F Word

The only reason the real F word isn't up there is for Debbie & Grandma Milly. I had two doctor appointments yesterday and after I felt like standing on a really big building and screaming the F word as loud as I could. I do, however, live in Sweet Home where there aren't big buildings, so I guess we're good there. First was the oncologist. I wasn't expecting this to be hard, but for some reason when I got there, and saw the chemo paperwork and the dr. degrees on the wall with "oncology" on them, I freaked. She walked into the room and I started crying. Crap, I'm tired of crying in public. I got the sympathetic "I'm sorry" from her, cried more. Crap. So, she goes through this paperwork with my pathology report, my age, my health (pre-cancer) and gives me a number. The number is my chance of living for ten years, age 40. I have a 76% chance of making it. F WORD. 76!!!!!???? I wasn't ready for a number, and I definitely wasn't ready for a low number like that. Thanks to my math teacher dad and mother in-law, and Donna Miles, the expert, I'm feeling normal again today. All reassured me that everyone has a percentage out there somewhere, whether its driving in a car, flying in an airplane, whatever, everyone has one, I just have to actually know what mine is. And from a math perspective this is a small number, in the medical world, this is a big number. And as Dad said, you do everything you have to do, stay positive, good attitude, etc, to ensure you're in the 76%. Ok, I can do that. I went and had a beer and french fries after the doctor, it helped some.
So, the good news is that the oncologist seems to think chemo won't be a big deal for me. The first treatment tends to be the worst mainly because of the anxiety of it all, yup, I've got that part covered. Apparently my hair will fall out right away. I'm ok with the bald thing, I'm guessing when it actually happens I'll freak out, but right now, I'm oddly curious what I'll look like without hair... I'm going to cut it short before it falls out, maybe next weekend. My hope is that it will be a little easier on Cannon & Max. I've always wanted to cut my hair short, but been too afraid to do it, well, this is a face your fears few months so screw it.
Next was the surgeon, this is all good news. Healing well, plastic surgeon did a fabulous job, little bit of tightness in the left arm, we're cruising. Oh, I do have to continue to wear the ace bandage. This is like wearing a tight bra all the time. For those of you, like me, that love that moment at the end of the day when the bra comes off, you'll understand why this is a little annoying, but whatever. The ace bandage has to do with the expander bags and holding them in place. I don't picture them just moving around and suddenly they're at my knees, but fine. The plastic surgeon is in charge of when that comes off, and he seems to be good, so I'll do whatever he wants me to do.
My next appointments are: September 10th acupuncture, followed by plastic surgeon who will "pump me up." September 11th put in the port for the chemo at 9AM, and then September 12th is the first chemo appointment, followed by the second half of acupuncture. Mr. and Mrs. Sime will be busy teaching and babysitting this week. :) A lot of these appointments will require drugs before or after, so I have a lot of vicatin (see, I don't even know how to spell it!) in my future. I was sore last night and haven't been sleeping well, so I took 1/2 a pill, and the other 1/2 about 3 this morning. It didn't make me nauseous, so that was good to know. I was afraid I'd take drugs for pain and end up puking again. Oh! Chemo doctor also said that those people who try to keep their lives as normal as possible while doing chemo treatments, etc, seem to fair better. What? I made a good decision to work? Ha!
So, that was my crummy day yesterday, I'm feeling really good this morning, back to the good attitude part of life. I know the number, the shock sucked, but I had to hear it sometime. Thanks again for the cards and gifts, Diane, the bucket of candy and popcorn got here yesterday and was perfect timing. I ate honey roasted peanuts and again, felt much better. And for a brief male update: Cannon is close to crawling, he waves at you across the room and it makes you laugh everytime. Max is as stubborn and cute as ever, and has scammed both grandpas into doughnuts at the store, but the grandmas, (as he calls them Smamas) occassionally resist. Brent would have been right next to me yelling the F word yesterday, but is excited to be making salsa today, and is doing fabulous.

Working Girl

Ha ha! Lauren mentioned that the title here immediately made her think prostitute, which cracks me up, so I'm leaving it. I'm still teaching, I haven't turned to a life of selling myself. :)
I've made it through three days of work. I feel really good today. I went home at three yesterday just exhausted, so I probably should have gone home a little earlier, but I took a nap and slept well last night, so I feel better. This whole day has been in my classroom, and I brought Max with me for a while, so its been good. I love my coworkers, so being around them makes me feel like I have a normal life and makes me feel better. Every time I moved in a meeting, they were making sure I was ok, and offering to get me water, etc. They take good care of me here. Plus, I can ask for anything I want around here, and nobody's going to say no to me!! I have a better spot to sit in assemblies, I have the classroom assistants I want, I might have to play this cancer card a couple more times... ha ha I've also seen some students and been reminded why I love my job. I had a whole softball team who over the last month has brought me cards and gifts and made things easier. They're good kids, and I'm excited to see them. I know some of you think its ridiculous that I'm going to work, but I'm excited to be able to do it, I definitely have a new perspective on things.
I will try to put a picture of myself on here just so you know that I'm not like sickly looking, and walking around all pale and achy. :) I've had some requests for pictures for some reason. Don't worry I'll keep my shirt on! I look normal, I just have a very square chest area from the ace bandage wrapped around me. I believe its for swelling? I should know, but I tend to forget to ask important questions. I've been able to shower on my own which has been a wonderful thing for everyone, and I put my hair in a ponytail all by myself today. I feel like a little kid who's proud of tying his shoes.
I will probably have to do chemo through a port in my chest, so that sucks, but apparently a port in my chest is the better way to go. Whatever, more surgery sucks, but I don't seem to have much of a choice in this stuff. Its an in and out surgery, its less anesthetic, and hopefully much less or no puking. I don't know when we do that one, but I think we'll schedule it this Friday when I meet with the oncologist. I'm guessing. I always think I know what's going to happen, and very rarely have I been right. I also meet with the surgeon this Friday to check on healing I guess. I would like to not have to wear an ace bandage anymore, but again, I have no idea.
I talked to the acupuncture lady yesterday. It sounds like its to help relieve some of the anxiety of the whole thing, help the liver, heart, kidneys, and to help with the nausea from chemo. I go before and after chemo treatments. I'm not stoked about puking my guts again, so I'm hoping it helps. I've heard good things, but "everyone's different."
For my wonderful Gonzalez cousins. You're awesome. I ate some amazing home made tortillas last night, the enchiladas are thawing for tonight, (my dad's upset he won't be there for them), and the rest of the food we're saving until we start chemo and things get more hectic. Pate the hippie pants for Max & Cannon are the coolest things ever, and the gifts for the little guys is a great idea. When I have no energy, and no way to entertain, those will be perfect. And you can email me the pic of the shirts, or send it to me in the mail. Randy & Nell, the food you guys brought is so stinking good, I'm waiting for a special occasion because I don't want to have to share it with anyone.
My parents are leaving Thursday or Friday, and will be back when chemo starts. Dad's nervous about teaching again, my students will love him. My mom has been cleaning the house, taking care of most meals, and of course Max, Cannon, and me. If I show the smallest sign of being tired, I'm sent to the couch. Max understands that I can't pick him up because of the "big big band-aid" on my chest and seems to be ok with it. Cannon's the happy kid who wants to roll all over the floor to wherever Max is. Its soooo much better having them home. Brent's handling it all. The in laws living here, the wife with the emotions, the kids with the occasional screaming, and the job. I HAVE THE GREATEST FAMILY EVER!!!!

Pathology report

These are some of my "people." Jesse & baby Avery McClintic, and my dad with Gary & Janna toasting me. I have some on my phone, a few more on email (Lisa wasn't proud of her picture and wouldn't want it shared), and my cousin Amy sent one in the frame already printed. She's an overachiever. :) I love them!! Believe it or not, we're out of shirts. They went fast.

Dr. Faddis is the general surgeon who we went to see yesterday. He said it was a far more aggressive tumor than we originally thought, "nasty" were his words. Parts of it were high grade, meaning it was growing faster, I already told you it was bigger, and the node thing. Apparently its still up in the air as to whether or not I'll need radiation in addition to chemo. He said he's not totally convinced I need to, and if I do then there's a 25% chance that the implant on that side won't work. I don't really care about being a uniboob, so whatever. He has organized a panel of people (about 20)to talk about whether or not it needs to happen. He's taking good care of me. MARGINS WERE CLEAR around it, it had also spread to the nipple (sorry if you didn't want to know that). So basically he said it was all information that meant I was in good shape, I made the right decision with the mastectomy, lumpectomy wouldn't have been an option, and the only thing that really changes is the possible radiation. Totally do-able, not painful.

When I saw the doctor yesterday, he was really surprised at how well I'm healing and the most exciting part of all is THE DRAINS ARE GONE. I had these sweet plastic grenade shaped bottles hanging off of me that come along with long drain tubes. Very flattering. Brent wasn't impressed with the dance I invented to go along with it, but whatever. I was on an adrenaline rush yesterday. I saw the incisions, and the skin, etc, and it was TONS better than I thought it was going to be. It wasn't exactly pretty, but way better. When I asked the doctor if it would hurt when the drain came out his reply was "doesn't hurt me." Funny doctor man. So anyway, he also told me I could pick up my kids if it wasn't painful (Max still is), and start doing some stretches and things. I went a little crazy last night as far as moving my arms and such, expecting to be sore today. I'm not sore! I picked up Cannon yesterday and it felt soooo good to be able to pick up the little(?) guy. Good for my heart.

So basically, I'm going to work Monday, and very excited to be able to. One of the hardest parts is behind me. There's still some soreness, stretches to do, mobility and healing, but the big pain and operation is done! Yippee!! Chemo will be the next huge one, obviously. I'm still terrified of that, but the only reason we do that is in case there is some "microscopic cancer cell that is floating around somewhere." Big scary nasty tumor is gone! I can take showers, I have a few wraps now so the stinky one can be washed, I have been able to actually scratch some of the itches, I may even attempt to shave my legs today. Don't worry I won't get cocky.

My kids are coming home!!!!

Ok, I can't seem to get the pictures and stuff next to the writing on the right over there --> so I tried inserting a picture into the text. We'll see. I don't like trying to figure out what's wrong with computer stuff, so whatever. Anyway, Max & Cannon are coming home today!!! I'm so excited to see them. They are mama's boys and sorry Rick, but they will continue to be for a while and I don't care. They will be spoiled for a bit. :) We rented movies to watch in bed with Max, and I can get up and down to the floor with no problem, so we should have plenty we can do. And we have lots and lots of books. Yay!
We got the pathology stuff yesterday, well a brief version of it from the doctor. The tumor was freaking huge, but apparently really doesn't matter. It would be wonderful if they looked at it and it was small, but more for peace of mind. It was 4.5 cm, which is more than twice what they thought. Yeee!! However, it doesn't change treatment, nothing, so it just doesn't really matter. There were 5 lymph nodes that were removed, and cancer was found in three. My understanding is that if its not in all 5, it's cool. The stage of cancer now goes from borderline 1-2 to 2-3. If it had been in one more lymph node, then I would have been stage 3, but I'm stage 2. This matters to doctors for some reason (we meet with surgeon tomorrow, I'll ask more about this), but my treatment would have been the same regardless of the number of nodes it is in. I will have eight chemo treatments every other week starting mid September ish. We meet with the oncologist on the 29th. Because the tumor was bigger, if it was deep enough, then we may have to do radiation as well, which will happen after chemo. Radiation is more of an inconvenience than anything else, having to be about 35 days in a row, everyday except weekends and holidays. The whole process takes about 10 minutes, if that, and side effects are skin irritation and tightness, that sort of thing, no injections, no nausea, so whatever. I have a few questions for the surgeon tomorrow. I would love to take these drains out, but I guess we'll see. I can move my arms a bit more, which helps with the little irritating things. And I haven't had much pain. There's always a comfortable position I can find without pain, just sometimes takes longer than others to find it.
The little irritating things crack me up. In the hospital when there was more aches and pains, everytime I lifted my head from the pillow it caused pain, so when I wanted to turn my head, I wouldn't lift and turn, just turn. This sounds minor, but that meant laying my head to one side my ear was always folded over. I know, major surgery, pain, morphine, nausea, and the annoying part is that my ear is folded and I can't do anything about it... I'm gifted. I also couldn't scratch my head. At one point I pulled a Grandma Hazel and scratched my head with my fork which felt sooo good. I believe Grandma got booted from a nursing home for this maneuver, but they let me stay. This turning on the pillow and not bathing also meant I had some sweet hair. Seriously sticking out everywhere. This part didn't bother me, just the ear thing. I put one of Brent's shirts on by myself yesterday. It was slow, and it had to be Brent's shirt so the arms were low enough to get into, but it worked! I have had my hair washed twice, (oh my God, that's amazing!!) and I haven't taken any drugs since yesterday afternoon. I think I'm healing!! (I'm singing that one). Overall, I'm feeling really, really good.
I'm not excited about chemo, obviously. I've heard stories of those that do great, I've heard stories of transfusions and hospitalizations. I have no idea where I'll be on the spectrum of this. ("Everyone handles it differently") I'm just trying to focus on healing right now, and I'll get ready for chemo after I meet with the oncologist. We'll see... I'll try to write again after we talk to the surgeon and get some more info.
I've checked every comment on here, and am flattered its sent to so many! From Ireland to Alaska, Georgia, Southern California, right on!! If you have other questions, or stuff you want to know feel free to ask, I'm obviously not shy about this sort of thing.

Cancer free baby!

I'm in a hell of a lot of pain, and look like frankenstein when I walk, but I don't have a lump of cancer in me anymore!! I had all sorts of drugs, morphine drips, vicatin, oxycoton, and some anti-nausea drugs. That anti-nausea stuff is a bunch of crap. I've been puking for a few days, which totally sucks. I just stopped taking drugs, and it seems to have slowed. My stomach is up and down, but seems to be feeling better. I can't tell you how good it feels to be at home in my own sweatpants and my own bed. Mom and Dad and Brent are all here, so that is hugely helpful. I have three people waiting on me hand and foot. I promise I'm taking advantage. Brent's going to get annoyed with me first, mom will try to everything and exhaust herself and dad will zone into his own little world. :) I love them all! I don't know how people do this without family and friends to help. Especially my friends and family. If you are some of the people that got pink tie-dyed shirts from my Aunt Linda, she made 70 of them. We have some extras. There was a parade of people at the hospital in pink tie-dye that said "mo's people." How cool is that!?
The surgeon tells me the surgery went well. He said the incisions are very small. At this point I really don't care, but I'm sure I will at some point. I can get up and move around and I'm getting very good at the "butt shimmy." When I sit and have to maneuver without my arms, its pretty entertaining. Try it, you can't help but laugh, and you'll be familiar with the "butt shimmy."
I had a flower shop in my hospital room. It was beautiful, and I had some visitors as well. Thanks for everything. I feel like there's a hell of a lot more ahead of me, but one giant step is over. Just getting through surgery makes me feel a lot better. I can handle aches and pains, I just don't like being knocked out, or the drugs that come with it. Oh,and it was in my lymph nodes,so they had to take those too. Basically means I'll have a more "rigorous" route for chemo, but I'm not going to think about it until I feel better. They're supposed to let me know in a couple of days how many lymph nodes are involved. I may have to do radiation as well as chemo, but we'll see, and again, I'll focus on that later. Sam, thanks for the comments and max & cannon stories. I'm excited to see those guys!!!!!!!! Ok, arms are tired, write more later!!

Just a quick post to let you all know that Mo's surgery went well and the Doctor said things look good! Mo is doing fine and is sore, tired, hungry and nauseous (as to be expected!)

Mo so appreciates all the beautiful flowers and cards she has received and sends out a very heartfelt thank you to everyone.

24 Hours!!

I left Max & Cannon in Tillamook today. Cried all the way down the road until I realized I could listen to music really loud that wasn't Dora the Explorer, I could stop to pee without major difficulty, and I didn't have to have a puke bucket for Max. The rest of the drive was beautiful outside and a lot of singing at the top of my lungs.

At this time tomorrow, I'll be well into surgery! Most of the time, I'm feeling pretty good about it. I can't believe the emotional roller coaster I'm on, I thought pregnancy hormones were an adventure... I had no idea. I hit those moments during the day where I start to get a little freaked, but I keep focusing on the positive and fighting off the negative. Sounds cheesy, but whatever works at this point. I do some visualization of myself waking up, there's pain, but I picture a complete sense of relief that its all gone! The surgery is over. aaahhhh...

I have had many survivors that I talk to give me sort of their survival tips for how to make it through, visualization, nutrition, exercise, meditation, journal, etc. I considered all of these, but to do them all is just exhausting and irritating. I finally decided whatever makes me feel better is what I'm going to do. I've eaten ridiculous amounts of cookies the last week, I've exercised not at all, and I had a giant steak. My heart might not be thrilled, but I'm happy! One woman basically told me to do whatever I felt like I needed to do to feel like I have a complete "circle of healing." What makes me feel better is all of you. I re-read happy thoughts over and over again, and it makes me feel stronger. I will cut down on the cookies, but basically, you make me feel better, so thank you.

I feel about as ready as I can be for the surgery. How do you really know? For some reason part of my preparation is to do pointless things, like shave my armpits, and pluck my eyebrows, because who knows when I can do that again, and having Brent or my mom do it is a little frightening. They inject some blue dye in me tomorrow at 9:30, which apparently turns my skin blue-ish purple in that area, like a bruise, and then they're going to draw on me to know where to cut and such. So, I'm shaving my stupid armpits, because that's a concern, but I'm going to wake up without a couple body parts, and with bruise-like things and drawings all over me. Totally makes sense. Anyway, I will hopefully be home Sunday. I will be bringing some cards and letters with me to the hospital, I will be sleeping my butt off, kind of excited about that part, and don't worry I won't say no to drugs. :) I LOVE YOU!!!

Pre-surgery

Ok, so I have a blog. I've thought about this, but there is some part of me that feels like this is very egotistical to think that other people would want to read about my thoughts, but at the same time, this seems like it would be an easy way to keep everyone updated, filled in, etc. I have been emailing some friends regularly just to vent, I felt comfortable forcing them to listen to my every thought, and I notice I have a tendency to ramble. I don't think I'm capable of Gary Thomas rambling (I read the entire email that he sends, and I like it!), but I do go on and on, so if you're not interested in reading, I promise I'm not offended, I totally understand. I also tend to offer more information than you want to know. I'll try not to do this on the internet, but consider yourself warned.

Ok, I have bilateral mastectomy surgery with reconstruction this Friday. I check in at 7:30, and they I think start operating about 11:30. Its supposed to take about 4 hours I think from the time they knock me out to the time I wake up. Brent, my parents, and I think Aunt Linda and Debbie are going to be at the hospital. I have a feeling I'll have no idea they're there, but Brent will have people to talk to, and keep him from watching the clock. The reconstruction consists of lifting my muscle, and placing a flat expander bag underneath. They pump it up a little and apparently when I wake up I'll feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Cool. I've seen a Utube video of some guy that gets his head stuck in an elephant's butt, so I guess I'll be doing better than that guy.

Anyway, earliest I'll go home is Sunday. Max and Cannon are staying with Rick & Debbie which will be great as far as physical recovery, but will be hard when they're usually the ones to make me smile. Rick & Debbie set up a web cam on our home computer as well as theirs, so I'll be able to talk to them through that. We're kind of excited to test that out. The doctor says I won't be able to pick them up for quite a while. He says 3-4 weeks, other people have told me longer. Some doctors say I can go back to work, others tell me to take at least a month off. I'm hoping to go back to school when kids are there. I can't move my arms much, but I can talk just fine. I have no idea how severe the pain will be, everyone handles it differently, so its all just a wait and see what happens kind of deal.

I go back to plastic surgeon (never thought I would be the family member visiting a plastic surgeon) three weeks after surgery and we start pumping the expander bags up. Again, some people say its no big deal, others say it hurts like hell. Then chemo starts about four weeks after surgery, the "cocktail" that I get to have depends on whether or not its in the lymph nodes. We find this out during surgery. And, again, everyone handles it differently. Some are out for weeks, some are back to work Monday. All we really know right now is dates of doctor appointments.

A Blog For Mo

Welcome to Mo's blog!

Because we all care about Mo and want to support her, we will be updating this blog with all the latest information on her progress. Please keep checking in for the latest updates and feel free to leave comments to show your support!