All is well!

A beautiful sunrise from our house this morning, and a snow day off from school. What a great way to start a 36th birthday!

I keep thinking I should get something written on the blog to keep everyone posted on how things are going, but I don't really have anything to report. Which is good, and also confirming that people really only put things on the internet when it's bad news.

Every time someone asks me how I'm doing, I'm not really sure how to respond. I can't really tell if it's a regular "how are you" like everyone dishes out, or if it's a heart felt, lowered voice, "how are you really?" So here it is: Either way, I'm great! I have bad days just like everyone else, but the bad days are rare and far between. I have headaches that I'm still trying to figure out, but I don't really relate that to cancer stuff. My migraine issues are genetic, my mom had them all the time from food allergies and hormones. I have had them for the last 2 years, and the recent menopausal adventure has made them a bit more tricky to navigate. I still see it as something I can get figured out if I pay closer attention to what I'm eating and drinking. I have had to miss some school days, but I think I'm getting it figured out and those should be minimal as well.

Other than headaches, I'm perfectly healthy. I feel nothing in my lung, I visualize those suckers shrinking all the time. I see them kind of like the witch in the Wizard of Oz, "I'm shrinking!" I play with the kids, I go to work, I exercise, I do chores around the house, I fill out Christmas card addresses, I'm normal.

There are moments in my day sometimes that stop me in my tracks. I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but cancer is everywhere. It gets mentioned on TV, it's in Facebook posts, it's at the grocery store asking if you want to donate to "the cause." That gets old, but it has less and less of an impact as time goes on.

I will continue to believe that I am healthy, that I will be here for a very long time, that medications and healthy diets will work. The more people that agree with me, the better I feel. I appreciate it when people ask me how I am out of concern, but know that I am great!

Sick! (But it's not cancer)

I am usually a pretty healthy person. Since my second or third year of teaching I have built up a pretty good immune system to the little sweethearts germs. This year, however, I seem to be germ central. It's irritating. I have had a cold for over a week. Every day I wake up and think "it's getting better! It should be gone in another day..." Yeah, that hasn't worked out, it's still here. It makes me angry. I've been so freaking healthy! I haven't had any alcohol, I exercise regularly, I get about 8 hours of sleep, and I'm really careful about what I eat. This is just stupid.

I tell people that I haven't seen in a while that I'm sick, but it's not because of cancer. I feel the need to include that disclaimer in case they wonder. I told Dr. Lee that when I cough I imagine the cancer cells growing and having a party. I asked her if that was likely. She laughed and said no. Part of her job at NYU was to grow cancer cells and inject them into mice to test out different drugs. She said she came in disappointed pretty regularly because the cancer cells were so hard to grow. My friend Chris said she would think of it as coughing out the cancer cells. Wouldn't that be cool!?

Anyway, overall I'm great. I have regular germs and regular colds just like non-cancery people. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow. :)

The details

The numbers are unchanged from July. Unchanged means the drug is working!!!!!

The protein markers in my blood are what started this whole shebang in May. The numbers were at 29 in December, and went up to 46 ish in May and June. They are not incredibly accurate in their information. Some oncologists don't even use them because they can give false positive results. In my case, the positive results were positive. Irritating, but good to know a simple blood test will tell us where we're at. After surgery the number was 38, Monday the number was 45. They can vary some depending on diet and stress. I'm guessing my anxiety ridden Monday created some extra stuff, but who knows if that's accurate.

The drug that I take (Arimidex) is considered to be successful if it does one of three things: eliminates cancer altogether, drops the numbers, or leaves the numbers unchanged. My numbers are unchanged, hence success!! It's still early to tell, it's only been 2 months of taking the drug, and it will take a while to really get going. I would love it if the numbers start dropping, but I can have numbers at 45 forever and be just fine with that too!! The next blood draw is in another 2 months. If all is normal at that point, we go another 2 months and have a CT scan. (That puts us into March). The CT scan at this point would be pointless because it's so close to the last one there would be little change.

I was hoping today that the numbers would be smaller, so I was initially a little disappointed. By the time I left Dr. Lee's office though, I was a bit peppy. The drugs are working, working, working, whee!! Dr. Lee was also pointing out that there are tons of options out there for treating this stuff. Breast cancer is the one to have because there is so much stuff out there and new things happening every day. If this drug doesn't work, she listed at least three others that we could try next if need be.

Dr. Lee's reasoning: At least you're not diabetic! Those poor people have to inject themselves 2-3 times a day! You just have to take a pill and you're fine! We will work together to make sure I'm fine for a very long time.

She was surprised I didn't have more menopausal side effects. She said she expected to walk in to see me red faced and sweating and angry. I have some, but they are minimal and totally do-able. I have the headache thing to figure out, but I'm working on it.

Overall, things are looking good, and I'm thrilled!!!!!

Thank you for your support and thoughts and kind words today. I have beautiful flowers on my desk and messages of love and support all over the place. Everything is rosy. :)

GOOD NEWS

I'll post more later when I'm not sitting in the parking lot in my car on my phone, but... Numbers are unchanged which is good news! Last year in 5 months tumor marker went from 29 to 45. Test now are still at 45, unchanged. This means the drugs are working!!

Wednesday is the big day.

Tomorrow I meet with Dr Lee to see if all of this is actually working. I had a blood draw yesterday, they'll share the numbers with me at the appointment tomorrow. 

I have a daily affirmation thing that I read every day. It's a little like Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live, but it makes me feel better and is therefore worthwhile. I feel like so much of this is getting my head into the right frame of mind. The affirmations give me one thing to focus on everyday and it seems calming. 

Yesterday I had to schedule the blood draw and for some reason that sent me into anxiety mode. I cried a bit in front of my class for the first time in 12 years. I felt much better after it was all done, and now feel ready for my appointment tomorrow. I guess I had to get it out.

I visualize frequently that the meds are working, that eating better is working, that exercising is working... I visualize and focus on total health. I am ready tomorrow to confirm that it's working. That doesn't guarantee another breakdown won't happen, but I can handle those.

I look around my messy house, and my scattered desk, and I think about my amazing family and friends and I think... Life is sooo good right now, I don't want anything to change. I realize life is all change and my kids will grow up, and my family and friends lives will change... I will adapt as I need to, but wow... I have it pretty good right now.

For those of you that pray, that send positive energy or white light or whatever works for you... Tomorrow we'll find out it's working!!

Blame

    I am trying really hard to convince myself that things are not my fault. It seems like human nature automatically wants to find a reason why. At least my human nature does. If I can figure out why I have cancer, then I can fix it... In finding a reason why it essentially means I'm searching for something that I have done wrong. Not intentionally, but I keep trying to figure out where along the way the cancer grabbed hold and started growing again and why.

  On a surface level I see that it's not my fault. Cancer is everywhere and it seems like everyone will get it at some point or another, so it cannot possibly be my fault that this is happening. All organic vegetarian yoga instructors end up with cancer, so blaming my diet seems foolish on some level, but... I still want to have a reason.

   You would be amazed (and probably entertained) at the number of ways I have attempted to find cause for this.

Stress... my job is wonderful and I love it, but holy cow stressful. I can feel myself in "go mode" (my friend Jesse calls it "business Mo") throughout my day, shoulders up, leaning forward as I'm storming down the hallway on a mission. Sometimes the loud clank of my big kid shoes with heels makes my ears literally hear my stress, and I finally slow down. My headaches used to be somewhat stress related, so I have tried to notice when I'm in "go mode" and take a breath and relax, literally rest my shoulders down, and regain perspective on things. Certainly if I was better at this I wouldn't have had cancer come back.

Diet... I enjoy having a beer or margarita in the evenings, I used to eat Mac & Cheese like it was going out of style (ah, the college days), and I have a caffeine addiction that comes with sugary creamer. If I had eaten better, my immune system would have been stronger, and would have been less susceptible to cancer returning, or even showing up in the first place. Everything I eat throughout my day I now think about how it will affect my body. Will I lose/gain energy, will I get a headache, will I get nauseous, will it make my immune system angry... etc. I haven't had alcohol in about a month, I have coffee, but the creamer I have has fewer ingredients and I can pronounce all of them, and mac & cheese hasn't been in my cupboard in years. Realistically, I am not the only person that has these things in their day to day diet, and some of them don't have cancer. For some reason my body doesn't process these things well?

Guilt...Directly related to stress, I feel guilt for lots of stuff. I don't sit in a corner and rock back and forth feeling responsible for the world's issues, but I do feel some level of guilt for some fairly ridiculous things. I feel guilty about having cancer because it makes the people I love sad. (That's a biggie) I feel guilt over not being the perfect mother, wife, teacher, citizen, whatever. It's not intense 'what have I done' type guilt, but it's in there somewhere. Again, I know it's foolish, but it's in there. Sometimes I feel guilt because others have so many worse scenarios... people lose their kids to this nastiness, how can I have a "poor me" attitude when it could be sooo much worse?

I did something wrong or cruel to someone in the past and this is the universe's revenge for what I did. Yup, that one is my favorite because it's probably the least likely, but some days it seems all sorts of rational.

One book I read talked about cancer being a physical form of resentment. I spent some serious time trying to figure out where in my life I felt resentment. Yeah... I can't find it. I think I've let this one go finally.

   Everyone grows and matures in their own way, and as I'm being forced to grow through this process I am slowly understanding that I haven't done anything to cause this. My mom tells me over and over again that it's not my fault. I know she's right, but somewhere deep inside I have not been able to fully believe it. I'm getting closer though. I can feel my brain releasing that idea that I have created this situation. It feels lighter which is nice. There are some nice things about all of this. I am reminded to really enjoy each moment, and I get to know exactly how loved I am by those around me. Growing and maturing... that's me. Hee hee.

  For the record, I am not writing this in an attempt to have added responses of "it's not your fault." Nor am I writing this to make you think I need counseling. Well, I think we probably all do on some level.

Headaches and blegh

Before they yanked out my ovaries I had headaches that seemed to be hormonal. They were predictable as far as when they would hit, and certain foods seemed to trigger them hitting harder. When a headache stays in my head for too long, I start throwing up, and it gets ugly from there. I had it kind of under control in the last year. I still had some rush home last minute deals, but for the most part I could tell when it was coming, take some big kid aspirin type stuff, and be ok.

I was under the (foolish) assumption that post-menopausal would be better. If I don't have hormones rushing through there then the headaches should go away, right? So so wrong. Now they're just more unpredictable. If I have hot flashes at night I can tell it will create a morning headache. Usually the big kid aspirin takes care of it. Last Wednesday and yesterday (Friday) they kicked my booty. I had to miss work, and I spent most of the day curled up on the bathroom floor. The day after I feel great, normal, no pain, all is well. Both times I ate at a Mexican food restaurant the night before, so perhaps something in that food pushed me over the edge. Brent doesn't think it's food related and wants me to call one of the doctor team on Monday, so I'll probably do that.

One view: I hate that it knocks me down and I can't function. It means more work for other people, taking care of kids for me, finding a sub for me at work, etc. and it's just irritating and not that much fun to spend the day feeling crummy. Two view: When it happens I am surrounded by people that are willing and happy to help and bail me out. It's only one day when some people have headaches and are knocked out for days. It could be worse.

I'll keep trying to figure out the culprit and get it back under control. I do feel great today, the sun is out and we're headed to soccer games. I'm glad I didn't have to miss those! :)

No news is good news

Beautiful sunshiny day and still some flowers in bloom! Life is good 

People don't update or vent about all the good things going on. I haven't posted in a while because I have been plugging along feeling normal. Somewhat normal anyway. Work is going well, I actually like my hordes of freshman classes. Their immature fart jokes are still dominating most of their humor, but we're working though that one. 

Max and Cannon are doing great at school. Max has the same teacher as last year and a great class. He doesn't like change so this transition back to school has been very easy for him (and us). Cannon's teachers tell me he's really focused which is shocking to me, but I'll take it! Brent is thrilled to not have to be the only one in the house getting up early in the morning. 

I still get a little weepy at times. This morning I gave Max a hug and my eyes started welling and he said "you can just cry, it's ok." That kid is amazing. Cannon of course came and joined in the hugging session, I recovered and we all went back to breakfast. A new normal.

All of this is so much easier with the support of so many people around us. Cards of just checking in and saying hello show up once in a while, kind words of support, gifts for the kids, it's wonderful. They all get here at just the right time when we feel like we need a boost. Something that reminds us that others are thinking of us and sending their love. If we all told others how much we loved them more often wouldn't that be cool!? 

I am trying to eat as healthy as possible while still maintaining some sanity. I ate a plateful of French fries last night, so there is the ocassional binge. The better I eat the less weepy, hot flash, etc I have. 

October makes me nervous. Breast cancer awareness month. Pink everywhere. On one hand it's wonderful, money being donated, thoughtful people with pink gifts galore. On the other hand, a constant reminder when somedays I just want to forget and not be the girl with cancer. There's always a new normal. :) 

Cousin Flashie!

I have begun the hot flash phase of the experience! It used to be that when I got mad (usually with students), my face and neck would turn red. Now, however, they won't know if I'm angry or if it's a hot flash! Tricked them! Ha!

The weepy business has been muuuuch better this week. I'm sure it was better because my cold is better and nearly gone, I slept well, I didn't overdo it, etc. I had a few hot flashes, but at this point it's still kind of a novelty. I'm sure it will be much less entertaining at some point, but none of this stuff is irritating enough to really bother me. Yet.

Basically I'm plugging along, taking my drugs, visualizing those tumors shrinking and thinking as positively as possible, while still allowing myself to whine and pout once in a while. I will have more bloodwork and scans in November to check out the progress and see how those drugs are doing.

The kids are back to school and are doing great. The kindergarten teachers tell me that Cannon is focused. I never thought I would hear "Cannon" and "focused" in the same sentence... who knew!? They are amazing little dudes. They are used to seeing my cry now and it doesn't phase them much, which is good. They make me laugh and they take care of me when I need it. I have the greatest family ever. :)

Holy hormones Batman!

Even the dynamic duo couldn't handle this hormone business! 

This week back at work has been interesting. I started Monday with so much adrenaline and excitement I think I wore myself out for the rest of the week. I have some weepy teary business that has set in that is impressive. Emotions are crazy powerful things! I have moments where I want to cry that come out of nowhere and I don't know why. If I'm home I just go for it and usually after about 20 minutes I'm good again. Since I'm working I'm more tired so the crying happens more often. Tuesday night I was literally sitting on the couch bawling until about midnight. It wasn't fun, but at the same time I was fascinated. Obviously I have some stress in my life, but it really didn't feel like I had a reason for the tears, they just kept coming. Totally dehydrating! I'm not looking for sympathy here, just trying to paint a clear picture of irrationality. 

Today in the middle of some stimulating staff development stuff I suddenly felt panicked and wanted to hide and cry. I took some deep breaths and calmed myself down and made it to lunch. I had some tears off and on all afternoon and just felt sad and overwhelmed. Tonight I just let it all go, brought in some thick Kleenex, and some water to hydrate and just let it happen. I feel so much better! I can't believe how fast this changes! I literally feel great now that my intricate makeup is smeared and there are streaks of snot across my face. Apparently I can hold it in only for so long and then my Grandma Madge proves that she's right once again. "Honey, just cry! It will make you feel better."

Brent's ok with the crying mostly. He tries to make me laugh, which sometimes works, but a guy can't be that funny all the time. He took the kids for dinner and let me recover in peace which is perfect. 

For those of you that are waiting with the video cameras, I think it just got interesting.

Post op

I'm good! All organs in there are clear and healing nicely. I can exercise and do what I want. My basic rule is: if it hurts, back off and don't do it. Got it! My energy level has been pretty good during the day (without working), I just fall asleep on the couch about 8:30. The doctor said Monday is fine to go back, so I'm going for it!

She asked about menopausal side effects, have I had any? I said no, but it was mentioned to me that they may not set in for 3-4 weeks. She said sometimes yes, but if I was to have really serious intense issues that it would have happened by now. Side effects still possibly out there, but they should be more mild. Wheeee!!

I did bloodwork yesterday also. They want some baseline info to compare to. They will do a tumor marker test to get some numbers, and some other stuff (liver function?). In November we will do more bloodwork and see where the numbers are. Hopefully the numbers are dropping!!! Until then I'm going for normal life. 

The Dr office

Things I do at a doctor's office:

Subtly look at other patients to try to determine what they're in for. Some are obvious, bald is a give away if they're female, oxygen tanks are pretty easy, visible casts are again obvious. When we went to OHSU I was convinced that everyone there was dying I was just trying to figure out from what. It's not a place for check-ups! It has to be serious if you're there right!? I'm always tempted to ask others what their deal is, I think it's the Grandpa Leon in me. It's probably not appropriate so I haven't... yet.

Check out the magazines. I used to pick up things like Time or National Geographic. I'm sure everyone else is really concerned with what I'm reading so I wanted them to know I wasn't reading trash. Now I don't care what anyone thinks, so I'm free to look for People and US. You know, the educational ones.

Analyze the decor. Did they select the paint colors to try to create a calming atmosphere? Did the doctor have control of it or the office staff, or does Samaritan demand their offices are painted a certain way? What about the chairs makes them seem so medical? Can I picture these chairs anywhere other than a waiting room? (No) 

Make up stories about the receptionists: she has a family with 2 kids and probably sends them to Mostessori school. She hates plastic bags and styrofoam. The other one, however, is sleeping around, and probably has a fifth of something stashed under her desk. I'm not judging, just being creative!

And apparently I 'blog' about things while I'm waiting. 

Over analyzing

Me: "Brent I can't tell if I'm wanting to cry because of post-surgery crash, hormones, lack of hormones, cancer, kids are gone, or if I'm just over-analyzing."

Brent: "Really? I'm going with over-analyzing."

Me: "Yeah, good call."

I have some pain, but minimal and I can get up and around pretty well. I definitely need to keep busy because otherwise I'm going to sit around thinking about and therefore creating pain somewhere in my body. With nothing to do I could stub my toe and decide it's inflamed and it's a side effect of something. I can get pretty creative when my brain really goes for it! 

I have some bloating still, but it's getting better. I should have taken a series of progression pictures. It would be like backwards of pregnant belly pictures. 1 day along bloated, 2 days minimal bloatage, 3 days ate a large dinner, 4 days normalish! Probably not gallery worthy...

I learned of someone today who has had cancer for 20 years and I had no idea. I'm obviously not thrilled that they have it, but it helps to hear stories like that. He doesn't advertise it, he's not venting about horrible it is, it's just a part of his life at this point. More proof that that Internet searching stuff is ridiculous. I should shut Internet off at my house at 9pm or something. Those late night what ifs are a rough gig. I'm still trying to figure out how to minimize those. Funny stuff helps, Tina Fey books and entertaining e-mails from Nell keep me distracted. Maybe I'll try some aversion therapy. Every time I have a negative thought I'll do push-ups as punishment to teach my brain that they're bad. I hate push-ups that would be horrible. I can imagine Brent wondering why his wife's on the floor in the middle of the night...

Enough rambling...

Ovaries clear

They tested the ovaries for cancer, and there isn't any. They had a board of people review the results to make sure it was accurate and they found none. Wheeeee!!!

Little bored

Just on ibuprofen at this point, which is all sorts of exciting. Less loopy, more awake, and good to drive. There's definitely some stomach bloating going on from the gas they had to pump into me. It's a unique experience to have that going on.

I'm basically sitting around reading, Internet surfing, crossword puzzling, texting anyone and everyone, and catching up on celebrity gossip through a giant pile of magazines. The first few hours were fun... I did walk the loop twice...

Tomorrow there will be a bit more venturing out, mainly for sanity. I can definitely feel some ache when I move around much, I walk with a pregnant-like waddle. We'll see what tomorrow brings!

Thankful

I feel great today! Some ache, but minimal. I'm still a little medicine headish from the half a pain pill I'm taking, but not bad. I'll be resting and reading and laying low today. Dr. Fox is the lady that did the surgery business. She said it went great, and while they were digging around in there they took some pictures, looking for anything cancerous. She said it looked clean. Apparently I have clean innards. 😊  Who knew!?

I go back for a post-op appointment next Wednesday. After that I should be able to start the new pill and work on shrinking those lung suckers.

I'm waiting for some menopausal effects, but they're not here yet thankfully! Maybe they'll show just in time for me to freak out in front of a room of freshman. I'll try not to scare them, but I make no promises. 

I really feel like I've had a pretty amazing group of medical people working for me. All of them have been very good at what they do, and kind. It relieves so much of the stress!

Thanks for your continued support and love and prayers!

Home

I'm wiped out, but I'm home. I will definitely not be running a marathon tomorrow, but I feel pretty good. Lots of books & magazines & a great caretaker in Brent. :)

Pre-surgery ritual...

I got to go back to school today! I totally mean that, I got to go to school today and see my school family. There are 1,000 reasons why I like these people. They make me laugh, they make me feel loved, they're caring and amazing. It is so incredibly clear to me why I work and live here. That thing in the background in the picture? Yup, that's a margarita machine. Where did it come from you ask!? From my school family. They surprised me and I was shocked and thrilled and of course flattered. There may have been some jumping up and down on my part, I don't recall. I have a bit(?) of a whining joke at school that teaching would be much easier if there was a margarita machine in the staff room. Some contributed money, the idea was thrown out there by the big bad principal himself, and the shopping got to be conducted by the wonderful office ladies that actually run everything. Our staff meeting today included the presentation of this beast along with some kind words and such. There were plenty of actual work type things that happened too, but who knows what they were. Seriously, how cool is this!!?? Also for the record. That sweet shirt I'm wearing, it was my Grandpa Leon's. He made the best margaritas in all the land. I know he'll be with me tomorrow too.

Ann, my very favorite Southern accented math teacher gave me some supplies for managing the mood swings. Books to make me laugh, and other things that I can beat on in times of duress without harming myself or others. :) My beautiful friend Ali made us dinner we'll have for tomorrow, and I of course have some pretty purple flowers that say "get ready for Aunt Flashie." Hahahaha.

The kids are on their way to Tillamook right now to hang out with Rick & Debbie. Cannon is thrilled to get to have dinner on the boat one night, back to school shopping, etc. They'll be back Saturday night ish. While Brent and I really have no idea what's in store for us for the next couple of days/weeks/years, we are somewhat looking forward to a few days of quiet. We have a great excuse to not have to go anywhere, relaxing and sleeping are the only things on the agenda. Oh and some possible vicodin. Promise I won't try out the margarita machine while that's happening.

I feel really really good about tomorrow. Apparently I'm on a huge upswing on the roller coaster of emotions (or the margarita is kicking in). I'm sure there are downs out there, but we'll recover and keep going. They will take some pictures of my organs tomorrow while they're cruising around in there to make sure there isn't anything else floating around. I'm sure I'm good, Finn the cancer sniffing dog would have identified it by now. 

Some advice I received today made me smile. "A good mindset will work wonders, but there will be times when it won't, and you have to be forgiving of yourself because you are human."

Let's do this!

PS - if you didn't get a margarita machine at work today, I'm sorry that your coworkers are not as awesome as mine. 

PPS - I promise I'll drink lots of water shortly so my body's ready for tomorrow too. 

So loved

I love this card! Thank you Cindy!! I'm eating a box of chocolates that were given to me, I have a new fluffy blanket to watch the storm under, and words of wisdom, kindness, and definitely laughter (thanks Melodie) in cards & letters. I love my friends and family, I feel spoiled. I am ready for surgery and whatever comes with it. 

Advocate!

I have learned you have to advocate for yourself in the whole medical world. I went in for a blood draw years ago, and Atilla the Hun dug around in my arm until I'm pretty sure the needle came out my elbow. I sat there quietly grimacing thinking it was just my veins, she was doing fine. Duh. I went in a week later because Atilla hadn't taken care of the sample in time and we had to have a do over. The next woman saw my bruised arm and was in shock. I finally realized that It wasn't normal to feel a needle stick through your elbow. 

After that awakening I started speaking up a bit. "Um, my veins are kinda hard to handle." I thought this would do it, but no. Blood draws have been an experience of Atillas, women with twitches, raise your hand over your head, slapping the veins, etc. Today was a pre-op blood draw. I sat down and said "ok, it has to be my right arm, it's been a little difficult at times, they usually think the needle is in, then as they start to draw it pops out & we have to start again. What has worked is a tube like structure on the end of a needle." (Today I learned that situation is a butterfly) 

One attempt, needle in, no elbow, no bruising, blood drawn, home. 

They have a lot of training in the medical world, I have to train them for me.

Thoughts that go...

So here's where I'm living... About 90% of the time I am great, I know I'm fine, I will be fine, all is good. Everyone has emotions that fluctuate whether there is stress in your life or not, right? Maybe that 90%, is a little lower, maybe 80%? There are times when I can feel myself start to go down the scary road. I know it's normal. I know human nature needs something to stress about, so of course when my emotions need an outlet, that's where we go.

The upswings are great, literally no fear of the future, I just enjoy the moment. I know in my heart I will be 90 years old, I know that medical advances are being made as we speak, new drugs, new methods, new stuff is happening all the time. Even if my drugs don't work forever by the time they wear off there will be another one to try. There are still bumps out there, but we can do it.

The downswings are tougher. It's not very often, and I can usually attribute it to not eating well, not sleeping well, or just a normal down in the roller coaster of emotions. This part of the menopause worries me. I feel like downswings are more likely. It is somewhat entertaining to explore where the brain goes in these times. Last night I was tired and didn't eat very well all weekend. I coughed once, and immediately I thought "is that the spot!? Am I feeling it? Does it hurt?" I then of course focused on my lung and was convinced it was growing and I was coughing because of it. Today for the record, there is no feeling/pain/cough in my lung. Finn, my dog, was following me around the house last night too. She's a lab, of course she's following me. However, in my rational state I thought "dogs can sense things, can she sense that I'm getting sick? Can she sense that something is in there!? Do I have the wonder cancer sniffing dog!?" Really Melissa? That's the thought process? That this dog that eats camp chairs can sense cancer. Yeah, good call!

Things that help in the downswings:
1. Max & Cannon. They are hilarious and kind and obnoxious all at the same time. They always make me feel like a normal mom. How can anything be that severe when Cannon has constant peanut butter and jelly on his face, and Max is dancing to "Bubble Butt." (Totally inappropriate song, don't let your kids listen to it, they've only heard the first 30 seconds).
2. Brent. I know it freaks him out when I get stressed, but he hides it and let's me do my thing. He doesn't try to point out the irrationality of a cancer sniffing dog, he just rolls with it. He pours me a glass of wine and waits for me to reel myself back in, or he finds some way to make me laugh.
3. My parents. They're really good at bringing me back to rational. They make me feel like I'm in control of the goings-on
4. Support. I read and re-read cards and letters from friends and family.
5. Stories and books about survivors. I seek these out as soon as I feel that lump in my stomach. I search the internet (carefully) for people that have had scary diagnoses and are doing great. I read their stories and follow their links to other stories. I just received a book from a friend of another survivor of 10 years. (The first thing I do is calculate the number of years since they've been diagnosed) There are plenty of people that have told their stories or are writing about their victories, and I know there are even more that haven't written about it. There are tons of them out there. It almost makes you feel like it's not all that remarkable. Surviving cancer is just a normal thing. Perfect.

Something else we all need to remember. People (myself included) are more likely to write about the bad stuff. It's an outlet and it feels good to vent it all out, or to seek out someone else in the same boat. If I seek out "side effects of arimidex" I will find all sorts of negatives. There aren't very many people that say they have none. I know they're out there, but it's nothing to have to write about. It's not a problem to have to solve, they're just living and doing great. This is not the end of the world. It's something people have been through/are going through and they are thriving. I'm just another one of them.

Finn just started growling at something outside. There's nothing there. Perhaps there's a cancer cell floating on air...

If you have stories of others that are doing great, I'd love to hear them.

Surgery scheduled for August 28th

I'm in! Well, I'm on the schedule anyway. Dr. Linda Fox will do the procedure, and after meeting with her today, I like her. The big (exciting?) news is that they will knock me out for this, so I won't have to know what's happening. Soooo relieved!

They basically fill my stomach up with gas and bloat it out so they can maneuver. There will be 3 scars, one in the belly button, and one on each side of my stomach. I'll go home that day, and have to take it easy for a while. The doctor says to plan to be away from work for a couple of weeks. As long as I'm careful, I should be fine. It's hard to judge how long recovery is because everybody handles things differently. I think they're more concerned with my emotional state than anything. Usually if menopause is involved, there are drugs to assist, but I can't take any of those. I recovered from my other surgery 5 years ago pretty quickly, so I think I'll be good.

Basically the side effects I'm looking at are all the glorious menopausal stuff, which means it's different for everyone. Of course it is. It could be a few weeks of bursting into tears in no time, it could be five years, etc. We get to wait and see. I will do some acupuncture to see if that helps my frame of mind, but I think I'll be fine. As long as I know why I'm bursting into tears then I think I can handle it. Until my mood stabilizes, I'll just stay away from the Hallmark channel, country music, sappy movies, and Nicholas Sparks books. No problem!

The kids will go to Tillamook for an extended weekend. They know I'm having surgery and they know I might get sad sometimes. They've seen a lot of that this summer, so I think we'll all be ok. There have been a lot of conversations this summer reminding all of us that it's ok to cry. As my Grandma Madge says, "just cry, it makes you feel better." Man she's a smart cookie. Both Max & Cannon are amazing little dudes. They take good care of each other and us, and they understand when mom's stressed to keep your distance. Max one time asked Joy what "negative" meant. He said "mom said it and I didn't know what it meant, but she was mad and I didn't think I should interrupt to ask." Ha ha! I love that kid.

I have an ultrasound tomorrow, a pre-op appointment next Wednesday, some blood work in there somewhere, and the ovary sucking on the 28th. Wheee!!! :) Next steps are on the calendar, it feels good.

Doctor visit today!

I meet with Dr Fox today about the ooph-da procedure. Side effects, process, etc. I think it's tentatively scheduled for the 28th. I have an ultrasound tomorrow just so the dr can know exactly what's in there. I'm prone to cysts, so she needs to know where they are, size, etc. I'm anxious for the next part of the process!

Wooooo Hoooooo!!!!

I love Dr. Lee. Brent and I spent an hour talking with her today, and both of us left feeling soooo much better and much more optimistic. She asked how the visit to OHSU went and I told her it was horrible. They gave us all negative information, with little optimism. Dr Lee's response: "yeah, that doctor is kind of new..."

Stage four is an automatic assignment when cancer has spread. Like Dad said, it goes from your toes to you nose, boom, "stage 4." It's just the medical world's way to identify it. "Incurable" was my other favorite word they threw at us at OHSU, and Dr. Lee said it's another technical term when it's stage four. It has the possibility to be cruising around in there, but it can also be thought of more like a chronic illness. For instance, high blood pressure is a chronic illness that you take a pill for for the rest of your life. Same case here. She said yes, sometimes people don't make it, but considering my health, age and attitude, she thinks I'll be just fine. WOOOO HOOOOO!! I love her.

Dr. Lee went over all the scans with me and showed us pictures of what's going on, which I so appreciate. She also had a picture of the biopsy needle going through my chest into my lung. Holy crap, that's a framer! The tumor board met this morning (what a fun gig that must be, huh?) and they reviewed my file. While they felt sorry that it's back, they were floored that anybody even caught it this early when it's so small. Nobody catches it this early, but Dr. Lee does! Give that woman a cape. They were also amazed at the doctor that did the biopsy. It had to be incredibly accurate to dodge ribs, hit a 1cm target, and not go anywhere near the heart. He was good, I may send him a thank you. Tumor board consensus: sucks that it's back, but best case scenario considering my health.

NO CHEMO!!!!!! Basically chemotherapy at this point wouldn't make sense considering the tumor isn't bothering me at all. I feel nothing, I am totally healthy, so there's no point in doing chemotherapy to shrink it from 1 cm to .5 cm when the Arimidex drug will probably shrink it/kill it/leave it dormant.

We won't do any surgery to try to remove it. Here's why. It's in the lung, so obviously a pretty intense surgery. There is actually more than one nodule that seems to be "concerning," that are crazy small. They can hardly see them on the scans, so there's the possibility there are more cancer cells cruising around in there that they wouldn't be able to see. If they do surgery, they'd scrape out all they can see, obviously leaving scarring, etc. Cancer cells that they can't see would love the scarring and could go nuts and grow faster in that environment.

The drugs: I currently take tamoxifen, which has the goal of bonding to estrogen cells and killing them. Because I am estrogen central (all girly all the time), tamoxifen isn't finding them all. Surgery to remove ovaries will drop estrogen levels within 24 hours (more on that in a bit), then Arimidex will block any remaining estrogen that's trying to hang out in there. Arimidex has pretty good info so far, and somewhat hard to record because there are so many women still cruising along beautifully with it.

Why didn't we do the ovary thing five years ago? The tumor board said this morning they wouldn't have let me because it's a bone density issue. Menopause and Arimidex not so great for your bones. This will be something we'll have to monitor and keep track of in the future, but at this point there are several drugs to help with that. I got some supplements from the chick yesterday for that as well. This is the biggest downside to the whole ovary sucking.

I asked Dr. Lee about the homeopathic stuff as well. She said the only thing that is recognized by the cancer society as being beneficial is exercising at least 4 times a week for at least 20 minutes (yeah, got that covered), and eating a balanced diet, not too hard core into protein, not all carbs, just balanced. I asked her about the gluten free, she said my body isn't gluten intolerant so gluten isn't necessarily causing inflammation, so it may not be helpful. Brent and I both feel like being much more conscious of fruits and veggies, and less packaged food, etc would be smart, and we have done that already this summer. I will take the supplements that I got yesterday, they should help with bone density and helping my liver to process calcium more effectively, but I'm not going to do the injections, or go nuts on any one diet. I am healthy with my morning coffee and creamer, and an occasional beer. A little bit of doctor world and a little bit of homeopathic world feels good, and feels like the right thing to do.

The procedure: When Dr. Lee doesn't want to tell me something, she pauses and kind of "hmmm"s at me. I asked her about the oophorectomy, which is a laproscopic deal. They make 2 incisions in my stomach, go straight in and suck out the ovaries. I asked her if I would be knocked out for this procedure, which is when she paused and started "hmmmmm." Cool, more awake surgery situations. RADICAL. There is an epidural involved, didn't think I'd have another one of those after Cannon, and Dr. Lee said she had it done, and the smell wasn't pleasant. However, it's an in and out procedure that just has some intense emotional side effects. If somebody goes with me, it can't be Brent because he'll pass out, so if they'll let anyone else, it'll be my dad. If not, I'll put Vix under my nose, and have my iPod full of songs by Pink.

Next: Wait. Again. Dr. Fox (female, can't remember the first name) was recommended by Dr. Lee for the ooph - a - ... She says she's really good. I wait for her to call (Monday at the latest) to schedule a consultation so we can talk about all the gloriousness that is menopause. Then we schedule the procedure. I asked if we could have it done before I go back to school, they're trying hard to make that happen. I asked about hormones after this procedure, and apparently the estrogen levels drop in 24 hours. Some women have estrogen levels dropping over the course of a few years, mine will plummet in a day. The next 1-2 weeks could be an emotional train wreck. Brent is currently looking for places to stay for these 2 weeks. :) I think we should invite anybody that wants to come to watch the chaos ensue. Bring a video camera, a journal and some popcorn because it's going to be interesting.

We will monitor protein levels in the blood (our first indication this time) to make sure they are diminishing after I start the drugs. We will probably have a CT scan in December ish to make sure the tumors aren't getting any bigger, then regular blood work should be all that is needed to monitor and maintain the goings-on. We will do regular liver function checks (also through blood work) and do some bone density things to check on those conditions.

At the end of the appointment, Brent and I both hugged Dr. Lee. She said she loves my attitude and we can do it. Three other people in her office poked their heads in to say hi while we were there. I love it. Gary has been fielding my calls for the last 2 months, and has been amazingly kind and patient with me, Christina was my surgeon's assistant 5 years ago, so she came and said hi, and the nurse Jeanette always remembers to ask about Max & Cannon. So so nice. I feel great, ALL IS WELL IN MY WORLD.

Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers, hugs, support. If you're interested in a front row seat for the menopausal dialogues, let me know. Love you.

Anthroposophical

I went to see an anthroposophical doctor yesterday. Yeah, I think that's all the letters... Kind of like a naturopath, homeopathic doctor. I was curious to see what ideas she would have about diet or supplements that would help me stay healthy. We talked for about an hour and a half, and everything she said made a lot of sense. I don't know why, but I left feeling overwhelmed. Maybe it's just hormones, but it was frustrating. I should have been excited there were that many options I guess. There was so much that she suggested that I think it just seemed like a lot all at once. There are supplements she suggested, mistletoe injections even, foods to avoid (alcohol, dang it!), and she suggested I look at a gluten free diet. Gluten basically causes inflammation and cancer cells love inflammation, so minimizing that makes sense, but ugh.

There is so much information to wade through, and everybody thinks they have the right answer, so how do you know which answer is the right one for you? Everybody is different, and everyone handles things differently... just ugh. On one hand I obviously want to try anything that will help me, but how do I know it will really help?

I head to my oncologist today. I am looking forward to seeing her. I feel like she takes good care of me, but we will see what she has to say. All appointments lately have shown high blood pressure which is rare for me, so apparently there are some nerves at play. I am hoping that we will get the oophorectomy scheduled (ovary sucking), and get that part of things going, but who knows. I'll talk to my doctor about the anthro lady and see what she thinks. I'm guessing she won't be into it, but who knows. I'll keep you posted!

No chemo??

We have spent the week in Montana and are now headed home. It was beautiful and relaxing and great. I have scheduled an appointment with a sort of naturopath for Tuesday, and I finally meet with my regular oncologist on Wednesday. I'm a little nervous just because its another doctor that has the potential to scare the crap out of me, but I am anxious to have decisions made. If Doctor Lee agrees with the OHSU lady, then the good news is no chemo. I keep my eyebrows, I won't have to miss any of the little dudes stuff, and I can work and live normally. I love that! I will always have this in the back of my mind, but everyday it gets a little easier. Every day there's a longer period of time that I don't think about it. There are countless stories of women in similar situations to mine that are doing great. I kind of want to be angry at the OHSU dr for trying to kill my hope, but anger won't get me anywhere, so I'll let that go. 

Getting better

My frame of mind is improving. Oncologists throw me into a category of stage 4 without any additional variables of ME. They did not take into account the size of my tumor, the location, my age, my health, nor did they acknowledge my ability to be a positive thinking bad ass. I'm still going to be 90. 

Rough afternoon

OHSU was pretty intense and we were definitely not prepared. The oncologist was kind, but extremely blunt. Being an oncologist must be a really difficult negative job. They always have to give me statistics. I never want them. Stage 4, and the words incurable were thrown out at us as well as timelines. Both Brent and I seem to be back at the angry why me stage. It just sucks. They will put me into menopause to give me Arimidex and the onc yesterday said that should shrink and eliminate the tumor in my lung. She said she wouldn't recommend chemo right now, but that it may be something we need down the road. Basically since it has spread we know it travelled through the bloodstream, and in the sad oncologist world they sit around and wait for it to pop up somewhere else. I am trying to look at it from a much more positive standpoint, but it's hard.

 

I am healthy & young and try to stay positive, and none of those were thrown into her statistics. They always say cancer is hard to treat because it is so individualized, and then in the next breath they throw you into a statistic with everyone else. I have to admit I absolutely hate this, but I'm ready to do whatever I can to be one of those old people with a really good story to tell.

Positive thinking

My friend had the suggestion to focus on 10 good things about your day. It's quite the mood changer. Here's my list for today:

10 good things

1. I love the paint color on our house

2. The kids played beautifully today

3. I didn't know what day it was

4. I get to check out OHSU tomorrow

5. I mailed a gift

6. I have wonderful friends taking care of the kids tomorrow

7. Brent wasn't angry about his flat tire this AM

8. My family makes me feel loved

9. I decided all vacations should go ahead and be planned. we will just make them happen in some way or form

10. Waterskiing is in my near future

Robin Roberts

I finally got around to watching Robin Roberts journey that ESPN put together. She's just freaking awesome. I don't know that I would want Tom Cruise narrating for me, but all the rest is a tear jerking truth telling deal. I am so inspired by her. She puts her chin up and smiles and radiates beauty, sick or not. She's also willing to let the world watch her cry in pain and frustration and just be honest. I really relate to her, as the entire world does I'm sure. If you haven't watched the video, you should youtube it. It's just real.

I wouldn't watch it at work or anything, it'll make you cry. Brent sometimes sends me videos of servicemen and women coming home to their families with the (don't watch at work) hint attached. Those get me every time!

OHSU

Brent and I have been married 10 years! We're both a little surprised that we get to do this cancer thing twice, but we're wading our way through it. Another bump in the road...

The doctor that I was referred to at OHSU is Mr. Busy, so I was transferred to referred doc #2, Dr. Kemmer, within the same office. They put a rush on checking out all of my pathology stuff so I could meet with her this week. Otherwise we were going to have to postpone/change our trip to Montana, so I am thrilled they were willing to work with me. They needed a bunch of info obviously, to be able to check everything out. I was surprised at the number of "things" I've had done that I'd blocked out. They wanted the pathology info from 5 years ago and the more recent stuff, blood work, bone scans, CT scans, PET scans, chemo info, radiation doctor. Wow. My medical file must be ridiculously thick. I hear a lot of "you are really healthy except for this cancer," type statements. It's rather comical by now. Yea, my lungs are in great shape except for that big nasty black spot trying to take over my body. I don't quite know how to respond, do you say thank you for that kind of statement? Is it a compliment?

I'm still kind of hoping they'll check out the pathology and decide they have this fancy new process they'd like me to do instead of chemo. It won't make me sick, I won't lose my hair, I'll feel totally and completely normal while killing the cancer at the same time. Totally logically hopeful. :)

I will meet with Dr. Lee (normal oncologist) August 7th, and I'm guessing we'll compare notes to Dr. Kemmer (OHSU doc) and make a plan from there.

In the meantime, I am fully enjoying my summer, loving feeling good, hanging out with the little dudes, and feeling relaxed. We'll see what Thursday brings!

Answers!

Another doctor, a stand in, from Dr. Lee's office called to give me results. The tumor characteristics are pretty much the same as last time, which is good news. He said "looks very similar." The really good news is that it is still estrogen positive. This makes it easier to treat, just because there are way more drugs and "stuff" out there to fight it. I apparently am estrogen central. You want estrogen? I got it. If only I could bottle it and sell it. Turns out I am far more girly than I ever realized...

The other good news is that Dr. Lee is calling in a second opinion. I have a lot of respect for Dr. Lee and I feel like she takes good care of me, gives me her personal cell phone number, calls me on her free time, etc. I have wondered though if I should seek out a second opinion. She referred me to Dr. Chui at OHSU. He's a breast cancer specialist. I asked the stand in today why I was being referred, he said she just wants to be sure that she's making the right decisions for me. He also said they should call me by Friday. I love that she's seeking out someone else for me, and she's not too proud to ask for help.

I assume that I won't have to do another biopsy, they've got that data. I see no reason to, but the medical world is pretty good at curve balls and change-ups...

I've been trying very hard to remain calm, and to stay positive and enjoy the moment. I think the universe is recognizing my efforts. I feel really good about today's news. They didn't call to tell me they made a giant mistake and there wasn't any cancer, but I feel like I have the next best thing.

Ugh...

I pestered the doctor... again. Apparently she is on a 2 week vacation. Good for her, she has to have some sanity time too, but ugh. Another doctor from her office is supposed to be able to call me with the pathology results, which won't really mean much. My understanding is it just determines the type of chemo. After we have "official results" we meet with the doctor... when she's home from vacation... in 2 weeks. Ugh. I guess it just means more time to feel healthy and play in the summer sun. Always a silver lining.

Waiting for doctors

I'm still waiting for results, waiting to make an appointment to discuss a plan, waiting for a port to be put in, and waiting for chemo to get going. There is of course a part of me that wishes the doctor would call and tell me she made a mistake, it's not cancer after all. Wouldn't that be cool!? :)

I'm trying to find a way to not constantly think about it, but I definitely have not perfected that yet. The X-ray Friday showed no change, which was good. The air was still there, but hadn't increased meaning my lung isn't leaking. Whee! 

I visited with a friend on Saturday that felt a bit more like a counseling session, in a good way. I feel a lot of guilt over making others unhappy with all of this. I know it sounds rather absurd, but that's how I operate. I haven't quite perfected that either... Life is always a work in progress! 

I talk to my Grandma Madge a lot, she passed away in 2006, but I always feel like she's taking care of me. When I went in for the biopsy my main nurse was Christina (my mom's name is Christine in case you don't know her awesome self). I immediately felt like Grandma was there. The first X-ray I had was given by a different Christina. As I was laying and waiting for X-ray #2, a woman walked by and I heard the staff say "Hi teena!" (Teena is what my mom's family calls her), so I was feeling my family all around me. Just before we left a woman was being helped to her wheelchair and her nurse said "ok, see you later Madge!" (Again, Grandma's name). My mouth fell open & Brent had a big smile on his face. My grandma is definitely taking care of me. 

If I ever have any more medical information, I'll keep you posted. 

Warning: not for those who don't like medical stuff: biopsy news

I have put this picture everywhere because it amuses me how ugly this gown is. You can see the socks to prepare my feet for the post-op pedicure... Oh wait... Maybe that doesn't happen...

Holy crap that was horrible. I'm home now, some ache, but haven't needed Tylenol or anything, just taking it easy. There was an air pocket above my lung that had them x-raying things to be sure but was ok. Basically it means my lung leaked a little air, but stopped because with each x-ray it was unchanged. They want another x-ray tomorrow morning to make sure my body will absorb the oxygen. I'm hoping it has because if it hasn't, we needle it up again to drain it. Yeah, I never want to do that again.

Ok, here goes, I'm giving you the gory details, so if you don't want to read, I'm not offended. I was really emotional & freaked out this morning. Literally the nurse walked in and tears started streaming down my face and I couldn't stop. I stopped once the procedure was finally done. Dehydration I'm sure will set in from that loss of water. They tried some anti-anxiety drugs to calm me, but there's no way that worked. I was a train wreck.

They decided they had to go in from the left side, in through the front would mean a popped implant, through the back is probably the biggest needle known to man, so left side it was. They do the procedure in CT so they can use the imaging to guide the needle and make sure it's in the right place. They took some images, being very careful because the actual site is about 1cm away from my heart. Rad. They numbed me first which really sucked. Obviously I needed some numbing, but I can't even explain to you what that feels like. It's kind of like a huge side ache, but your brain knows its because of a needle going behind your ribs. More tears. Not from pain, just from fear.

Then the needle goes in. A man named Mark let me hold his hand, which was wonderful, while the dr went for it. I would have to take a deep breath as the needle would go in deeper. They would slide me into the CT tube to take a scan to make sure the needle was in the right place, then go for more. Luckily they were good and got it in the exact right place first try. They then took samples, this part didn't hurt, but I could still feel the needle location in my chest which was just more than my emotions could handle. The needle was in for about 5 minutes, then we were done. The needle coming out caused some surprise, but I was glad it was out. I have no idea how big it was, but big enough to go through my side, behind my ribs, and into my lung.

There was minimal bleeding which was good, just some air leakage that will hopefully be taken care of soon. On the way out the doc told me to be aware of any shortness of breath, I have none. I asked him if I could have wine, and he said "oh yeah, just not so much that you can't tell there's a shortness of breath." Perfect.

So it wasn't quite the Pulp Fiction Uma Thurman moment, but I'm sure it was close. :)

Yeeeeeee!!!!

Dude, they are putting a needle through my freaking chest tomorrow! Are you kidding me!? My lung, shouldn't it not have holes, will it pop like a balloon!? How do you administer enough sedatives to make this ok, without knocking me out? Everybody's asleep at my house, and my head is full of rational thoughts like these. I'm tempted to look it up online, but so far researching things online has been horrible. Nobody online wants to tell their happy story, just the really sucky ones about the time a needle popped their chest like a balloon.

My grandma gets a shot in her eyeball once a month. EYEBALL. Eyes have to be open for that one. I can handle one lung shot if Grandma can do that. I think...

Delay #1

Just an FYI... The biopsy is rescheduled for Thursday. Apparently they accidentally double booked me, and I take low priority, so I got bumped. I wonder if they would have bumped Angelina Jolie!? Jerks. Who knows when we'll have results, or when anything is happening. We're re-learning to go with the flow. We'll keep you posted!

Chemo thoughts

Thought I'd give you a visual so you have proof that while I'm doing well. 

We don't know what kind of chemo I will have yet, but more than likely it will be the same route as last time. Four of one (the worst one) and four of a different breed. Once every other week. We will know for sure after we get results back from the biopsy (maybe this Friday?) I keep guessing on when things will get underway, but I'm sure it won't work out that way. It never does in Doctor/Insurance Land. If the biopsy results prove that it's a different kind of tumor, then I don't have a clue what sort of chemo I'm headed for.

We have been trying to talk about what worked last time, and what didn't work. Brent is accepting all kid help that we can get. Luckily our kids are pretty freaking awesome, so we have lots of people that are willing to hang out with them. :) I am trying to be as healthy as possible as we head into chemo. I feel like I can handle that aspect of things better than last time. I have begun some research into nutrition and exercise pre, during, and post chemo. I don't know that I'll ever be the hard core dieter, I'm really good at eating. However, if there are things I can do to feel like I'm a bit more in control, then I'll definitely go for that. We had some wonderful people help us with food and stuff last time. It was amazingly helpful, but we might try to take care of it on our own this time around... depends on how much of this nutrition stuff I buy into, if I stick with it, or if it's just my current interest...

We did figure out the drug thing a bit last time, as far as nausea is concerned. Emend was the winner that finally stopped the puking, but was crazy expensive. It will be interesting to see what newer drugs they have, or if insurance finally covers the one that works. We know my hair will fall out, and wigs make my head itch, so maybe we'll re-stock on hats or try some scarves. I have no idea how those women tie those things and make them look cool. I'll have to youtube it.  I know I'll have some days of depression and just blegh. I'm going to try really hard to have some form of physical activity on those days especially.  I think that will make a huge difference. Rain or no, putting myself in motion has always made me feel better. I will try to work as much as possible, which I know seems somewhat ridiculous, but I need a reason to get up and get going, I need to have a reason to take a shower, tie the scarf on my head and go see my school family. :) I don't know exactly how that will all work, we'll figure it out. I have a few sick days saved up... My dad definitely will not be subbing for me this time. His license is expired, and I wouldn't ask him to do it again anyway. I'm sure he'll never tell me how totally crappy that was. 

I'm still pissed I won't have any eyebrows, but that's a ways off. I'll deal with that later. 

Ok... here we go... again!

The big bad cancer is back, BUT I still have a good prognosis. There is a tiny (11mm) spot on my lungs that was discovered in a PET scan after seeing some suspicious business on a CT scan. They (doctor folk) had to determine if we could biopsy the sucker, because it's so small. Turns out they can, which is good news. Being able to biopsy it will give them more information, and determine if it is breast cancer and the same kind, or if it has morphed, or is lung cancer. Chances are pretty high that it's the same stuff, but being able to confirm that will make sure the drug cocktail is appropriate.

The biopsy is scheduled for Tuesday at 8AM. It's a needle through my chest, so I'm really very excited about the process. Who wouldn't want a needle jammed in their chest? The best part is they won't knock me out for the procedure, so I'll be able to truly enjoy it. I'm hoping the results will be back by Friday, but who knows in medical land.

I am looking at chemo for sure, (what a waste of money to dye my hair). I am also looking at a fairly simple procedure to remove my ovaries to put me into menopause, my guess is after chemo, but who knows. The point of that is partly preventative, and partly because the post-menopause drugs are better than pre-menopause drugs. They probably would not open me up to remove the tumor because if chemo will kill it, then they don't need to do such an invasive procedure. Plus, cancer cells really like areas that are in need of healing, so they would be more likely to park in there. I must admit, the idea of cutting it out sounds pretty appealing (sincerely), just because it would be OUT, but opening my chest doesn't sound fun.

Brent and I (and family) spent last weekend pretty stressed and freaked out. Once I had a diagnosis from my oncologist I actually felt much better. I foolishly went online and was googling things... definitely don't do that. I told her I didn't want to know my statistics, my odds of survival, just no. She said "ok, but you're still looking pretty good." That's all I needed to hear. I feel pretty confident and am anxious to get going and kill this stuff. 11mm is pretty small, which is a huge positive. My oncologist drives me nuts sometimes because she's so overly cautious. Turns out we're going to kick this tumor's butt because she was "overly" vigilant. I told Brent I have always thought I would live to be 90 years old, so I may make a sign for my file for the oncologist to have just in case she needs a reminder. Whatever gets me to 90, I'm in.

I debated whether or not I should write on the blog again. I made it 4 years 364 days since my previous diagnosis... I told Brent it's like finishing 8th in the cross country race when the top 7 go to state. Sooooo close. Oh well, 5 years of cancer free this time around apparently wasn't meant to be. I'll get there in another 5 years. I decided to write on here to keep people informed if they're curious, (I'm not offended if they're not), as well as give me a chance to vent. Writing about it seems to help my sanity, so I'll go with that.

We had a great weekend with family, and are headed home to the reality of doctors and scary stuff tomorrow. I am VERY optimistic and feel pretty ready to go. I'm not excited, but we can do this. 

Thanks for supporting us and reminding us how loved we are.