All good news!!

I realized I never posted the post scan results: ALL GOOD!!

Everything is maintaining, and not progressing and all is well. Meds, healthy eats, some exercise, some pretty awesome fam... Perfect combination for long term health! 

Kidney stones and health are good as well. 

My blood work numbers were up, so Dr Lee had the scan people look at the results a few times to be sure, but they see nothing unusual. Apparently sometimes surgery can cause numbers to elevate (like having a ureter stent put in) and sometimes blood work just gives false info. She wants me to have blood work again in three months to make sure its back down again. We will scan in 6 months, and keep cruising!

I love summer!!

Normal check-up

All waiting room carpets look the same. I had my normal check up scan done today. I will have some results from Dr Lee by Wednesday morning. I feel really good about how things are going. 

I guess I'm getting used to all of this because I haven't been stressed for this one. There have been a few thoughts creeping in, but mostly I'm glad to have a scan to know exactly where I am. I have been taking good care of myself and eating well and all that healthy business. My immune system is strong and it doesn't have a kidney stone to deal with anymore so I feel like we're in a good place. 

Kidney stone fireworked!!

Turns out when they put a stent in your kidney it looks like a bungee cord. Ew! The dr asked if I wanted to keep it. Ummmm... No!?

The great news is that the doctor was even surprised with how well the sound wave blasting procedure worked. There is a very small piece still hanging out in there, but its minimal. If it does decide to cruise out of there it shouldn't be a problem. 

The stent came out today and was no problem. Those "in office procedures" can be frightening, but in office means normal and easy. It was!

I have a regular CT scan on Monday and I will meet with Dr Lee next Wednesday to check on our normal stuff. I feel great and really optimistic about this scan and meeting. Everything has felt great and I have been taking good care of myself. I'm really good at summer! 

Home

There was a kink in my ureter. That's it! The dr said it blasted beautifully. I am home and in some pain, but not bad. I hear the car in the driveway that is Brent with my drugs. Good to go!! 

Baby you're a firework!

Tomorrow is kidney stone blasting day! I don't feel nervous about it at all. I actually keep forgetting that its scheduled for tomorrow. I watched the fireworks in Tillamook for the fourth and pictured my little stonehenge blasting to pieces. 

I will also wake up with a stent which I hear is super fun. "Just some discomfort" they say. Ha! We'll see how severe the discomfort is! The doc wants to check out why my ureter is not draining properly. He seems pretty confident that its kinked or is scar tissue. There is the possibility that its something else, but is unlikely. 

Cannon is a little nervous about mom being in pain. He has an amazing amount of empathy that kid. I'm sure all will be well. 

I check in early and surgery is scheduled for 730. If you happen to check the clock between 730 and 845, visualize some fireworks!!! 

Relay for Life

    I have avoided cancer fund raising events for a few years now. I did the Susan Komen walk in 2008(?) and I don't think I've been to one since. It wasn't a bad experience at all, actually it was fun to be with my friends. However, throughout the event everywhere you look there are reminders of those that didn't make it. There are in memoriam t-shirts and signs all over the place. Human nature tends to focus on the negative, and for some reason that's what I focused on for a while. I didn't focus on the thousands of survivors that I was surrounded by that were walking with me, but those faces and names on t-shirts took the wind out of me. 

   I have signed up for a Relay for Life even at the end of July in Central Oregon. The same group of friends invited me, which was the first incentive to want to do it.  The second incentive was the ad campaign on tv that says "Help us END the fight for cancer." Or end the walk, or end the something. The "END" is what made me smile.  This is ridiculous that it is something that is so wide spread and we can't figure out a way to stop it. How is it possible that there isn't enough money to research and treat this when it effects so many people of so many ages. There has to be an end in sight, and I am excited by the fact that I hear more people talking about survival rates rather than death rates, and more people seeing it as a chronic condition rather than an end of life timeline.

   There are luminary to decorate and put at the side of the track as I'm sure you well know. My name will be on one. My first reaction was "I like to pretend I don't have cancer." Well, that would be a nice world of denial, but that's not what I meant. There are finally times when I don't think about my diagnosis all the time. In between scan days I feel like a normal human. I go to baseball games with the kids, I get haircuts, I get regular colds, and I do all the normal things that everyone else does. To those that see me everyday I'm not the cancer patient that they have to worry about, I'm just Mo (or Melissa) and we talk about normal things. That's all I really want. To be that normal me. People that I don't see as often I know they love me and I know they care, and I love that. However, when I get a "how are you" with a look of concern in their eyes, I'm forced out of my normal life into the life of that person with cancer. When I walk the track with a luminary with my name on it, my brain puts me out of "normal" life. I know it is entirely me. I am well aware that I make this a bigger deal than it needs to be. I am learning to deal with the process, and learning to look at the luminaries. I will look at those that are gone and feel their family's loss, I'll blink back some tears, and then I will look at all the ones that are walking with me that also have their names on a bag. I will focus on those and smile. 

    Please continue to ask me how I'm doing. I love that. I love reminders that I am supported and loved. Just please know that I may not give you a cancer-y update. It will probably consist of things like summer activities, camping trips, whatever injury Cannon has at that time, whichever book Max is reading, that sort of thing. I am GREAT!!!

   I have an appointment for a kidney stone gig on July 8th. My kidney function is totally normal and healthy, but when they look at scans they can't figure out where my ureter is draining. Their guesses are that it's kinked, or has some scar tissue that is blocking a regular flow. Because of my cancer - y- ness they need to explore the possibility that there is something blocking that will need to be biopsied. They need to make sure. Because my kidney function is normal, they said it would be very unlikely that it will be anything to worry about. They will probably end up putting in a stint, which I hear feels really good (immense sarcasm), and they will blast my existing stonehenge like the 4th of July fireworks. :) 

   After that I have another regular scan and appointment with my oncologist at the end of July. I feel great, all is going well and just plugging along normally. I visualize that appointment as a positive one and receiving reassuring information from the doc. 

   If you would like to donate to the Relay for Life, feel free to e-mail me and I will figure out how that works. :) We are the Holy Walkamolies… I am certain I spelled that wrong, but Donna Mohan came up with that awesome team name. You can't have a bad experience with a name like that!! Knowing her, we'll dance around that track...

Probably too much information...

I cried in a urologists office. Over a kidney stone. I'm totally one of "those patients." Ugh. 

I have since recovered, but I went to the urologist sometime last weekish. Apparently every time I visit a doctor office, especially if it is unfamiliar I mentally freak out. My blood pressure read normal, so I thought I was calm. Nope! 

The PAC told me that I would probably need surgery and or a stent to make the boulder living in my kidney come out. 

Blurry eyes, blinking back tears… 

She of course then continued to tell me that every surgery has risks of additional bleeding and infection. 

Tears spilling down one cheek… 

Then she realized what was happening and back tracked with "well, you have a lot going on right now, maybe we don't need to worry about it, your other kidney is working fine." This is when my brain went "WHAT!? I am not living with one kidney! I want both of them! I will be here for a long time, and I need two!" 

Tears down both cheeks, lip quiver...

I left the office with sunglasses on, and a post CT scan appointment scheduled for June. Drama queen! 

I don't know what it was that triggered this train wreck. She said there's some blockage in my ureter and she doesn't know why, so my brain said "cancer in the ureter!" Then she said possible infection side effect, and my brain said "infection means more cancer!" Man! I have got to chill out!

I called my mom and told her my kidney wasn't draining properly and they didn't know why. Mom's response: "So? I've had an upside down uterus for years, big deal!" Hahaha! Love that woman. Totally made me feel better.

I had an additional CT scan (different focus from previous scans I have had done) last Friday. The results confirmed the giant rock chilling in my left kidney. (It's not in a painful position, I don't feel it at all). They still don't know why things aren't draining properly, but the ureter is pinched or something. More than likely there will be a surgery where they will try to expand it or stretch it out. RAD! I said "rumor has it that's as painful as a kidney stone." Her response: "It can be uncomfortable." Cool. Thanks. 

Next, there will probably be another knock me out gig where they will try to break apart the stone and then my body gets to flush it out. Fun right!? 

I don't meet with the Doctor until June 9th, so none of this will happen anytime soon. In the meantime, I drink lots of water and do all my normal stuff. I'll keep you posted. 

Pouting over

Let's be honest, I will probably never be done pouting. It seems to be my thing. 😏 I felt sorry for myself for a while last night and for a while today, but I think I feel it turning around. 

I asked Dr Lee my usual string of probably irritating questions yesterday. What next? When? Why scans, how often? What if I need new drugs? What are they? What if that doesn't work... Is it possible that my cough made it look bigger!? (It isn't) 

My friend Chris compared me to those students we have that after they leave, we just put our head on our desk and are thankful they're gone. That's totally me with Dr Lee.

 She says things like "people do this for 10-20 years and are just fine!" I respond with "I want more than 10-20 years." So so selfish.

I read an article today on immunotherapy. I have heard of it for a while, but haven't read too much. Researching this world is a little scary, so I'm hesitant. Basically they get your own immune system to kill cancer cells. Its still in experimental stages and in clinical trials, but drs are getting excited about it.

 I read about it on cancer.org, which is exciting that it wasn't hippieshealyou.com. I feel like it was fairly reputable. 😬 

I can totally handle chronic conditions.

Anyway, life is getting back to normal today, and ready for spring break! 

Post appt...

I have to admit, I'm not thrilled. Dr. Lee said exactly what I thought she would say, she even said "I'm satisfied." For some reason though, I'm not. I want the antidote. 

I will continue to do what I have been doing and see where we are at in 4 months. More scans and bloodwork then. I don't get why my body has created this. I'm freaking healthy, why won't it just kill it and have it gone?

I know myself well enough to know that my frustration will be short lived. I will feel fine probably by tomorrow, but right now I kind of want to pout. 

Brent said it's not great news, but its definitely not bad news either. It could be much worse. We keep with this plan as long as we can, and then on to the next thing if we have to. I don't want to have to. I want to be the exceptional miracle that doctors wonder why I have magically healed. Is that too much to ask? 

Bottom line, I'm great. I feel great, my family is healthy and happy and all is well. I will pout for a bit tonight and be back to my jolly self in the morning. 

It's Dr Lee day!

Regularly scheduled appointment today with Dr Lee. I usually have some nerves before going to see Dr Lee, and I'm sure today will be no different. I have to remind myself though, I always feel better after having talked to her. She throws out phrases like "is no problem" when we discuss tumor things and helps me keep it in perspective. I think she will probably tell me we'll continue the drugs I'm taking and review things in 6 months. We'll look at pictures of my lungs, and I'll get to see the blurry mass that is my kidney stone buddy. 

I'll let you know how it goes!

Stay the course

The nurse called with the scan results. They're not the greatest results ever, but I feel pretty ok with it.

The size of the tumor has grown "verrrry minimally." It was 9.6 mm and is now 10.4 mm. When this whole gig started it was 11mm, so we're still slightly smaller than it used to be. I meet with Dr. Lee next Thursday to see what she has to say, but the nurse said at this point we're staying the course.

I didn't freak out when the nurse called, which is a nice change. Her news didn't stress me out, however over the last few days I find myself again wondering if I should change my diet again. Should I cut this out, should I do that differently, should I meditate more… blegh. I do strongly dislike how my brain does that. I was finally getting to the point where I felt like I was on a good path, I wasn't thinking about it all the time, I could be "normal" and now that stupid little tiny sucker is slightly bigger. Ugh.

There is a variability in scan results from time to time. For this reason Dr. Lee has told me that millimeter changes don't really concern her. The last change was a millimeter bigger, and now this one is another millimeter… maybe that will cause her stress. There were a couple of other smaller dudes in there also; they are unchanged which is good news.

Sometimes I wish I knew more about how all these technical machines work, and sometimes I'm glad I don't. The kids have had a cough (Cannon had a little pneumonia), and I've had a cough off and on. It's minimal, but a couple of days before the scan I was coughing fairly regularly. I want that to be the reason that it looks bigger. I want her to tell me that it looks bigger because of a virus, but I don't even know if that's likely or possible. The cough is now better by the way, in case you were concerned that I was coughing up a lung. I'm not. It's 99% gone.

In other exciting news my kidney stone is bigger. That painful sucker. I have a referral to go see a urologist to have them possibly zap it with sound waves and break it into pieces. Those pieces then get flushed out in a supposedly less painful manner… yeeeeee!

Overall, I really feel like I got good news. It seems strange, but I feel like I'm in a really good spot. At one point I asked Dr. Lee what if the drug doesn't work. She just said "then we try another one, there are tons of them out there." And more and more are being developed all the time. Even if this news means we try something else, I'm ok with that. Things are still looking pretty good.

Scaaaaaan daaaayyy

Today was scan day. There aren't any results for a while, but this part is over! I had some anxiety going in which is kind of weird considering I don't even learn anything. I just lay there and "take a deep breath and hold it...   Breath normally"

I think Siri also works in medical machines. 

I feel relieved that it's done. I meet with Dr Lee on the 19th and I'm guessing info will come then. It's in my chart that today was just a check up on progress type deal. That made me smile to hear the little injector dude say it. His name was Gavin, and he may be the first medical professional I have ever referred to as a kid. I felt like I wanted to rub his hair and tell him good job when I was done. Ha! So cute that little sucker.

Life is great. My mom reminded me to focus on all the good in my life... There's a lot! 

We have had a few days of playing outside with a big yellow thing in the sky. I could get used to that.

Uh-oh, she's exploding!

I have a temper.
A big one.
I'm not proud of it, it's embarrassing.

When Brent and I first started dating, my friends told him I had the potential for exploding anger. He didn't believe them, so he decided to pick a fight with me to really see what he was in for. The argument wasn't that big of a deal until he told me why he started it. As the story goes, that's when I really showed off the temper.

I honestly try to keep it under control, and I'm honestly embarrassed when I calm down and become normal again, and I try to make my apologies. Brent doesn't argue with me anymore, he just walks away and waits for the normal to come back. He's so mature, right!? How do people do that!? Man I wish I had that!

I think I've been a little on edge lately. We are tearing down the fireplace structure, and it's kind of a mess. Not a big deal, but a little out of whack. I have a scan coming up on March 9th. I haven't really thought much about this business, but the thoughts are creeping back in. I had a student ask me about my tumor today. I had another student tell me I was causing him to learn less and my methods were off, and I had a parent tell me that I was teaching "the math backwards, you're doing it all wrong."

Each of these things individually not a big deal. All of them cursing around in my brain is like a ticking time bomb! I did have a rather heated discussion with the student who argued with me, I'll have to find him tomorrow and "rephrase my plan."  I did, however, keep my mouth shut with the parent, smiled and said thank you, and left. Pretty good right!?

My face still turned purple from anger, but I held it in.

Every time I read about stress related illness I think about these moments. Ugh… I'm trying I swear!

Being an adult is hard.

How are you?

I have had a few people lately ask me how I'm doing, or tell me they miss "the blog." I kind of do too. I like writing and venting stuff even if nobody reads it… It seems to be healing. I sometimes write when I'm grasping for answers, or needing support. I haven't had to write for those reasons in a long time and for that I'm am grateful. I have had some ups and downs, and there will continue to be. For the most part though, everything is awesome (me and the Lego movie).

I still find myself visiting encouraging websites when I'm feeling down or freaked out. I can't tell you how many times I have googled "cancer survivors" because I need as many of those stories as I can possibly get. The really exciting part of that is I find more and more of them when I look. You have to look for them though. Cancer deaths are much easier statistics to find. I read somewhere that when you criticize someone they then need three positive things to attempt to balance out the negative. Human nature is really good at focusing on the negative. I like to find the positives to counter balance the negatives.

I over analyze everything anyone says ever. When anyone asks me "how are you?" I instantly wonder what they mean.

Are they just making conversation? (probably)
Do they want to know just a generic answer? (more than likely)
Do they want an entire medical rundown? (who would?)
Are they just asking about my overall sanity and stress level?
Do they even know that I have this cancer business? Should I tell them?

 I have more than once offered too much of an honest answer. Since you know me and my level of brutal honesty this won't surprise you. As soon as the word cancer comes up, for some people it's an automatic pity look on their face. Sometimes they even cry. I realize this is out of love for me, and I appreciate it at that level, but I'm not dying. I'm right here in front of you just being a regular person. The word cancer is so terrifying because it is associated with so much death and suffering. It is also associated with a whole lot of success and survivor stories. I surround myself with people that know I'm going to be just fine. Maybe that's just me being foolishly optimistic. How can anyone read any statistics and honestly believe they're ok? I don't know. I just do. For this reason, I give an automatic "I'm good!" answer. I don't want pity and I don't want tears. Brent always says the pity reactions are  "just because they don't understand." I get that and I know he's right. I just prefer to surround myself with people who do understand. I want my friends and family to ask how I'm doing, and I want to talk to them about it. I love that, but I want you to know that even if I'm stressed or freaked out. I'm ok and I'm going to continue to be ok.

I promise to let you know when I need tears and support.

For now, I have another scan in early March, regular stuff. Blood work every so often, pill everyday where I feel zero side effects. Everything is awesome.