiting room with flowers, because he's wonderful and thoughtful. I still have appointments, final things to be done, but the big stuff is done!!!!!!! The "treatments" that are horrible for your body, (but that kill cancer) are done. The doctor warned me that my energy would not necessarily come back overnight. There are people who feel the worst the two weeks after their last dose. I don't care, I'm done.
I told Max and Cannon that I didn't have to go to any more doctors appointments for a while and that I was all better. Max said "so you can race now? and wrestle?" Cannon pointed out the window and said "dah?" Ha ha.
Without sounding too much like an Oscar acceptance speech... there's no way Brent and I would have made it through all this without help from our friends and family so thank you! We still have some ups and downs with check-ups and such, but we're feeling pretty good about now!!

Pictures and Uno Mas!

I have a before and after, sort of. The first picture is from Cannon's birthday party, the end of January. Notice first the cute kid in the red chair. That would be the can man. Then notice the shiny bald head next to him. The lack of eyebrows and eyelashes is not a cool photo shop thing, that's how bare my face was. Pretty sweet. The next two pictures are from today. Not only is there color on my face, but Hair! Eyebrows! Eyelashes! Oh no! The last picture is Max actually letting me take his picture. It doesn't happen often. I can't believe how big these guys are. I look at pictures from June and Max looks so different now, crazy.

I have ONE MORE!! Monday is the very last one. Holy cow. This week the fatigue definitely caught up with me. I have aches and pains and I'm exhausted. I can't believe that we're actually at the end of this. So long ago Brent and I would look toward spring break as a "done by then" thing, and its here. Unbelievable.

I have an appointment to get the port out on March 17th. Its an office visit. I'm a little freaked out with how that process goes, but I guess we'll see. They'll have to cut into me, and I know its sewn into a vein, so I'm a little unnerved about that. I'm thrilled to get it out, but yikes. I'm guessing Brent won't make it through that without passing out. The surgeon takes it out, and I haven't seen him since the day before chemo #1, so it'll be nice to see him again. Some people don't recognize me if they haven't seen me in a while. Apparently I look quite different with no hair. :)

THREE LEFT!!!!

Wow, in the single digits and counting. I am exhausted, but the light at the end of the tunnel is incredibly bright. They say it will take me 2 to 3 months before my energy level is totally back to normal. I'm thinking the adrenaline rush of being done with "treatment" may speed up that process!! The area where my tumor was is a little achy from time to time. The doctor told me yesterday that that is normal considering they're hitting that area pretty hard with radiation. Its natural for it to be inflamed, apparently. The doctor also said that she doesn't think the area under my arm is going to get any worse, it should start to heal from here. What will I have to talk about after all of this? I'm running out of time to play my cancer card for sympathy. Maybe I should shave my head again just for pity. My eyebrows are in, my eyelashes are almost all the way in, I have hair laying flat on most of my head. I kind of feel like Pinocchio, "I'm a real girl!" Ha ha

Oregonian

Its never fun to see those you care about in pain. Its even worse when there's very little if anything that you can do to help or ease their pain. That's pretty much how Brent and I felt all weekend, and still feel. We went to my cousin's funeral which was, of course, horribly sad. Her kids are amazing and adorable and are handling it all as best they can. Her husband Dave is also amazing and is a great dad. All of her family is very close and they take good care of each other. I know they will all eventually be ok. It will take a lot of time, and a lot of hurt, but they will make it.

While in California with some of the Cannon clan, I was told numerous times that I look like a Cannon, and more specifically my cousin Jen. I have never been told this in my life, so I'm pretty sure the Cannon comparison is from the gray hair. My cousin Jen is one of the family that everytime we went to visit, I felt like I needed to dress a little nicer and look a lot better just to hang out with them. Now I care a little less, but I'll take it as a total compliment to look like her. :)

Yesterday on the way back we had two lay-overs. We first flew to Phoenix, where the airport had to be 90 degrees. I was dying. I'm pretty sure it was a giant hot flash because Brent was totally comfortable and no one around me seemed phased by the incredible heat wave that hit. I felt like sweat was beading up on my head and on my back, and my armpit was on fire. It was awesome. Anyway, I finally recovered in time to get on the plane and then fly to Vegas. Great. The airport was cool enough, but the plane to Portland was cramped, and hot. By the time we finally got off the plane in Portland, I was thrilled to see cold, rainy weather. I usually like warm weather, but apparently I have adapted to this rainy Willamette Valley stuff. I wanted to cry when I went outside into fresh air and rain I was so happy. Weird. I thought the hot flashes were going away, I was wrong.

I have five treatments left. Today was the last one that aimed at the larger area. I now have five final treatments that are targeted at my scar and the location of where the tumor was. These are outlined in a very high tech fashion. Its a drawing on my chest using a sharpie. The drawing faded while we were gone this weekend, so I had to call the radiation people. Brent and I had to buy a sharpie and re-trace to make sure it didn't disappear.

Shock

My armpit is dark red, purple, and blackish in parts. It hurts and feels like the skin is stretching, but its not bad. I haven't written anything in a while because I'm in shock. Monday we found out that my cousin passed away. Out of nowhere. She was 38, married and has 3 kids. She went to the doctor at 10 in the morning or so because she'd been sick for a while and by 3:30 she was gone. She had complications due to pneumonia. Its rare, and seems more like a freak accident. Brent and I are headed to southern California for the funeral, which will hopefully be somewhat healing for us, but mainly for her husband, children, parents, siblings, and friends.

Update

Max will tell you that he fed these cows at the farm. What happened was he picked up some hay and threw it their direction. See how excited he is to be so close to the cows? He's so brave.

The eyebrow update: still not normal, but they're making progress. The five o'clock shadow look is still there. I have done some plucking of them. I don't know if I was doing it to avoid having a uni-brow, or just out of excitement that I had the option to pluck. I have some eyelashes on their way in I think I mentioned before. I tried to put mascara on them, which was ridiculous considering they're like millimeters long. Literally, millimeters. I ended up with black smudge all over the place. For someone who never really liked wearing make-up, I'm sure working hard at getting more on there. The hair on the sides of my head lay down flat most of the time instead of sticking straight out. The hair on top sticks straight up in the air still. Its about 1/4 of an inch long. There is the occasional hair that rockets up to 1/2 an inch. over-achievers. I have leg hair and arm hair growing in. I was told that during radiation the hair on my armpit wouldn't grow. It's growing, and I'm pissed. I was hoping to never have to shave that sucker again. No such luck.

I haven't had any more dizziness. The doctor claims that it wasn't because of the amount of wax in my ear, but I have my doubts. How can that much stuff not cause issues!? I get tired and go to bed about 8 - 8:30, and sleep like a log. Since I don't usually go to bed that early, I would say I have some fatigue. It helps TONS that my Aunt is here. I have more time to play with Max & Cannon, and I have much less to do in the evening which has helped immensely. There is some burning, but its still pretty minimal. The dr. said there's a chance that Monday it could suddenly get bad over night. She has apparently had a couple of instances like that that have "surprised her." I don't feel like a surprising case, so I think I'll be good.

I'm thrilled its Friday! Have a good weekend!!

Eyebrow stubble

Debbie says I have a 5 o'clock shadow on my eyebrows. Its more like a 2 month shadow, but they're on their way to being big kid eyebrows again! Eyelashes you still have to get pretty close to the mirror to see them, but they're on the way as well! One student told me today that they didn't think they could get used to me having hair again. It was also pointed out to me this weekend that if the worst thing I have to complain about is waxy ears and eyebrow stubble, then I'm doing pretty good. Good point!
I have three weeks of radiation left! It has gone by really quickly so far. On Dr. Wednesday I'm going to ask about getting the port out. I'm not excited about more procedures to remove it, but I don't want that sucker in there for any longer than it needs to be. I think they told me that they can take it out in the office. Yikes, that sounds a little frightening since its sewn into a vein, but we'll see! The drains just got yanked in the office after surgery so its possible.
We went to Brent's grandma's dairy farm in Grants Pass this weekend. It was relaxing, and fun to visit. Max & Cannon got to see some cows. Max was afraid of the cows (big shocker). He didn't like the cows looking at him. He kept telling me to look at their eyes. It took Rick a while to coax him to walk in the cow poop too. He didn't want to get his boots yucky. :) Gotta love that kid. Brent stayed home because he had to work one day, so he got some rest too.

Ear Wax

I get dizzy from time to time. Brief, and usually when I'm tired, but some dizziness I started noticing about the middle of January. I don't pay attention to what I'm doing at the time, how often it happens, etc. I just notice that things are a little screwy, and then a few seconds later, everything is good again. The first couple I figured was a chemo thing and my body just dealing with it all. I finally remembered to ask the radiation doc about them, she says ask the chemo doc. I ask chemo doc, she says "that shouldn't be from the chemo anymore, we want you to come in so we can check it out." I panic. I immediately decide I have brain cancer. It has spread to my brain, I'm doing all this crap over again, blah blah blah. Objectively, I know this process of thinking is ridiculous, but I'm living inside my head, not a normal rational head. I called Brent to get myself calmed down, and was fine. Its just a realization that every time I go to the doctor, there's going to be this underlying fear that I have cancer. Good stuff! Apparently my Aunt Linda a long time ago was sure she had leg cancer, but it turns out that since she was pregnant with Josh at the time that he was sitting on her nerve and creating the "cancerous" pain. Apparently this cancer fear that I have also has some genetic background.

I went to the doctor today and she said its nothing to worry about. She listened to the heart, breathing, etc., she checked out my eyes and ears and such, and I'm good. She said its probably my body just dealing with everything, and if it keeps happening to pay closer attention to what's going on when it happens. I haven't had it in like a week or so. While looking in my ears however, she noticed some serious ear wax. Huge amounts of goo came out of my ear today. Huge. I could bottle it and sell it at Halloween. She had this really long Q tip, and dug it out, and ew. Huge. She pulls out one chunk of goo and its about the size of a large ant. I'm disgusted and disturbed, and a little impressed, so she throws that away, and looks in my ear again only to find that there is another chunk of goo equal in size to the first. You would think that I was deaf in that ear, I don't know how I heard anything with that in there. Impressive. Apparently this happens from time to time with chemo patients. Ear wax is also a side effect of chemo. Weird.

Aunt Linda has been here since Tuesday night, and is heading home tomorrow. We have been incredibly spoiled. She has the little dudes bathed and ready to eat when I get home, my laundry was folded today, and the house smells good because dinner is ready. She's the best housewife ever. A little crazy, but in a fun way. :) She was on a mission to potty train Max, so she brought Mr. Poopy. This is a doll that is about three feet long and made of brown fleece. She made him. He is full of toys so when you go to the bathroom, you get a toy. The toy only comes after the song and the dance. See, crazy, but a fun crazy. :) So far Max isn't buying it. Linda has a toy, I have 2 toys, and Brent has a toy. Max doesn't care, he points them out and doesn't even try to play with them. No jealousy, nothing. Yesterday I asked him if he would like to use the potty so he could have a toy and he said "no Mommy, I have enough toys." Seriously!? Don't give me crap about my diaper wearing son when he's 10 years old or older, we have officially tried it all...

I have been feeling really good. Its easy to make it through the day when I have this much help around. Between my mom and Linda, when Brent and I have to do all the work around here again, its going to be really exhausting. :) I have a little bit of burn, but not bad. Some clothes are becoming more comfortable than others, and I go to bed pretty early, but overall its pretty easy. Have a good weekend! Oh, and I tried to take a picture of my eyebrow, but I couldn't get it to work. I was cracking up trying to get the right angle and I found myself smiling for a picture of my eyebrow, but the camera won't focus on my eyebrow that close. At some angles the flash just reflects off my head. ha ha I do have eyebrow stubble though, so there's progress...

Emu Oil

Here's that pic of Cannon walking. He rocks, and he has a Bob Marley shirt from Uncle Amos. What's cooler than that?

Week three is done, nearing halfway!! I'm starting to burn I think. I can feel some pain under my left arm, but its not bad. I had someone tell me the other day that when they had radiation, they used emu oil on their skin and they didn't burn. Interesting... The thing is, everyone's radiation is different. Part of mine is aimed at lymph nodes right under the skin, so more likely to burn. I have people telling me that if I slather lotion on of this sort or that sort then I won't burn. Ok, I'm willing to try it all, but I'm thinking if the dr. says I will burn, its probably going to happen. Emu oil? I don't know... And what is emu oil anyway? What part of the emu is "oil" coming from? Do I want to know? Cannon has drool and some really sweet snot that could be called "oil."

I definitely hit an energy wall about 7-8 depending on the day. Tonight I feel pretty good, but Tuesday I fell asleep sitting up on the couch about 7. My mom being here this week was great for Brent and I. I was exhausted from all of this zapping, and Brent just started working 10+ hour days, so he wasn't full of energy either.

I have hair on my head growing at a steady pace, there are even a few brown hairs. They are very few, but they're there. I have had more conversations about my hair in the last week then I think I've ever had in my life. Probably most of them are initiated by me, I would like to go back to blending into the crowd. I mainly would like my eyebrows and lashes back, as I've mentioned numerous times before. I lost an eyelash today, just fell out, no reason. I'm down to like 4 on that side. My left eyebrow literally has like 5-6 hairs. Total. Countable eyebrow hair that's what I have. The right side has a few more, I'm not going to count them because I can then believe that there are still too many to count. Seriously though, go find a mirror and look in the mirror at an eyebrow. Pick out five hairs that you like, and imagine what it would look like if you pulled all the rest. Again, I don't base a lot on appearance, and there are way better things to complain about than eyebrow hair, but its consuming my thoughts today. Then I look at Carolyn (Brent's cousin) on her blog and she has a picture of herself at 20 weeks pregnant. She's beautiful, wearing her own jeans, has eyebrows, I'm totally jealous. Not of the pregnant part, I hated being pregnant, but the rest of it. :) I'm shallow.

Sorry about the venting, it sounds like I had a bad day, but I really didn't, the complaining was amongst laughter. I'm thrilled to have the weekend with the cute little guys. They're just awesome and getting big amazingly fast. The weeks fly by with them around. Its surprising that week 3 is done.

Oh and DeAnn, still on puzzle #3. The rest of it is all one color so everyone else has quit. Its up to me, I'm not scared.

Cannon the WALKING one year old!

I had to add that sweet picture of my brother in the Mo's People shirt. He didn't seem to want us to have a picture of him wearing it, so after much persuasion, this is what we got. He said he decided not to send the one of him with the speedo and the shirt tied to the side. That kid makes me laugh.
There was a woman singing in the waiting room at radiation last week. One woman, her guitar with a music stand, and the robed radiation patients. At first I thought it was nice that it was something different. However, as I sat there, I didn't know if I should look at her, keep doing the puzzle, sing along or just bust out dancing. At one point it was just me and her, everyone else was being radiated, so it was just me. It was really awkward. She then asked for requests. I told her anything was great, and that she had a lovely voice. Lovely voice, does that sound like something I would say? I'm an idiot. Anyway, Mary & I are back to puzzle #3, no singing, much better.
We had a party for Cannon Saturday because he turned one!! I guess I have to stop calling him baby Cannon. I can't believe he's one already. I went through the guilt of "I missed his whole year because I was sick" thing and am now to "he got to have more time with his grandparents." Objectively, I know I didn't miss a whole year, I know I shouldn't feel guilt, etc, but guilt is what I do.
Cannon also walked for the first time Saturday! He cruised across the living room floor to applause and cheers from Brent, Rick, Debbie, Amos, and I. It was awesome. He was laughing and loving it. The more excited we looked as he was coming at us, the more he would laugh. Brent got some pictures, so I'll get those on here soon. Lauren suggested I take a video and put it on here, so if I can get him to do it again with video, I'll give it a shot.
I'm pretty excited that I have this month, which is the shortest month, then just a week and a day and I'm done with this part of the process. My mom is here this week to help out, which is awesome considering Brent started his busy season, and I need to sleep once in a while. My Aunt Linda is going to start coming a couple of days a week next week to help out too. Having her around will help out massively, Brent and I can get a little bit of time to chill out and relax, or sleep. Plus, Max is excited that Aunt Linda is coming. She makes chicken nuggets with goldfish crackers that have been deemed "Linda's chicken nuggets." Its always fun to have Aunt Linda around, you never quite know what's going to happen.

No idea how many left...

I changed the look of things. Mainly out of boredom, but also because I remembered that I had that option. I still have plenty of energy, which is fantastic. I still have a cold, which sucks. I think I'll basically have some sort of cold until June or so. Max is a heck of a dreamer, wakes up screaming, screams in his sleep, etc. Its hard to get a good night's sleep with him around. I used to feel bad that he was having these traumatic nightmares, but then I heard him yelling things like last night, "no mommy, I don't want the cheese!" Yeah, not so traumatic. Brent is a very vivid dreamer, so apparently its inherited. I'm thinking by the time Max actually sleeps through the night, the radiation will have caught up with me, and that will be my reason for being exhausted. With the help of a lot of coffee, I'll live. I don't have any burning yet either, even though I over-analyze any skin sensation that I have. Monday on my drive home, I started to wonder if something was a sunburn-like feeling, then I realized it was the wrong side of my chest. Gifted.

We're on to puzzle #2 in the waiting area. The people that actually do the zapping are Calli & Tim most days. These are two incredibly nice people, as all of my nurses/doctors have been. They ask how school was, how are the students, can we see pictures of your kids, laugh at my lame jokes, and answer all of my questions. Basically, they humor me in the nicest most sincere way possible.

I have this x-ray machine rotating around me for the radiation, so I have a variety of questions about how that works. Here's what I've learned so far: There's a window in the rotating thing where the radiation comes through. Inside the window there are 120 "teeth" for lack of a better term, that move together and apart to help focus where the radiation is going. They block the radiation from hitting more area than we need to. They start out looking kind of like an unzipped zipper, then some of them move closer together, or farther apart depending on which part of the plan we're doing. I have about 6 different times that I get radiated, each lasting about 10 seconds? So basically, machine starts above me, buzzes about 5 seconds, rotates to the right a bit while the teeth things are moving around to target a different area, zaps again for a few seconds, rotates further, etc. After I think the third one, Calli comes on the intercom with "Melissa, please move your head to the right," and then we do the last three.

Fridays there's some sort of probe, ok that sounds bad, let's come up with a different term... yeah, I've got nothing, its a probe that gets taped to my chest in different locations. I don't quite understand this thing, but when the machine zaps me, the probe registers some numbers. The numbers tell the "team" whether or not we have the right amount of radiation. Tuesdays we have x-ray day where they take x-rays to make sure they are positioning me correctly. Wednesdays are doctor days where I meet with the radiation doctor and she checks my skin, energy level, blood counts, etc. I had to have blood drawn last week, and I'm kind of curious what the results will be as far as white blood cell count and iron level. I have a tendency to be anemic. They're checking to make sure things are accurate constantly. Its great. Oh, and every other day I wear the mold of my chest. Its called a bolus. I had to ask how to spell it yesterday, because its pronounced bullis. I think I mentioned on here before that they made the mold of my chest. I have that on my chest while they're radiating to bring the rays closer to the skin, where the lymph nodes are. I also asked yesterday when are the milkshake days, and apparently they don't have that in place yet.

33 To Go!

I can see this countdown will quickly get old. The whole radiation process is just like an x-ray. I change into the sweet robes, wait in the creepy waiting room where there is always a puzzle, they line me up on the table, zap me, and I go home. Its very short, and very easy. Wednesdays are doctor days, so they will take a bit longer. My favorite part is the puzzle because I love puzzles, but I'm annoyed with other people working on it as well because they just slow me down. One lady yesterday kept celebrating when she put 2 pieces together. "Those two fit!" I think she needs more in her life. I do like talking to the others in the waiting room, though. They're silent, but I tend to just start asking questions. They're probably annoyed with me, but oh well. One lady has had a rough trip with an oncologist she wasn't thrilled with, and a lot of miscommunication. She was told she wouldn't need radiation, then after she was done with chemotherapy and thought she was all done, they told her she would have to do it after all. That would be very frustrating to feel like you're at the end only to find out you have more stuff. The more I talk to her, the better I feel about the decisions I made as far as surgery, and the more confident I feel in my doctors. She's doing well now, but has definitely had a hard time.

Radiation #1 Today

I start radiation today. I had the run through yesterday. They basically took x-rays and such to make sure everything was ready to go. They needed to make sure that calculations are correct and positioning and stuff. I didn't see the x-rays, but we're starting today, so we must be good to go. I lay on a table and there are lasers in the walls that align with my tattoos. They said that, and I thought 'yeah right, lasers in the walls,' but its true. One laser to my left, one to my right, and when I look between my feet, I see the third. So they kind of shimmy me around until I'm in the right spot. Its kind of comical.
They also had me meet with a social worker that works in the the cancer center building. She said they believe in treating "the whole person," so emotionally as well. She is a counselor who specializes in oncology and specifically young adults. We talked for a while, she just wanted to get to know me better and make sure I knew her services were available to me. I really liked her, and she basically hit on everything that bothers me, or I feel guilt over, or am curious about. She talked about the stresses of having little kids in the middle of all of this. She just looked at the ages of Max & Cannon and said "the two and a half year old throws fits because he's two, not because you have cancer." I started laughing because I had hardly spoken and she already knew that was a biggie. It was just nice to know that she had heard the exact same concerns from other people my age in my situation, and its normal. She was very reassuring. She also emphasized taking care of myself, and making sure I continue to do the things that make me happy. She said it may sound selfish, but its true. She used the airplane scenario. When you fly, they always tell you to put the oxygen mask over yourself before your children. I always think that's absurd, I'll totally put it on them first. But, if you do that, how are you going to get your children off the plane when you can't breathe? Take care of yourself first, or you're not being the parent you can be. Makes sense. She also said that if Brent wants to talk, she's available to him too. This is the FIRST time Brent has had people outside of our friends and family offer to help him. There should be more for spouses/partners/friends. We can call, or just tell the nurses while I'm in radiation that we'd like to talk, and she'll make time. Aaahhh...
Saturday I went to a doctor that was recommended to me by a family friend. I didn't really even know what he did, I was just told that he had heard about me, was a very warm person, and thought he could help. To make a long story short, he does acupuncture, as well as naturopathic medicine, basically Chinese medicine he said. I hated it. I don't know what it was about the whole situation that bothered me, but I was a little freaked when I left. He wasn't warm, he wasn't rude, but he wasn't warm. He didn't know who I was, he didn't really want to hear who I was, and I felt like he basically said "do this or your cancer will come back." No, it wasn't in those words, but that's just how I felt. I don't very often get freaked out, but I just had to get out of there all of a sudden. You could basically get me to do anything if you're going to guarantee me that cancer won't come back, so maybe I just felt taken advantage of, I don't know. Anyway, I won't be back to see him anytime soon. A family friend of ours says that your spirit will tell you what you need to do, and I guess my spirit was definitely against that guy. :)
So, radiation begins today, everyday at about 4pm, for seven weeks. I feel kind of excited to get going. Maybe the excitement is more because President Obama was sworn in, but I'm ready to go.
Oh, I need to tell you that Brent put together a book for me with pictures and the blog, and the comments. Its amazing. I cried, my dad started to read it, he cried, mom read a few, cried, Debbie looked at the first page and cried. :) Its very cool, and possibly the best thing anyone has done for me.

I have energy!!

My eyelashes are growing!!! My left eye kept more of them than the right eye, so its been a little uneven which I'm sure no one but me even notices. The right eye though has some little tiny short lashes that are coming in, they're gray, but they're there!! Woo hoo!! I'm hoping the hair on my head is soon to follow. I have some individual hairs that probably never would have fallen out that were like an inch and a half long, but they would stick straight up in the air, so we trimmed them. Brent re-buzzed me so its all one length. We'll see how it comes back in. Gray & curly is my guess.
I don't think my energy level is all the way back to "normal," but its close. I get through my normal day pretty easily, including racing Max in the backyard or wrestling with both of them, but after the little dudes go to bed, I'm done. Although, before cancer I was pretty well done after they went to bed, so its hard to tell. The only doctor like thing I have this week is a trip to the dentist on Wednesday, and I'm pretty sure normal people do that, so I can handle that one. Although I did play the cancer card last time I was there to avoid getting a cavity filled, so I think this time there will be shots. Dang it!
We had a great weekend visiting my grandparents for a late Christmas, and then mom and I went shopping. I haven't been shopping in a year or so, (seriously, not exaggerating), so I loved it. Total adrenaline rush from spending money. Sad, materialistic, true. A friend of the family also made a very cool cake for me. It was a congrats for being done with chemo cake. :) It was awesome. It had three tiers, beautiful colors, and pictures from the blog on it. Way more cake than we could eat, but we tried. I was very impressed, very professional. I have a picture of it somewhere, if I remember when I get home I'll put it on here. Thanks Jeri!

Sooner than later?

I wrote out a whole new post after meeting with the radiation people on Monday, but somehow the computer deleted it. I'm sure I did nothing wrong, it was all the computer.
The radiation people are some more smart people and I like them. There's the main doctor, the x-ray technician girl (don't know her title), physicist and jr. physicist. I didn't know I would get to meet the physicists or that they would even be involved in all of this, but that was exciting for me. I got to again wear a sweet hospital gown and robe. Regardless of how many doctors offices I have visited, all the gowns look the same. Flattering and stylish. Since they're radiating the top half, I only had to take my shirt off. Lucky me. After I had the robe on, I headed to waiting room #2. This was sort of creepy. I don't know if you've ever seen the movie "Defending Your Life" but as soon as I looked at the waiting room, I flashed to that movie. It was one of those that was on all the time, so you watched it when there wasn't anything else good. Anyway, it basically had people (all in robes) that were waiting to hear if they were going to heaven, or going to be sent back to Earth to try again. I walked into this waiting room and there were like 5-6 people, all in matching robes, and totally silent. There were puzzles, magazines, juice, and silence. It was weird. Included in the 5-6 people was this tall guy. I'm assuming he's tall because his robe was way too short, and he must have needed radiation over his whole body, because he didn't have anything on but the gown. He was very comfortable in the gown, no modesty there. I made a point to remember the chair he was in and never sit there.
Once it was my turn I laid on a table for almost an hour while they lined me up, and built molds of my chest and such. I'm guessing these pieces won't be going in a museum, but it was interesting to watch it all. The mold consists of 2 layers of saran wrap, a plastic thing that forms to you after being in a water bath, vaseline, and some stuff that has the feel and density of skin. Apparently I wear this apparatus while they're zapping me and it brings the radiation closer to the skin. The lymph nodes is what they're mainly aiming for, and the ones they're aiming at are right under the skin. This also means I will have some intense burning of the skin. It will turn red and peel. If it gets to the point of oozing (doctors word, not mine), then maybe we'll change some things. Um, maybe we'll change some things? Maybe? I really don't think I'll like oozing. Just a hunch.
The doctor mainly emphasized fatigue in all of this. She said its not something to just push through, which is what I have a tendency to do. She said I've never been, nor will I ever be this tired again in my life. Cool. The good news was that we might get to start this whole process sooner than later. Because I've handled chemo pretty well, she felt like if my energy is fully back in a couple of weeks then we can get going. It would be very nice to get this stage going, over with sooner, etc. We'll see if that works out or not. If I'm good to go, then I go back for a dry run (or an undress-rehearsal as Debbie called it, teachers have such lame humor), and then the next day we would start. We'll see!

Life after chemo

Ok, no Good Morning America. They never called, as Jerrad says, we're old news. :) Good thing, I would have watched myself and felt like a jack ass, so I'm good in my own little world.
It still seems a little weird that I don't have another chemo in a week or so. I am used to it I guess. What a sad thing to get used to. I have this new norm of feeling good for about a week, or less, and then feeling like crap again. Today I was thinking I'd go for a run, which usually is followed by a thought like "that seems pointless, you're just going to feel like crap again." But I get to feel good for a while. Weird. (I still didn't go for a run) :)
I have realized that this cancer business is never going to go away. Ok, the cancer cells have gone, but the word is always going to be here. I for some reason thought that once the chemo was done, that it would be easier, that I wouldn't think about it all the time, it wouldn't consume me. As soon as there is a lull, thoughts of recurrence and fear just sink in. I'm sure it won't always be that way, but I wonder how long until I can think about something else. I think Brent's tired of having cancer conversations. I'm tired of having cancer conversations. I'm tired of being defined as the girl that has cancer. I talked to a survivor the other day and she said it took her 2 years until she didn't think about it constantly. Really, two years!? Ugh. I will seek professional help if it hangs on that long.
I'm slowly learning more about tamoxifen. It can cause some more menopause like symptoms, fabulous. It can put me into menopause, very fabulous. It can cause some depression, it can cause weight gain, etc etc. These things seem minor when you compare them to having cancer and dying, but good God, one more side effect just sucks.
I feel good today and I'm excited to keep feeling better. I'm excited to have hair, and I haven't cried today. Look out world, things are looking up.